


It's Just Noise

by PeakyFookinBlinders (Sherlocked729)



Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Genre: Aberama Gold Is Still Alive, Alcohol Partaking, Alfie Tries to Better Sad Boi, Alfie's spending his life trying to stop Tommy from playing in the snow, Bisexual Disaster Tommy Shelby, Consensual Sex, Depression, Drinking, F/M, Gay Finn Shelby, Gen, Guy Fawkes Day means staying in bed all day, Homosexuality, Hurt/Comfort, James was Ada's Roommate, Just A Little Minor Polyamory, Loneliness, M/M, Margate is just a retirement community for old gangsters, Nightmares, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Period Typical Attitudes, Period-Typical Homophobia, Period-Typical Racism, Recreational Drug Use, Religious Discussion, S5 spoilers, Smoking, Suicidal Ideation, Tea drinking because Britain, Two Army Boys Find Love, Violence, Violence Against Kin, a little bit out of order, in case anyone forgot about him, like a lot of smoking, no beta we die like men, some romani and hebrew phrases
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:02:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 48,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23814289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sherlocked729/pseuds/PeakyFookinBlinders
Summary: Takes place after series 4, episode 6. Alfie's at Margate and Tommy is tired of his family. He finds that he misses Alfie, and he isn't sure about his sexuality like he thought he was... but all he knows is that he feels better, safer, whenever he's with Alfie.
Relationships: Ada Shelby & James, Alfie Solomons/Tommy Shelby/Lizzie Stark, Tommy Shelby & Finn Shelby, Tommy Shelby & James, Tommy Shelby/Alfie Solomons, Tommy Shelby/Lizzie Stark
Comments: 11
Kudos: 121





	1. dance with me

**Author's Note:**

> My first Alfie/Tommy fanfic. I usually write Tommy/Lizzie fics, but I really needed to write this one as well.

**. . .**

It had been almost a week now since Tommy had bought himself a flat in Broadstairs, only a seven minute car ride from Alfie’s new place in Margate. He hadn’t completely done it on purpose; it had been an accident, for the most part.

He wanted to mostly get away from his family, Russians, and Italians, and he also wanted to be by the sea. His family had taken up a residence or four in London, so that was off the table; it would be too easy for them to find him if he were there.

He hadn’t realized how close he even was to Alfie until he received a telegram from him that read simply:

_Miss me, Tommy?_

The Birmingham veteran had thrown it into the fire with a small smirk of amusement on his face as he cursed himself. The two men visited each other’s places once a month to start, talking for only twenty minutes at a time.

Then twenty minutes became forty, two hours, four hours, for tea, dinner, drinks, deep conversation. They started to open up to each other more and more over the following few weeks and even when Thomas Shelby had to make an appearance back in Birmingham (which he did not mind, by the way), when he came back, things with Alfie were as if he had never left at all. They continued where they left off.

This time when Tommy had showed up to Alfie’s door with a burst blood vessel in his eye and bruises on his face, he didn’t miss the concern laced in the other man’s’ eyes as he examined him cautiously.

“Fucking hell, mate… you look fucking awful, don’t you? Get in here, Tommy…”

He gave a nod of thanks and entered Alfie’s reasonably size house by the sea. It was too big for one person, but somehow it seemed appropriate for a man like Alfie Solomons.

One thing Tommy noticed about the other man was that he was impersonal and rash towards him when the younger man was still outside his house, but once he was invited inside, Alfie was a person that Tommy didn’t recognize; he was _kind_ , and _sweet,_ two words he would never usually use to describe Alfie Solomons.

“I told you to stop messing about with fuckin’ Russians, Tommy,” Alfie spoke, not unkindly.

The other man shrugged helplessly and sat down in a chair by the window. “What can I say? It comes with the business, eh? I’ve seen you scratched up a few times in my life.”

“I suppose you’re right about that, mate… but it’s bad business at that,” he replies before he rounds the corner and yells out, “Rebekah! Would you mind bringing my friend and I some tea, please?”

He doesn’t move until he hears her response and then he shuffles over to where Tommy is sitting and sits across from him.

“Friends, is that what we are now, Alfie?” Tommy smiles, leaning back in his chair as he puts his legs out in front of Alfie, their calves grazing lightly, but neither man moving them.

The other man smirks and shrugs. “What else do you call someone who visits so often that you have tea nearly every day with them. I have to admit though, Tommy, I did miss decent conversation.”

“Decent conversation with someone who understands the wicked way of our world?”

Alfie smiled as the man from Birmingham echoed his words back at him, the same words he had yelled at Tommy during their confrontation as he was trying to find out who would be interested in the Faberge eggs. There was a twinkle in his eyes.

“You remember that conversation we had, then? _Christ_ , Tommy… it feels like fucking ages ago. I suppose you would remember that, though. Having your boy stolen from you was something I found myself unable to relate to, mate.”

Tommy was quiet, thinking about that night and feeling the ache in his chest, the sheer fucking _panic_ he had felt at the idea of never seeing his son again. Then he felt guilt rising up like bile in his throat and looked out at the sea, the warm breeze sending shivers of delight on his skin.

“I’m sorry, Tommy,” he muttered now, looking at him when Tommy looked back at him, surprise on his face when he heard Alfie’s apology.

“What are you sorry for, Alfie?”

He shook his head and sighed heavily. “The whole fucking thing, I suppose, right? It was a proper mess and I protected the wrong people; I see that now. I know it doesn’t make us square, but I just needed to throw it out there, and hope it stuck to something.”

Tommy swallowed hard, swallowed back the guilt as he took in Alfie’s words. He gave a nod and searched his eyes just as the housekeeper brought a tray of tea into them and quietly took her leave after they had thanked her.

“Why do you always sit in that chair, Tom?” Alfie asked him with a smirk. “Every time you come over here, you come in and sit in this fuckin’ chair. I never thought it was particularly comfortable, to be perfectly honest with you.”

Tommy chuckled and took a sip of tea. “I like the sea,” he answered. “I guess I like… hearing the waves crash over and over. It’s better than hearing the noise of the city, the noise of my family all the time.”

Alfie took a drink of his own tea and relaxed in his chair, glancing out at the sea as well. “That’s all it is, though, Tommy… just noise, innit? It’s all just noise.”

“Trumpets and trombones,” Tommy nodded, remembering what he had told his horse when it whinnied and got scared as the coal machine let out a huge burst of flames. He knew that Alfie had served in the War too, and he wondered if Alfie ever got nightmares or bouts of distress when he heard a familiar sound that reminded him of bombs or landmines.

The other man’s comment made Alfie look over at him with a curious expression on his face. “What’s that?”

Tommy shook his head. “Nothing. Just something I’d say to a horse of mine whenever it got a bit scared.”

Alfie was quiet for an abnormally long time, sipping his tea. After about three solid minutes of silence, Tommy could tell that something was going on in Alfie’s head and looked over at him curiously, but just then it was the other man who spoke.

“Do you ever tell people that as well, Tommy?” There seemed to be a knowing look in his eye. Alfie knew that he had been in the War, and in the silence between Alfie’s question and Tommy’s answer, they shared _something._

Tommy cleared his throat a little, a side effect of smoking too much, probably.

“Sometimes my brothers, sometimes myself,” he admitted uneasily. If there was anyone he hated showing his vulnerable side to, it was Alfie, but the more time he spent with him, he was finding that it was becoming more and more with his own family that he felt uneasy being vulnerable around.

Something inside of him was telling him that it shouldn’t be like that, but he tried to ignore it.

“Right,” Alfie nodded, pouring himself some more tea. “Makes sense.”

Tommy finished his tea before he took out a cigarette and lit it with a match, shaking the flame out afterwards. The guilt he had felt earlier was starting to make another appearance and he could feel himself sinking lower and lower as the sun also grew lower and lower.

“Do you have anything stronger than tea, Alfie?”

The man seemed to think for a few moments, caressing his beard thoughtfully. “I know I have some whiskey and some gin. Which one would you like, mate?”

“Gin,” he answered softly, taking a drag from his cigarette. He suddenly stood up, as if he just remembered what time it was. “I have to go. I should be going back to my flat. I-I’m… expecting an important call.”

He knew it was a flat out lie, but he could feel himself becoming sad as the darkness outside mimicked the darkness within him. Alfie, unsurprisingly, called him out on it.

“No, Tom. Sit down, now, yeah? If I know one thing, it’s that a man shouldn’t be alone with his thoughts when he lives so close to the ocean.”

Tommy glanced over at him. “I thought you liked to live near the ocean?”

“I do, Tommy,” Alfie nodded. “But word gets around about your episodes that you get sometimes. I like the sound of the ocean, but knowing you… well, I figure that you’d sooner let yourself just fuckin’ drown in it than deal with all that nonsense and noise from the War.”

Tommy looked at him with a dead eye stare. _Who the fuck told Alfie about that? Was it someone from his family, or had Tommy unknowingly had an episode in public, in front of one of Alfie’s men, or any number of his enemies?_

Then a thought crossed his mind.

 _Tatiana Petrovna._ The fucking crazy Russian bitch who claimed she had helped him through the grief of losing Grace.

If anyone told anyone, it had to be her to someone who also knew Alfie. The thought of that made Tommy both rage and utterly fucking embarrassed at the same time. He wasn’t sure which one to feel the most of at the moment.

“You know as well as I do, mate, that no one came back from the War completely whole, did they? No way, every one of us was completely fucked mentally. No one truly made it out of France alive. Don’t worry, Tommy, I’m not judging you for your self-destructiveness,” Alfie promised. “If anything, I want to just… help you.”

“‘Help me,’” Tommy repeated in almost a whisper, taking the words in. “Why? Would you want to do that for me, Alfie?”

“Because I’m your fucking mate, like it or not!” Alfie laughed humorlessly. “I know the word is foreign to you, but I’m already dead. What more harm could I want to do to you?”

Tommy sighed, taking another drag. “You’re not dead, Alfie.”

Alfie looked like he was about to lose his patience, but he remained calm, his eyes soft. “When I was near dead, it occurred to me that having friends is more important than having an illegal alcohol production, call me crazy. I’m fucking retired from all that shit, Tommy… I know that you’re not, but… I am. I’m not fighting with you and all your maddened kin.”

Tommy searched his face and saw only sincerity and truth. He listened to his gypsy intuitions inside himself, in his heart and blood, and felt the same. He nodded now in defeat as the housekeeper came in to check on them.

“Is there anything else I can get either of you, sirs?”

Alfie glanced over at her. “Yes, actually. Could you please bring us a bottle of gin?” When she nodded and then brought one in a few minutes later, the men thanked her once again and let her take her leave.

Tommy’s eyes recognized the bottle, and he reached over for it after Alfie poured them a small glass of it. “This is one of mine, Alfie.”

“Hm? Oh, right, so it is, mate.”

He read his only label, feeling the irony of it deep within his bones. “How in the world did you get one of my bottles, Alfie, eh?”

Alfie chuckled and sat down with Tommy in their chairs again. “We had a mutual acquaintance, Tommy. She was able to steal me a bottle of this fucking terrible stuff, I tell you.”

Tommy laughed in disbelief, rolling his eyes. “If it’s so terrible, why do you drink it, then?”

“Maybe I have a death wish as well, mate,” Alfie shrugged half-heartedly, but Tommy wasn’t sure if he believed it or not. “Anyway, I drink it for the same reason you made it, Tom. ‘For the eradication of seemingly incurable sadness.’ From what I’ve heard, you’ve been doing pretty well.”

Tommy took a drink of his gin and held it in his hand as he looked at Alfie. “I have done well, at least in that department of the business. It seems like you’ve been fucking about with the Russians too. I take it you’ve spent a bit of time with her as well.”

“Oh, I have,” Alfie admitted, drinking the gin as well. “Not in the Biblical sense like you did, however, Tom. Strictly in the business sense. She didn’t hold anything back about you. It’s a fucking good thing we’re on the same side now, or else I could easily do you and your whole family in.”

“Yes, Alfie,” Tommy agreed. “It is a good thing, indeed.”

The two men looked at each other tiredly for a long time, Alfie always having a constant smirk on his face as he watched the Birmingham man finish his gin.

“Let’s dance, Tom… let me put on a record. Give me a minute.” Alfie finished his own gin and stood up before he walked over to where his gramophone was and put on a record.

Tommy knitted his brows as he stood up and put a hand up to object. “No, Alfie. I don’t think that would be…” he trailed off, unsure what he wanted to say exactly. He cleared his throat, not really having thought about his feelings towards men when it came to dancing.

“No, no. It’s quite all right, Tommy. C’mere…” Alfie chuckled, lifting his arms up as if he were dancing with an invisible partner. “There’s no one else here to laugh at us. I want to dance and you’re the only other one here, now join me, won’t you?”

Tommy chuckled as well but slowly sauntered over towards him, more in amusement than anything else. “Your bloody housekeeper’s here, Alfie.”

“Oh, Rebekah is a nice woman… she knows when to keep her a secret. Anyway, I pay her enough to keep one. All right, then… put your hand here,” he grabbed Tommy’s hand when he was close enough and placed it on his hip before he placed his other hand on Tommy’s shoulder and started shifting his weight from left to right.

Tommy started laughing at how ridiculous they must look right now and started to take a step away when he felt Alfie gently pull him back towards him. “Nuh uh, Tommy… come back here. The song isn’t over yet, is it?” He started to lead Tommy who had tears in his eyes from laughing so hard.

The Shelby man wiped his face real quick before he let Alfie pull him back and finish the song before finally letting go of him.

Tommy shook his head, unable to remember the last time he had laughed so hard. “Well, as interesting as that was, I think I should be leaving now, Alfie. I’ll pop in again soon.”

He saw an emotion he recognized as disappointment touch Alfie’s eyes. “I really think you should stay the night. You’re in no condition to drive back home, mate.”

“I had one glass, Alfie,” Tommy persisted, grabbing his jacket even though he felt a little tipsy. He looked over at the other man who almost appeared sad, but that couldn’t be. An ache touched his chest again and he found himself in the same seat by the window again, pouring himself another glass of gin. “But I suppose I’ll stay a bit longer, eh?”

Alfie smiled again and he moved back to his own chair across from him, pouring himself another glass as well. The two men made small talk about business, the weather, alcohol, women, whatever sparked a topic of conversation. Tommy wasn’t sure if it was the gin or Alfie, but he felt himself relaxing with every minute that went by.

Before he could finish his third glass, he found it difficult to keep his eyes open any longer, and only heard the faint music from the gramophone and the crashing of the ocean waves.


	2. little talks

**. . .**

  
_“We need to get out right now, Tommy! It’s too dangerous… the fuckin’ tunnel is going to collapse!”_

_Sergeant Major Thomas Shelby wiped his dirty face with his arm to mop up the sweat that had beaded there. He looked around the tight area where four other men were with him, looking a bit apprehensive as well._

_“We need to finish the mission.”_

_“Fuck that, fuck the mission. We need to fucking leave right now! It’s going to collapse…”_

_“Tommy, watch out!”_

“Tommy! Fuckin’ Tommy Shelby!”

The man woke up abruptly, falling out of his chair as he looked around quickly, his eyes large and wild with fear. His breathing was heavy and there was a tight knot in his chest that burned hot. Sweat beaded his face just as it had in his dream.

He looked up to see Alfie looking concerned and watched as he knelt down in front of him, putting his hand out hesitantly before resting it on Tommy’s leg gently. “Tommy, mate, are you all right? You had yourself quite the nightmare, you did. Fucking screaming your head off…”

He swallowed hard and for a moment he wasn’t sure what was real, which scared him more than anything. The only thing he felt was Alfie’s hand on his leg and he ran his hands over his face, trying to calm down but felt tears in his eyes.

“F-Fuck…. Where… where are we? Where the fuck are we?”

He felt like reality and his nightmares were blurring together at the moment and he was collapsing in on himself.

Alfie moved closer to him and searched his eyes, seeing the madness within them. “Tommy, you’re in Margate, with me. You’re back in England, our home. You’re not in France anymore. All that shit’s behind us now.”

_Home._

_England._

_Margate._

He tried to force his brain to process the information, but he still felt hot, _so hot_. His head felt muddled still.

He ripped at his tie to loosen it, but it might as well have been a noose. His hands were trembling as he tried to breathe, and he found them to be useless.

“Hang on, hang on a minute, Tom,” he batted away Tommy’s hands and quickly was able to untie it, and quickly set it on the chair before he started to unbutton the first three buttons on his shirt. When he had done that, he smiled. “There you are. You’re all right, Tommy… breathe now, yeah? Just breathe. Let the sea air into your lungs, right?”

He was breathing so hard that he felt like his lungs had been punctured, and he forced himself to look at Alfie, feeling his eyes on him. When he looked over, he saw that Alfie was demonstrating taking breaths, holding them before exhaling again. Tommy looked at him oddly before he started to mimic his actions.

_In._

_Out._

_In._

_Out._

Tommy did this several more times, almost feeling back to normal again near the end. He wasn’t so warm anymore, and the air came back to his lungs. He tried to focus on the sea air and looked out at the open window as he breathed in and out, inhaling and exhaling slowly to get some control over his body.

“There you are, mate. Feeling better, yeah? I knew you would. Sea air makes everything better, it does. Do you have a lot of nightmares, from the War? I only ask because sometimes I do, but… when I wake up, I’m better, right? Everything is normal again.”

Tommy still sat against the chair, itching for a cigarette. “Yes, Alfie. I do have a lot of nightmares.”

“Right, I’m sure all of us who came back still do. You know, Abraham was the first man to have a nightmare in the Torah. Did you know that?”

Tommy blinked and cleared his throat before he grabbed his cigarettes off the floor and lit one, taking a drag. “I can’t say I’m a particularly religious man, Alfie. I don’t know a lot about the Torah.”

“Right, okay. Well, religious or not, it does not matter. Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch, a German scholar, right, says that he had to experience the endless night and dread and exulting awakening so he could grasp more surely and more deeply and be handed down all the certainty of something that had already been lived through. Do you understand what any of that means, Tom?”

Tommy shook his head, unable to deny how his thoughts may have drifted off at the mention of religion. He tried his best to look attentive, though. He knew how religious Alfie was, and if he could be predictable of anything, it was that he could quote the Torah as well as give lessons through it.

“Well, it fucking means that… you had to experience that nightmare you had earlier so you could have more knowledge in your waking hours. When we have nightmares, really fucking awful ones, right, it helps us to get through our days easier,” Alfie explained.

“And how is that exactly? I’ve had nightmares every day since I came home from the War, and I never feel any fuller with knowledge.” Tommy took another drag before exhaling.

“I’d say the fact that you’re still here, alive and breathing in front of me now has been the result of those nightmares, Tommy. You must have learned something from them because if you hadn’t, then I suppose I’d be standing in front of your grave right now.”

Tommy smirked slightly. “You would, would you? Eh? You’d visit my grave? Why? What would be the point?”

Alfie looked a bit disheartened now and he shook his head, shrugging. “To fucking grieve, Tom! I know you’re a cold-bloodied fucking creature sometimes, but I know there’s a heart in that chest of yours somewhere, mate. You’ve grieved… you’ve grieved since you’ve come back. Just like my people, you gypsies have been fucking grieving your whole lives; you were born to grieve.”

Tommy didn’t think he could argue that. He silently smoked, and breathed in more sea air, letting it get into his lungs and make a home.

Alfie called in his housekeeper to make them tea and once Tommy had three cups and some toast, he threw his coat back on and straightened the rest of his clothes out, buttoning his shirt back up again.

“You can… stay longer if you like, Tommy,” Alfie offered, kindness in his voice.

He could tell the man was lonely, even if he’d never admit it. For a brief second, he thought about staying, but he knew he couldn’t, as much as he wanted to.

“I can’t, Alfie. I have to go back home, to Birmingham. I’ll be back by tomorrow though, I promise. We can talk some more, drink some more…”

“Could we dance some more too?” Alfie asked, smirking.

Thomas Shelby let out a chuckle before he nodded. “Why not? We’ll dance some more then as well. In fact, I look forward to it.”

Alfie gave a soft laugh and nodded, rolling his sleeves up in the thick humidity of the house. “Good then. I’ll see you soon, Tommy.”

“See you soon, Alfie,” He put his cigarette out and stood in front of the other man awkwardly, unsure whether he should shake his hand or hug him, so he did neither and walked out of the house instead, feeling so stupid.

He had never shaken Alfie’s hand unless it was for a deal, and they had spit in their palms to seal it beforehand. Tommy wasn’t sure how he should act towards him now, how to say goodbye. He knew what he would do with women, that seemed to come so naturally to him. Saying goodbye to a man was different for him, though.

Especially when it was Alfie Solomons. The two of them were spending so much time together, drinking and dancing now that he felt like there was something unspoken between them, but what could Tommy say to him? He wasn’t sure; he wasn’t sure how he was feeling, why he was feeling it, or what this awkwardness actually was between them.

He was afraid to find out, but he was more afraid of not knowing.

_Maybe if he continued having nightmares, he would eventually know what to do._

Maybe Alfie was full of shit. If he were supposed to gain knowledge from all his nightmares, the people he loved would still be alive right now. He would’ve known how to save them and let the bullets hit him instead.

Grace was still be alive.

John would still be alive.

Danny Whizz-Bang would still be alive.

Tommy tried not to think about all the ones he had gotten killed as he got a train ticket to go back home.

**…….. … ………..**

As soon as he got back home, he wished he had stayed in Margate. He wished he had never left Alfie. He missed the sea air already, missed Alfie. He decided to make his first stop at Ada’s place; he hadn’t talked to her for a while.

That was possibly one of the only people he would come back to Birmingham for; his younger sister, to make sure she was all right. He loved her, of course, but his intentions for going there were two-fold.

He also wanted to talk to James, Ada’s homosexual roommate that he had met before, and basically used as insurance against Alfie. He was pleasantly surprised that James had been so willing, and did not say anything about the experience afterwards to him. He was glad for it, though; he could talk to him freely. At least as freely as his brain would allow.

He gently knocked on the door as he stood outside of Ada’s flat, and thankfully was met with James’ friendly face.

“Mr. Shelby,” he greeted politely.

The formal sounding version of his name made him wince slightly, being reminded of their deadbeat father. “No need for the formality, James. Please call me Tommy, or Thomas, if you prefer.”

“Who’s at the door, James?” Ada called out.

James moved out of the way but followed Tommy into the living room where Ada was reading a book and drinking tea. He felt like he was having déjà vu; she had been seen this way last time he had come here to talk with her.

“Tommy,” she greeted in surprise, setting her book down to look at him. “What brings you here?”

He cleared his throat. “I’ve come to see how my little sister has been doing, and I’d like to talk to James as well about something.”

“No,” she said automatically.

“No?”

“No,” Ada repeated firmly, looking at her brother. “Neither of you still told me what you needed him last time for! I’m not going to let you corrupt him like you corrupted Freddie and everyone else!”

“ _I_ corrupted Freddie? Ada, he was corrupted a long time before I had anything to do with him. Besides, I haven’t made James here do anything he hadn’t wanted to do, eh?” He looked at James who nodded in agreement. “See? James, would you mind giving my sister and I a few minutes to talk alone?”

“Of course, Thomas.” He smiled again and walked out of the room, giving them privacy.

“Tommy, what do you want to talk to him about?”

He decided to ignore her question for now. “How have things been in Birmingham, Ada? Are you all right?”

She was always grateful at her brother’s concern for her, because even though it wasn’t rare, it was still something that he showed towards her not very often. Her defenses started to drop. “I’m fine, Tommy. How are you?”

He gave a nod. “Yeah, also fine. How is everyone else?”

Ada took a sip of her tea. “Well, Aunt Pol is… Aunt Pol. Arthur’s still running around causing havoc, and Finn is… going through something, I honestly can’t tell what it is… but, I’ve been a bit concerned about him.”

Tommy was going to go pay Finn a visit anyway. “Right. I’ll go see him after I’m done here. I haven’t received anything so I’m assuming everything else is good here.”

She looked at Tommy a bit sheepishly before she shrugged. “Charlie misses you.”

This surprised him a bit. “Well, where is my boy, eh?”

“He’s with Arthur and Johnny Dogs in the country. They thought the fresh air would help him. He’s been acting out a lot, causing trouble, mainly. Starting fights. Sometimes he says how he doesn’t want to see you again, and then other times he’s whining because you’re not around.”

Guilt pooled in Tommy’s stomach again and he sighed, taking out a cigarette before lighting it. He coughed a little bit. “Spending time with them in the country will do him some good, Ada. He’s just sick of being cooped up inside here. He needs to be free.”

Ada sighed a bit disapprovingly. “Whatever business you’re doing right now, you still need to make time for Charlie, Tommy. He is your son and you hardly see him.”

_Suppose it runs in the family, then._

The words he dared not say to her. He’d never hear the end of it.

“I’ll see him, Ada. Don’t worry. He’s a grown boy, eh? He doesn’t need me.” He didn’t miss the look of disbelief and sadness in her eyes, but it hurt his heart to talk about the boy of a mother who had died.

“I’ll be talking to James now. I really am glad you’re doing all right, Ada,” he said sincerely, taking a drag of his cigarette before exhaling.

“I know, Tommy,” she smiled softly, nodding.

He nodded back and then walked to where James’ room was off the hallway. He stopped what he was doing in his drawer and closed them before he gave him a kind smile. “You wanted to talk to me?”

“Yes,” Tommy nodded, walking inside and closing the door behind him. “I do need to talk to you. I want to make it clear though that whatever I say to you in this room stays strictly between us, James.” He didn’t want to add a threat to the end of the sentence like he normally would, so he kept it nice.

“Yeah, of course, Thomas. Trust me, I know how to keep a secret. It’s just your sister that can’t.”

Tommy chuckled now and nodded knowingly before he moved closer to James and glanced out the window as he watched his uncle Charlie walk past on his way to his yard. He looked back at the young man, debating how much he wanted to confess to him.

“So, you’re a… homosexual,” he said, matter-of-factly. “How did you know you were… like how you are, James?”

He knew he sounded judging, but he really had no idea how to go about this conversation, and he needed answers. James looked at him with some confusion at first and then it turned into slight apprehensiveness.

“I… suppose since I was around eleven. My mates were going out with other women, and I’d go as well, spend a night with them, but… I never felt any attraction to them. I started feeling pretty strongly towards a couple of my mates, but never let on, mostly out of fear I suppose. Everyone else says it’s… not natural, you know?” James bit his lip and looked at the other man. “Might I ask why you’re asking?”

Tommy shook his head, swallowing hard. “No reason. I was simply curious, how… all that occurs. I…” he coughed a bit before he changed his mind. “I know a man, James. I’ve known him for a long time now, and we’ve been spending a lot of time together lately. I used to be married, several years ago, to a wonderful woman named Grace. I felt love for her. I would die for her, but instead, she died for me. Anyway, I’ve been feeling a similar way towards this man, I believe, as I felt towards her.”

James looked apologetic and confused. “I’m sorry, Thomas. I’m unfamiliar with those particular feelings. I’ve only felt it towards men personally.”

Tommy was trying to ask questions and explain things as kindly as he could, knowing that James would be the only other person around that wouldn’t judge him or laugh. He moved a bit closer. “If it’s homosexuality for you, James… what would it be for me?”

James shook his head, shrugging but somehow still looking kind. “I’m not sure, to be honest, Mr. Shelby. I… wouldn’t put a label on it, though. Labels are just what society puts on people like me, maybe yourself as well. I think we should just be with whoever makes us happy and gives us the will to live.”

Tommy took this information in and nodded appreciatively before relaxing somewhat. “You’re right, James. I believe you are right. Thank you, for answering my questions and talking to me about this.”

The younger man relaxed now as well and smiled. “Of course. Anytime, really. It’s… nice to be able to talk to someone else about this kind of thing.”

Tommy smiled back and gently clapped his hand against James’ shoulder congenially. “See you around, James,” he made his way down the hall and saw Ada reading again. He stopped in the archway before waving to her. “So long, Ada.”

She looked over and smiled at her brother. “Goodbye, Tommy. Please talk to Finn?”

“I’m on my way over there right now,” he assured her. “Have a good rest of your day.” He walked out and let out a sigh of relief before making his way over to Finn’s flat on the same bit of pavement, a couple flats down.

He didn’t bother to knock on the door this time, figuring that Finn was either fucking or sleeping and wouldn’t answer the door anyway. This time, he was sleeping. Tommy slammed the door loudly, causing Finn to shoot up away and instinctively grab for his gun, aiming it at him.

“Bloody Christ, Tommy…” he relaxed again and put the gun back down on his side table before he sat up, half naked on the bed.

“What’s going on then, eh? What have you done that has your own sister worried about you?” Tommy asked, concerned. He hoped it was nothing too serious that he couldn’t help him solve with either a threat or a razor.

Finn seemed to shrink a little now, and Tommy was seeing him as a little boy again. He looked as guilty as Tommy always felt, and now his worry grew. He searched his younger brother’s face before he moved inside closer and looked at him.

“What is it, Finn? Talk to me.”

Finn sighed, shaking his head. He looked more ashamed than Tommy had ever seen him. “I’m fine, Tom. I just… I can’t talk about it, with anyone. It’s… sick, not right, Arthur says. He says I can’t tell anyone about it, ever.”

Tommy sighed heavily, cursing Arthur in his head. “What does Arthur know about anything, Finn? You can fill up a book with what Arthur doesn’t know. So, you’ll tell him about what’s on your mind, but not me?”

There wasn’t any anger in his voice, just exhaustion.

“Tom, sometimes I’ve been seeing girls, yeah? We fuck, and it’s fine and all, but… I don’t _enjoy_ it.”

Now Thomas Shelby turned his entire attention to his brother. “Do you finish fucking?”

“Sometimes, but… sometimes I stop halfway through,” Finn confessed. There was shame again. “At first I thought it was the snow, or the drink, but… I’ve tried not sniffing or drinking, and it still happens. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”

Thomas looked down for a moment in thought, and then ran his hand over his hair. He couldn’t believe it; his younger brother Finn was a homosexual too, just like James. He wasn’t surprised Arthur told him not to talk about it; he never had a tolerance for anything that wasn’t drink or drugs. 

He let his face soften now, because he knew Finn needed someone on his side. He was in No Man’s Land with James and himself right now.

“Finn, you’re not doing anything wrong. You just need to be with the right type of people, and then you’ll feel more comfortable,” Tommy started. “Do you feel… an attraction to one type of people more than another, maybe more than you feel towards women?”

Finn’s brows knitted but he nodded, avoiding his older brother’s eyes. “Yeah, I think so. I mean… I’ve never actually… had sex with them, but…” he trailed off, feeling almost embarrassed to be talking about this with Tommy.

“Try it, Finn,” Tommy nodded to him encouragingly. “Make sure they feel the same way too, and even though everyone else is saying it’s wrong or sick, try it with someone else who makes you feel good, and that you trust. Make sure, above all else, that you trust them, Finn. That’s important, yeah?”

Finn looked back up at him now and was hanging on Tommy’s every word, sensing the importance of the discussion finally. He appeared to relax slightly. “Yeah, all right. Y-You’re not… ashamed of me? It’s not sick?”

“No,” Tommy said instantly, shaking his head, wishing that someone besides James was here for him like he was for Finn right now. “I could never be ashamed of you, Finn. You make me proud, and no matter what you do in this life, you’re making your kin proud. It’s not sick, what it is, is love, and affection and we all need that right now. There isn’t anything wrong with having fun and loving someone you trust.”

“What about Arthur?”

“Fuck Arthur,” Tommy replied. “Fuck what he thinks. Do what feels right in your heart, Finn.”

Finn smiled a bit now and nodded. “Okay, Tommy.”

He smiled at his brother. “Okay, then,” he grabbed a piece of paper off the table before writing down a phone number. “If you ever need me, Finn, call this number… but don’t give it to anyone else except Ada. Understand?”

Finn nodded and looked down at the number. “Where is this? Wait, where are you living now?”

“Somewhere else, Finn,” he said simply. He didn’t want to give any more details other than that simply because he couldn’t face Arthur if he were to make a trip there. “Watch your own back, Finn, above all else. I’m still around, it just takes me longer to get back here, but take care of yourself first.”

Finn nodded now in understanding and hid the number in the back of one of the drawers. “See you, Tommy.”

“I’ll see you again soon, Finn. Call if you need me.” He walked out now and felt like a weight was lifted off of him.

He started to walk to his own place a few houses down and walked inside before locking the doors behind him. He went upstairs and sat down on his bed before he put his face in his hands. He relaxed for about a half hour before he rummaged through his own drawers and grabbed several small blue vials of what he had come here for.

He stuffed them in his pockets before he walked back out again and then headed back towards the train station. He could’ve drove here and back, but taking the train was faster. He needed fast right now. He couldn’t chance running into Aunt Polly.

He felt conflicted about seeing his son, for reasons that no one understood. He didn’t expect anyone to understand either, because he felt like child neglect was in his family’s blood. It was more done out of pain for losing Grace, than any malice towards his own son.

He loved him, but that was why he had to do this, too. He was doing this to protect Charlie from the worst monster of all.

Himself.

He had to go back to Margate, back to Alfie.


	3. sea and sand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So as a disclaimer: I'm not of the Jewish faith, but I'm trying to research certain things online the best I can. Forgive me if they're not 100% accurate. 
> 
> Also, I'm not a gay man, but I am a bisexual woman. I'm writing Tommy based on my own personal experiences and feelings to an extent, so forgive me if it's also not 100% true for a bisexual man. Again, I'm doing them in accordance to how I've felt about sexuality and such in my own experience as a woman.

**. . .**

Tommy thanked whatever Higher Power existed that he was able to get back to Margate relatively quickly. He loathed going by train; his gypsy soul much preferred to go there by other means, but he felt like this was somehow more subtle to his family. They’d be able to find him if he went by caravan.

He arrived back home late. Tommy found himself wondering if Alfie was still awake, but he didn’t call him. Instead, he poured himself some gin, lit a cigarette and pulled a chair over to his back door of the house before he sat down in it and watched the waves crashing over and over in the warm night.

He didn’t get any sleep, and found himself watching the sun rise in the morning. He felt tired and mentally drained from being with his family, but he couldn’t help but also feel relief at everything James had told him, as well as Finn. He hadn’t suspected him of being gay, but it didn’t make him love his kid brother any less. It took balls to open up to Tommy like he did, even if he was reluctant to do so.

He coughed before he stood up, washed, and got changed before he fixed his hair and decided to walk over to Alfie’s place when he was sure that he would be awake and coherent.

When he arrived there, before knocking, he took the small blue vial out of his pants and quickly did a line off the side of his hand before sniffing several times and then rubbing his nose to get rid of the rest. He finally raised his hand and knocked on the door only to come face to face with Alfie who looked at him with those concerned eyes of his.

“Tommy, good to see you again, mate. Why don’t you come in, yeah?” He stepped aside to let the Shelby man inside.

 _This was a first_ , Tommy thought to himself. _He usually would berate me about something before letting me inside and be decent._

He heard the door shut and then saw Alfie walk towards the bar cart he had in the library room and poured himself a drink. “What would you like, Tom? Gin or whiskey?”

Tommy cleared his throat before he lit a cigarette, almost as a reflex. “Gin, Alfie. Always gin.”

“Don’t you ever get sick of drinking fucking gin all the time, Tommy? When I first met you, all you drank was fucking Irish whiskey, didn’t ye? Do you get kicks from drinking your own alcohol?”

Tommy walked over to where Alfie was and grabbed his small glass of gin before looking at him. “Do you? I made this gin for a reason, Alfie. For incurable sadness.”

“Right,” Alfie nodded. “And has this gin cured you of your sadness at all, Tommy?”

He thought for a moment and set the cigarette between his fingers before taking a long drink. “Sometimes. I don’t feel quite so sad when I drink it, I suppose. Does rum and whiskey ever cure your sadness, Alfie?”

The other man gave a grunt and shook his head before he sat down. “What makes you think I’m sad, mate? I’m not sad! I have nothing to be sad about. I’m dead, Tommy… what else could happen to me?”

“Well we’re all fucking dead, Alfie,” Tommy replied neutrally, taking a drag of his cigarette.

“Fucking hell, mate,” Alfie suddenly leaned in towards him, a gesture that took him by surprise that he didn’t move. Not even when the other man reached over and gently knocked off the remainder of cocaine that was on one of his nostrils. “Fuckin’ playing in the snow still, are you?”

Tommy checked his nose again with his own hand to make sure it was all off now and then took another drink, changing the topic.

“My brothers and I came back from France with the blues. All that shootin’, all that killing… all that fucking mud and blood,” he spoke softly. He wasn’t sure why he was telling Alfie any of this, but it felt good to tell _somebody_. “You fought in France too, Alfie. Are you telling me that you never feel sad?”

The question made Alfie look a bit curiously at him. “I get nightmares sometimes, Tommy… nightmares and sadness aren’t the same thing, yeah? Nightmares are… fuckin’… from trauma experienced. Sadness is from watching your fucking friends and brothers die around you over and over and fucking over again. I know you have nightmares too, so don’t fuckin’ pretend you don’t. From what my people have researched on you and your family, sadness is something that runs in the family, innit?”

Tommy tensed a little and nodded. “Yes, Alfie. I suppose it is.”

“Right, so… maybe your sadness wasn’t something that you returned from the war with. Maybe it was something lying dormant inside of your head for a while, and only got worse once you returned. All those fucking memories came back, I imagine. Fuck, Tommy… sadness is worse than nightmares, innit? Sadness can fuckin’ kill you. At least with nightmares, you can’t die in them. You’ve already suffered from them once before; the only thing to be gained from them is –ʺ

“I swear to god, Alfie,” Tommy interrupted now with a cool tone. “If you fucking say knowledge, I’ll be forced to take my hat off and cut my own throat. Nightmares are only nightmares when you wake up from them. In the moment, when you’re asleep, they’re real as day.”

Alfie gave a nod now and looked down at his own glass of gin before taking a drink from it. The two men sat together in silence, occasionally looking outside at the ocean. Tommy breathed in the sea air, letting it fill his lungs up.

After almost an hour of comfortable silence, Tom cleared his throat to speak. “Alfie, I need to ask you a serious question.”

The other man straightened up and leaned in a bit, putting his serious face on now, giving a nod. “All right, Tommy… what is your serious question?”

“What am I?”

The vague question made Alfie search his face for a long time. “Well… you’re a fuckin’ terrible distiller, mate. Honestly, this gin is something fuckin’ disastrous.”

Tommy looked at Alfie with a look he’d never given him before. It was a look of helplessness. Tommy Shelby never looked helpless, at least never in public. Maybe alone he did. “Alfie, I’m being fucking serious right now. I need answers. What the fuck am I, eh?”

“Well,” Alfie scratched his beard thoughtfully. “I do apologize, but I’m afraid you’re either going to be more specific or… you’ll need to give me some background information. What exactly are we talking about here?”

_Was he really going to do this right now, with Alfie?_

Tommy finished his drink and took a drag from his cigarette before he exhaled, taking his hat off and setting it on his leg, feeling too hot. “I don’t know where to fucking begin,” he sighed. “I loved my wife, Alfie. I fucking loved Grace, but… I feel an attraction to… men now as well. When I was back home, I talked to my sister’s roommate, James… and he doesn’t know what I would even be called. He didn’t think I was a homosexual, like him. Then I dropped in on my brother, Finn. He told me he isn’t attracted to women at all. He was fucking afraid to tell me, because of how people are like nowadays… just like… I’m fucking afraid of telling you this now.”

Alfie listened intently, his eyes seemingly unreadable to Tommy. He wet his lips in thought. “That’s quite a fucking dilemma, mate, innit? To tell you the truth, I believe I feel the same way as your little brother does about attraction to the female sort. If there’s one thing I know, Thomas Shelby, it’s that you need not be afraid to talk to me about this sort of thing. There’s plenty of other shit to judge you by; I don’t believe that your sexual preference should be one of them.”

Tommy breathed out a silent breath he didn’t know he had been holding. He ran a hand over his face. “Well, that’s very big of you, Alfie… but I still don’t know what the fuck I am, do I?”

“You’re Tommy Shelby, of the Peaky fucking Blinders, ain’t ya? You’re a brother, and a father. Why do you need to be called anything else?” He asked rhetorically, genuinely. “If you really want to be labeled though, like some… fuckin’ tin of biscuits, then I’m sure we can come up with somethin’.”

Tommy took another drag before exhaling again, and then put the cigarette out in a nearby ashtray. “Enlighten me, Alfie.”

“I read a lot, Tommy. What the hell else is there to do in Margate, right, well I fucking read a lot, and I’ve come across some interesting books and articles in the papers. I saw an article recently specifically on homosexuality, where they broke it down, right. Homosexuality is attraction to one’s own sex. Like your friend James, and your brother, Finn, yeah? If you’re attracted to both sexes, that’s two, so… the prefix of bilateral is two, two-sided,” Alfie thought aloud. “It’d make sense if you were… say, bisexual, right?”

Tommy took this in, and nodded. He felt better that at least Alfie could put a name to what he was, even if society couldn’t yet. “What does your religion say about homosexuality?” Tommy asked, intrigued.

It could have just been the way Alfie was sitting, but the Shelby man could have sworn he saw him shrink lower in the chair. His demeanor changed a bit, and he looked anxious, shifting uneasy before he played with the rings on his hand.

“It says it’s fucking forbidden, mate,” he answered, matter-of-factly. “‘Thou shall not lie with mankind, as with womankind; it is detestable.’ ‘And if a man lie with mankind, as with womankind, both have committed a detestable act: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.’”

Tommy took this in and felt a chill run through his entire body. The only other time he felt like this was when he had seen John laying on that cold slab in the mortuary, lying so still. The thought of Alfie lying on a slab as still as he had made his bones hurt and his chest ache painfully. He swallowed hard.

He had always been somewhat impressed with Alfie and his ability to memorize verses, even if he disagreed with those verses personally.

“So we should be put down like wild dogs because we love someone who may not be a woman?” Tommy asked, disgust dripping in his voice as he concentrated on Alfie.

“Well, that’s what the Torah says, anyway. From my own reading, it looks to read like that in other religious books as well. It is… ‘an abomination.’”

“Do you believe it, Alfie?” his voice was softer now.

“Sometimes, I think I might, but it’s as if the rules don’t apply to everyone else, right, just myself. I feel like… I’m the abomination. Do _you_ believe you’re one as well, Tommy?”

The other man sighed shakily and shook his head, unsure. “I don’t know, Alfie. I didn’t think I was one when I was with Grace, but now that I’m currently not feeling that attraction to other women right now, maybe I am one as well. I don’t believe that James is one, though, or Finn. I believe you can’t help who you fall in love with.”

Alfie smiled a bit and nodded in agreement. “You just said it yourself, Tommy, didn’t ye? You can’t help who you fall in love with. So… we both think we’re fucking abominations, but not anyone else who is like us; very interesting, indeed.”

Tommy searched his face and found himself relaxing a little. He found himself grateful that Alfie had confessed his own attraction to men, and that they both felt similarly about their sexuality. He knew that the man was religious, and he found himself a bit surprised that he didn’t necessarily agree with his own religion’s viewpoints about it; maybe it was secretly eating him up, though.

The two men switched topics now and talked for a few hours about nothing as serious as sexuality, much to each of their relief. They smoked together and drank another few small glasses of gin until they were more than tipsy by lunchtime. Tommy was having trouble thinking clearly, and Alfie was stumbling a bit.

“Oh fuck, Tommy,” he slurred, chuckling. “I’m beginning to think we shouldn’t have had all that fuckin’ gin of yours, mate. It all went straight to my head.”

Tommy watched as Alfie tripped on the leg of one of the chairs in the room and he reached over and caught his body before he could fall on the floor. He chuckled softly before shaking his head. “Maybe my gin is a bit stronger than I thought.”

“You’d think your tolerance would be through the fucking roof… with all your drinking and smokin’, and snorting all fuckin’ day,” Alfie playfully shunned before he decided to just lay on the floor instead. “It’s a miracle any of you can function after all of those poison you lot put into your fucking bodies, mate.”

Tommy dropped to his knees before he also rolled onto his back next to Alfie on the floor with a groan. He was getting too old to be doing this shit.

“I don’t think about it, Alfie,” Tommy spoke softly, feeling sleepy. “I never think about it. I just do what I feel like, whenever I feel like because it feels good to me. It helps me get through the day.”

“You don’t need fuckin’ poisons to get you through the day, sweetie,” Alfie spoke casually. “All you need is patience, faith, and love. I personally believe the faith one is especially important, though.”

Tommy turned his head to look at him and slowly opened his eyes. “What about love? I’ve found that to be pretty important as well.”

“Love is… nice and all, Tommy, but… love makes you vulnerable, right. Love can get you fuckin’ killed. It twists you from the inside out and can drain you of everything you have. Love’s downright dangerous,” Alfie explained, closing his own eyes now.

The Birmingham man thought he had fallen asleep but the occasional twitch in his jaw told him otherwise. Tommy didn’t say anything, though. He just lay there beside the other man, thinking. How could he live like this? How could he be so religious, have so much faith in something that told him how he was an abomination that should be killed? He didn’t understand. Who would want to believe in something like that when it went against what they believed in?

He thought about this until he drifted off to sleep, the first sleep he’d managed to get in a long time, his hand dangerously close to Alfie’s. Just as he fell asleep, though, he felt a warm touch on his palm, and it lulled him into sleep.

**…………. …. ………….**

**  
** Tommy inhaled sharply as he woke up with a start, gasping loudly as his body gave a quick jolt on the floor. He felt his heart racing in his chest, and he looked around, taking in his surroundings. He blinked rapidly before he sat up and started coughing.

“Hey, Tommy…” a voice soothed him, walking in from the kitchen with a cup of tea in his hands. He knelt down in front of him, holding out the cup. “Here, drink this, mate. Try and calm down. It was just a bad dream, a nightmare… it’s just fuckin’ noise, innit?”

Tommy nodded and took a few deep breaths before he took the tea and sipped it slowly. It was lukewarm but right now he felt so thirsty that he didn’t mind, and drank more of it. He looked down at his hands and found they were trembling. He self-consciously held them against his body and sighed.

“What time is it, Alfie?”

“It’s almost half seven in the evening. It seems we slept the day away, mate.”

Tommy rubbed his eyes. It was rare to be able to sleep after doing snow; even with gin, he usually had no problem in staying awake. He also never had as many glasses of gin when he sniffed, though. Having three glasses of it did him in. His hands were still shaking, and he felt embarrassed that he couldn’t get them under control.

Alfie looked at him with worry in his eyes, well, eye. “Come on, Tom. Take your shoes and socks off, and come with me,” he urged, standing up before he put his hands out to help him up.

Tommy did as he was told before he took Alfie’s calloused hands and used his own strength to help himself up. He followed him outside and they walked towards the beach. The feeling of the sand between his toes made him almost laugh; it was an insane sensation.

He was so used to having dirt and coal on his feet as a kid, and to feel sand on his skin now felt like he was still dreaming. “Where are we going exactly, eh?”

“You’ll see,” Alfie led him down the beach until they reached an area of yellow-orange sand and sat down on it.

Tommy sat down beside him, and he watched as the water came in, just barely touching their feet.

“Feel that sea air, the water on your fucking skin… isn’t it much better than that smoke and coal from your section of town, Tommy? The sea and sand makes me feel more alive than I’ve ever felt in my entire life, right. Breathing that salty air is much better than breathing in all that smoke and poison,” Alfie rambled before he dug his fingers into the sand.

Tommy watched him and did the same, watched as the tide came in again, the water getting closer to them. He didn’t even care about his suit getting drenched; he realized what Alfie meant. The sensation of sand and sea soaked into Tommy’s skin, his very soul.

“What is it, mate? What’s wrong?” Alfie suddenly asked him.

“Eh?” Tommy asked before he blinked and looked over at the other man. Then he felt something wet on his cheeks. He took his fingers and wiped the wetness away, but not before his chest suddenly clenched. He swallowed hard, biting back the sob that threatened to escape his throat.

“Tom?”

“M-My mother,” Tommy suddenly answered. “The water reminds me of her. She drowned in it, in the canal. She just… stepped into it and let herself fucking drown.”

He didn’t know why he was explaining what had happened; they both knew that Alfie knew about his mother, but Alfie didn’t say as much.

“I’m sorry, mate,” he said sincerely. “I didn’t bring you out here to bring you pain, though. I brought you out here to help.”

Tommy felt more tears run down his cheeks, realizing he probably hadn’t cried since the day Grace had been taken from him. He let the water wash over his legs and clenched the sand in his hands tightly.

“You’ve helped, Alfie,” he said softly. “You’ve helped.”

The other man searched Tommy’s face before he stood up and brushed himself off, dusting the sand off of his own slacks. He gently pulled the other man back to his feet and did the same for him before he began to lead him back inside.

“Come on, Tommy… let’s get you cleaned up, yeah?”

He just nodded before he cleared his throat, trying to force himself back to the present again. He filled the bathtub up for before he grabbed a towel. “All right, go ahead and get undressed. I’ll have Rebekah clean your clothes for you. You’ll have them back again before you set off tomorrow. I think it’ll be best if you just stay here the night, Tom.”

Tommy wasn’t about to object; he was still feeling a little drunk, and sad, and he really didn’t want to go back to his own place tonight. He nodded and got undressed down to his underwear before he glanced over at Alfie expectantly and saw him staring at him.

“What? What is it, Alfie?”

“Hm?” He grunted, blinking. “Oh, it’s nothing, mate. Just… admiring your battle wounds, aren’t I? I never realized just how many scars you’ve gotten from the War. I thought they were just all inside your head, but they’re on the outside too. I’ve just never seen them before.”

Tommy turned around to show Alfie the scars on his back as well before looking back at him. “Do you have any?”

Alfie gave a snort of amusement before he pulled off his own shirt and then pointed to a large scar on his abdomen. “Bullet wound, Flanders. Most of them are bullet wounds, come to think of it. Oh, except this one,” he turned to the side. “That’s a fucking enemy knife wound, that is.”

Tommy smirked, almost in admiration. He bit his lip, feeling a warmness inside of him building up as he looked at all of Alfie’s bare skin. He was tatted up more than Tommy was. It didn’t put him off any, however. In fact, it made him walk closer over to him.

“What are you doin’, Tommy?”

He wasn’t sure exactly what he was doing, but he wasn’t able to control himself. Alfie looked… _desirable._ He hesitantly searched Alfie’s face and then leaned in closer before he suddenly pressed his lips against the other veteran’s lips softly.

He felt Alfie give a soft sound that was almost a moan, but that couldn’t be it. Then, he felt him kiss him back. He could taste the mint tea Alfie had been drinking earlier, and he kissed him deeper, unsure exactly what was driving him.

Alfie slowly pulled away after another minute of this, before he smiled and searched Tommy’s eyes. “Another time, perhaps, Tom… when the drink hasn’t completely gone to your head, right.”

He felt disappointment fill him up now, but he let it go, opting to take a bath instead after Alfie left the room. He didn’t miss the smile on Alfie’s face that seemed to be plastered there now.

He _did_ still feel drunk, and sleepy. Maybe tomorrow he’d kiss Alfie again, just to gain some experience.


	4. this

**. . .**

Tommy was still in the process of waking up when he smelled Grace’s perfume close to him. He opened his eyes quickly even though the light from the window was blinding, and then looked around. He half expected to see her.

He stood up and began to walk around Alfie’s guest room, searching for the source of the perfume, but was unable to find anyone else here. He blinked a few times before he ran his hands through his hair as he thought about _how_ Grace’s scent could be lingering still near him.

_Maybe she was still here._

That was an odd thought, though. Grace as a ghost, still watching over Tommy, or maybe she was trying to warn him about something, or someone. He swallowed hard, trying to push it out of his head. He didn’t want to be warned of Alfie. If something bad was going to happen, so be it, but for the love of a god, don’t let Alfie be involved in it.

He got dressed and then walked downstairs, hearing his host bouncing around in the kitchen, occasionally swearing. When he got closer, he saw Alfie wearing an apron, pulling bread out of the oven.

Tommy couldn’t help but let out a quiet chuckle. “What’s this, then? You’re actually baking bread, and it’s not even in liquid form.”

Alfie jumped slightly when he heard the Shelby man near him but set the bread pan on the counter to cool off. He looked at him. “Of course it’s bread. I told ye, Tom, I’m out of that dirty business now. Which would you prefer, tea or coffee?”

“Coffee, I think this morning, Alfie,” Tommy sat down at the table and waited until he had gotten them both coffee before he cleared his throat and then took out a cigarette. “Do you mind if I ask you another question?”

“Sure, why not?”

Tommy took a drag from his cigarette before he lightly threw his lighter back onto the table lazily. “Do you believe in ghosts?”

“Ghosts?” Alfie’s eyes narrowed slightly. “What kind of ghosts, Tommy? I don’t believe my people believe in ghosts.”

Tommy sighed patiently, leaning back in his chair as he exhaled his smoke before taking a drink of his coffee. He knew that Alfie was trying to be a gracious host to him, so he didn’t even cringe at the strong coffee. “I’m smelling a phantom perfume, like the kind Grace used to wear.”

“You smelled it, just now, upstairs in your room?” Alfie asked, suddenly very interested now. He might have looked even a bit fearful.

Tommy gave a nod, taking another slow drag before he exhaled away from the other man. “Just now upstairs,” he repeated with verification.

Alfie scratched at his chin in thought before he looked across the table at the other man, drinking his coffee. “What do you think it is? What do the gypsies believe?”

He took a couple minutes to smoke before he took another drink and cleared his throat again, the cigarettes clearly catching up to him. “That part of me tells me that maybe she’s come back to warn me of something to come, like she’s trying to tell me something important, and that I should listen. Another part of me tells me that she’s still here, watching me, protecting me, just… lingering here.”

Alfie nodded as he listened to him talk. “Those are some interesting theories, indeed, mate. Which do you hope that it is, and which would you want it to be?”

“Eh?” Tommy searched his eyes.

Alfie gave a shake of his head, as if his questions were obvious. “Is the drink and snow finally gettin’ to ye, Tommy? It’s exactly as I’m askin’. Which of your guesses is what you want it to be, and which one is what you believe it actually is? Don’t tell me you’re gettin’ thicker in your old age…”

Thomas Shelby had to think about it for a good few moments before he finally answered. “I want to be warned, of something to come, but… I also want her to let me know she’s here watching me, and protecting me. I want both, Alfie; I want both.”

“You always were the greedy one, mate,” the other man spoke, teasing in his voice.

Tommy said nothing to that, and finished his cigarette and coffee in a comfortable silence, occasionally looking up at him with an uneasy look in his eyes. The two shared the silence easily, neither feeling obligated to speak, until Tommy finally did.

“If she’s watching me, Alfie, do you think she… disapproves of what she sees?” Alfie’s brows came together in confusion, so Tommy continued. “Do you think she disapproves of _us_? Of me?”

Clarity reached the other man’s eyes finally and he leaned back in his chair, watching Thomas as he put out his cigarette in the nearby ashtray. “I think… that she would want you to be happy, wouldn’t she? You two seemed like you were very much in love, and I think that she would be happy just to see you happy, no matter who might make ye happy, right?”

“I really want you to be right, Alfie,” he confessed, looking around the smoke filled kitchen. He finished his first cup and helped himself to a second before sitting down again.

“Do you think we’re going to a Hell?”

“Fuckin’ hell, mate… these are some real fucking deep questions before lunchtime. I don’t know, but hell is relative, innit? I’d say you’ve been taking up residence there for a while now,” Alfie shrugged but gave him a smirk.

Tommy couldn’t help but smirk back at him and took a drink of coffee. He watched Alfie as he opened up an account book on the table and started to go through it. He smiled to himself, not very often having watched him work. This felt almost domestic, drinking coffee in the morning with him, sleeping over here, watching him work. It felt… nice.

He wondered if this is how Grace had felt with him.

His smile faded a little bit at the thought of her, but he hid it behind his coffee cup again. He was quiet now, letting Alfie work in peace and quiet. He smoked a second cigarette and looked out the window, listening to the seagulls and the waves. They were sounds he hadn’t heard since France, and now that he was home, they sounded foreign to him.

“Do you think you’ll die here, Alfie?” He asked softly.

The answer made Alfie raise a brow questioningly before glancing over his glasses at Thomas. “I bloody hope so, mate. It’d be a heavenly place to die, truth be told. It would be nice not to die where the sun doesn’t shine, with the stink of coal all around. I really don’t know how you can stomach it.”

Tommy inhaled the sea air into his lungs before exhaling again. “I agree with you. I don’t think I’d mind dying here either.”

Alfie smiled now and closed his account book. “Would you like to bring your coffee and sit outside on the beach with me again, Tommy? I could really use some more sea air in my own lungs.”

Tommy couldn’t hide his giddiness when Alfie asked him this, and a bright smile grew on his face now, like a child that was told he could ride on the carousal. He stood up with his coffee and let Alfie lead them both outside in the warm summer air.

“This heat has to be some kind of record. I’ve never been this warm in Birmingham before. I was half convinced I really did have ice in my veins all the time.”

Alfie gave a soft chuckle as he sat on the sand with a grunt before reaching a hand up to Tommy to help him down into the sand as well. The Shelby man gave a groan as well upon landing and then looked out at the sea.

“We’re having an unusual summer, indeed, Tommy. It’s nice though, right? There ain’t no fucking place like Margate, I’m telling ye, mate.”

Thomas gave a nod of agreement before he moved a little closer to Alfie, so their shoulders were touching. He felt a pang of nervousness sitting heavy in his stomach at the touch. He cleared his throat before he leaned in now and kissed Alfie’s lips gently.

The kiss took the other man by surprise, but he kissed him back anyway, his beard lightly scratching the surface of Tommy’s face. He didn’t mind, however; the feeling of Alfie’s lips against his own felt like bolts of lightning, shooting in his nerves, and lighting them on fire.

A few moments later when they both gently pulled back, away from the kiss, they both had smiles on their faces.

“I’m too old to be having first dates anymore, Tommy,” Alfie joked lightly, laughing.

Thomas joined in. “As am I, Alfie,” he chuckled, fighting the urge to kiss him once more; he wanted to feel that lightning in his body again.

Any tension that they seemed to have between them seemed to disappear, and the air felt easier, lighter. Tommy moved a bit closer to Alfie now and Alfie wrapped an arm around Tommy’s shoulders, letting the smaller man rest against him.

“All those fuckin’ years of you wanting to get closer to me, all ye had to do was give me a peck, Tommy…”

Thomas chuckled and rolled his eyes before playfully shoving Alfie, but not hard enough to hurt him. They returned to their previous position and Alfie held Tommy like that, both men watching as the tides rushed in and back out, barely touching their feet.

“I wish I could stay here forever, with you,” Tommy admitted.

“Aw, I’m deeply touched, Tom. Why can’t ye stay though? You’re more than welcome, in fact. I can set you up proper in my room.”

The offer was tempting. He smirked at him. “So what would we do in your room Alfie? Drink and smoke, and fuck all day long, eh?”

Alfie gave a nod before shrugging. “Sounds like heaven to me.”

Tommy chuckled at his bluntness, but it wasn’t any different how he’d talk to Grace or any other woman for that matter. His smile faded a bit. “It’s tempting, Alfie… it is, but… I’ll be needing to go back to Birmingham eventually. I still have my family there. My brothers, my son. It’s bad enough that I feel guilty for not wanting to be around any of them, but I need to go back.”

Alfie nodded but his mood seemed to change a bit. “Ah, right. Your family. And your son, Charlie, is it?” When Tommy nodded, he sighed. “Well, Charlie would be allowed here as well. He’s your son after all.”

“What is this, Alfie?” He asked him suddenly. “What is it that we’re doing exactly? I’m coming here, drinking, and smoking with you, and… kissing. What is this?”

“What would you call this with a woman? Anyway, that doesn’t fuckin’ matter. This is whatever you want it to be, mate. You want to put a label on everything, don’t ye?”

“I just like to know what I’m getting into before I make a commitment,” Thomas Shelby replied, shrugging against him. “So… we’re in a relationship, are we, Alfie?”

Alfie shrugged again. “Sure, mate. Why not? I mean, if you just want a fucking… one night stand, then it can be that if you fucking want. Like I said, it’s whatever you want this to be. I don’t care either way!”

Tommy was skeptical of that, because he knew that Alfie actually did care, at least to an extent. His laughter and his smile told him that earlier. He grew quiet now, trying his best not to overthink this whole thing, whatever “this” was.

Maybe he was right; maybe he didn’t need to put a label on it yet. He couldn’t get himself too involved with this man anyway; not when he had a son to take care of, and brothers to watch over. He had responsibilities and living in Margate all his life couldn’t be a part of all that. There was no room in this world for ‘his kind.’

It was a shameful world to be living in right now.

He looked back at the sea, taking deep breaths. “What do I tell everyone who asks me what the fuck I’ve been doing in Margate?”

“Well,” Alfie started. “What have you been telling ‘em?”

Tommy glanced over at him. “I’ve been telling them that I’m either doing business in London, or doing business with you here. I can’t tell them what we’re actually doing here together, can I?”

“Suppose not,” he agreed. “One day, I hope that we’ll be able to live freely, though, without anyone else caring about what should be our own fucking business anyway.”

“I can’t see that day happening anytime soon,” Tommy sighed, feeling miserable again.

Alfie turned his head and kissed his lips again, lingering there for a bit longer this time. Electricity shot through Tommy once again, this time going to his toes. He felt passion take him over, and he rested a hand on the back of Alfie’s neck, deepening the kiss now, feeling more urges taking over his body the longer they stayed like this.

They made out on the beach on and off for a good hour, and Tommy had dared to slip his hand under the back of Alfie’s shirt when he felt the other man slowly move away from him, a small smile on his face, though.

“Others might fuck on the first date, mate, but I assure you, I’m not one of those people. I like to take things slow, enjoy the moment, embrace it, even,” Alfie explained as he ran his fingers over the fuzzy spot on the back of Tommy’s head where hair would normally be.

Tommy chuckled now but made no further attempts at bedding him. “All right, Alfie. We can wait.”

“You’re very bold considering you’re still new at homosexual relations, sweetie,” he smirked again. “Eager to impress, are you?”

“I’d say you’re the eager one. Would you say you have more experience in those types of relations than I do, Alfie?” Tommy asked neutrally.

Alfie slowly stood up before he pulled Tommy up to his feet as well, both men teetering on the other for support. “I’d say more than you, Tom.”

“Is that so?” the other man asked, intrigued. “Who was the lucky man, eh?”

Alfie’s smirk faded, and turned into a sad smile but it was obvious he was trying his best to hide it. “I don’t kiss and tell, mate. Let’s go back inside, shall we?”

He lead him back inside the large house, and walked him into the drawing room where a lot of Alfie’s books were tucked inside bookshelves, dusty and untouched. He asked Rebekah to make up a plate of fruit for them, to which she nodded and took her leave.

Alfie put on some music and then looked at him. “You need some work on your dancing, Tom. I’ll lead, you follow.”

_I’ll lead, you follow._

It seemed to be a sentence based on their professional relationship as well as their personal one. Tommy reluctantly moved over to him and placed one hand in Alfie’s, and one on his waist. He let him lead the dance, stumbling a bit at first.

By the end of the song, Tommy had started to move with Alfie more fluently and then the fruit was served. When Rebekah set the fruit down on the nearby table, Tommy could swear she saw a smile on her face, but she took her leave quickly.

His suspicions rose suddenly. “You really trust her to keep… us… a secret?”

“Of course I do! She likes to see me happy, and she takes my happiness personally. I pay her well to keep secrets, mate, but I also don’t have to. She’s particularly good at keeping them anyway. I told ye already, don’t worry about her! Worry about your feet, Tom… you’re fucking falling all over the place.”

Tommy chuckled, relaxing again. They went through another song, this time Tommy had picked it up rather fast. Once they were done dancing, they started eating pieces of strawberries and peaches off the plate.

They ate in silence but stared almost lovingly at each other as they did so, both men taking turns of feeding the other one a piece of fruit. Tommy couldn’t help but laugh at their own awkwardness at feeding the other and before long, they had filled up on fruit.

“So when are you going to bring your little one here, then? He could play in the water and swim around… build sand castles.”

“Eh?” Tommy looked over at him. “He’s not, Alfie. He’s never coming here. It would… confuse him if he saw us together, doing things that I did with his mother. He’s already probably confused as it is. Why are you so interested in Charlie anyway?”

_What if Grace had come back to warn Tommy about Alfie? What if he was going to hurt him to get to Tommy?_

The idea seemed both incredulous and realistic at the same time. Tommy couldn’t help the thoughts that were running through his head now, and suddenly, he felt the urge to run. His own mind was sabotaging him, and he couldn’t stop it.

Alfie’s brows scrunched together as they did whenever he was confused about something, or surprised. He narrowed his eyes at Tommy and shook his head. “I was just fucking making conversation, Tom,” he said casually, shrugging. “He’s your son, and I’d just like to meet him one day, is all. What are you thinking in that messed up head of yours?”

Tommy wasn’t sure what his train of thought actually was anymore. He really did feel mixed up inside and he didn’t want to accuse Alfie of anything so early in their relationship, but their history with each other made it impossible not to believe that he had other intentions.

“I’m sorry, Alfie. I should leave now…”

Alfie was taken aback. “What? You only just got here a few hours ago. Come, we can just sit and have a few drinks, yeah? Where are you going to go?”

“Back home,” he said softly, realizing that he had only just arrived back here in Margate yesterday.

“Don’t be ridiculous, mate! Come and sit, let’s talk this out.” Alfie sat down near the window and pointed to a seat in front of him. “Sit, Tom, sit.”

Thomas Shelby hesitated, but he then did sit across from him before taking the glass that Alfie offered him. He swallowed a bit of gin down but was careful not to get carried away; he just wanted enough to relax.

“I know we have a complicated relationship, Tommy, and I’m to blame for that,” he admitted. “But in order for us to work, I think it’s fucking important that we learn to trust each other a bit more, don’t you?”

It was a rhetorical question, but Tommy found himself nodding anyway.

“Good, now let’s just get a few things straight here, yeah? I would never hurt your boy, Tom. Never. I don’t hurt kids, you see. At least none that can’t hold a gun properly yet. No matter what happens between us from here on out, I wouldn’t hurt him, and that’s my fuckin’ word, that is,” he tried to assure him.

The Shelby man searched his eyes, and only saw sincerity in them, no signs of trickery or deceit. He nodded, feeling like an idiot that he even thought that Alfie would hurt Charlie in the first place. Tommy took another drink of gin and tried to relax a little bit.

“That snow’s making you paranoid, mate,” Alfie said matter-of-factly. “I’ve told you before – I think you should lay off that shit, yeah? It’s messing with your mind.”

“I’m fine, Alfie,” Tommy assured him, shaking his head, and shrugging it off. “I’m not doing very much of it, not as much as Arthur is anyway. I apologize for accusing you of wanting to hurt my son, Alfie.”

“Oh, well, thank you, I suppose,” the other man smiled. “I’ll take that, yes… thank you, Tom. It’s all right, as I’ve said, but I still think you should ease up on the cocaine because that’s what it does, it makes you think that everyone’s against you, but that’s all I’ll say on the subject. All right, now… what would you like to do? Oh! Let’s get some dinner going, shall we?”

Alfie seemed to be making his decisions for him, so Tommy just shrugged. “Whatever you want to do.”

“Right, then. Rebekah! Would you please get some dinner going for Mr. Shelby and myself?” He heard a sound of acknowledgement come from somewhere else, and then heard footsteps going into the kitchen. He looked back at Tommy, his good eye looking at him almost bashfully now.

“Would you… like to… stay the night again, with me in my room, Tom?”

Tommy finished his gin and searched his scarred face. “I didn’t think you’d want to go that far with me yet.”

“Oh, I don’t, no… but the comfort of your presence would be enjoyable for me,” Alfie smirked now. He took a long sip of his whiskey.

Tommy felt a flutter in his stomach again and he smiled a bit. “Sure, I think it’d be enjoyable for me as well, Alfie.”

“Excellent, after dinner we’ll retire. Are you hungry, Tommy? I don’t think I’ve actually ever seen you eat anything! I’ve just seen you smoke those cigarettes of yours and drink. You Shelby boys can smoke and drink like no one I’ve ever seen before, I must admit.”

Tommy sighed contently, looking out the window. “Must be in our blood. Up until recently, I don’t recall seeing you drink or smoke anything either. What’s changed?”

Alfie crossed his legs and rested his hand on top of it before looking at Thomas seriously. “Well, you see, Tom, that had been for religious reasons, right. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things, such as how I would like to live my life and who I want to live my life with… and… it occurs to me that my religion frowns upon the type of men we are so… I just don’t think it’s going to work out well anymore.”

The other man had to admit he was surprised. The whole time he had known Alfie, he had been strongly set in his religious ways. “So you’re going to give up on it, then, just like that?”

“Well what the fuck else am I supposed to do with it? I mean, should I continue to rely on some of the scripture or just ignore it all completely? The Torah does have several meaningful elements to it that I like to think about, but… the whole… homosexuality is evil bit, is something I can really do without, to be perfectly fucking honest,” Alfie confessed, conflict in his voice.

“Tell me why you’re not a religious man, Tommy. I mean, nothing against you not being religious, of course, but I am interested on why a man such as yourself doesn’t believe in God.”

Tommy thought for a moment and he lit a cigarette before taking a drag from it. He exhaled away from him. “I don’t believe in God, Alfie, because nothing good has come from believing in him. My Aunt Pol believes he exists, but I don’t. I believe if a God did exist, he wouldn’t have let my friends die in war, or my family and I come back shell-shocked.”

“So you don’t believe that He might have done that to make any of you stronger? Strength in struggle?”

“We’ve been struggling our whole lives just to survive,” Tommy took another drag. “By that logic, we should be the strongest people alive right now.”

“Aren’t you, though? All your enemies are dead and gone. You’ve risen to the fucking top after being on the bottom for so long.”

“We’ve risen to the top because of ourselves,” Thomas Shelby reasoned coolly. “No God has helped us. We got there by taking what we had to, and killing our enemies and anyone else who stood in our way. There was no Higher Power that helped us do it; _we_ did it.”

“That’s an interesting way of thinking, Tom,” Alfie replied, impressed. “Maybe… you have something with that, right, maybe we all just helped ourselves… but, I suppose that will be the eternal question, won’t it, sweetie?”

Tommy nodded and smiled at Alfie’s pet name for him. He knew that he had called him that before Margate, but that hadn’t been out of love; that had been a jab. Hearing him say it now though on the beach, and now here, had a different effect on him.

It had a different meaning, and he felt like maybe he really could do this with Alfie, whatever ‘this’ actually was.


	5. bad feelings

**. . .**

It had started to rain as Tommy and Alfie lay in bed together, Alfie reading a book as Tommy vacantly sat upright smoking.

“You’re awfully quiet tonight, love,” Alfie remarked, not looking up from his book. “Something on your mind, Tom?”

The other man was quiet for a few more minutes as he inhaled and exhaled the smoke, his mind somewhere else as he debated the feeling he was feeling inside of himself. It felt foreign, like a feeling he hadn’t felt before.

_Guilt?_

“I feel I need to tell you something, Alfie,” he confessed softly, putting out the cigarette in the ashtray beside him.

Alfie closed the book and turned to look at Thomas, his face contorted in wonder and concern. “Well, all right, Tom… what is it, then?”

Tommy swallowed hard, unsure why he was feeling so nervous. It was only Alfie.

He gave a small cough. “I’m not entirely done doing business,” he admitted, looking over at him now. “I’m just doing one more job, just to… settle things out a bit before I commit myself to retirement.”

Alfie looked at him curiously but gave a nod. “Just one more job, Tom? Just one more fucking job? How many more are you going to do exactly before you deem yourself able to fucking retire? When is enough, enough, mate?”

Tommy could sense his uneasiness about this, as he predicted. They both knew what business entailed: a deal, money, negotiations, deals being broken, people being killed, houses being burned down, sometimes with people inside of them, livelihoods going down the fucking drain in an instant. Business meant nothing good for anyone, but especially when the other person went against the original deal.

This time it had, for Tommy. He had gone as long as he could not telling Alfie about it, but now it was coming to a head.

He resisted the urge to light another cigarette. “I think I’m in trouble, Alfie,” he nearly whispered before meeting the other man’s eyes.

“Trouble?” Alfie grumbled, searching the younger man’s face. “What kind of trouble, Tommy? What the hell have you gotten yourself into now?”

Tommy ran his hands through his hair. “This man wants me to give him all me money I’ve made from opium over the years, or else he says he’ll kill Lizzie, and Ruby, and Charles. He has… countless men, Alfie, and I’m too old to be doing this shit anymore. I can’t fight like I used to.”

The Jewish man scratched his chin and looked at Tommy with frustration in his eyes. “They’re goin’ to kill your family if you don’t give them your entire savings? Well fuckin’ hell, Tom, this is quite some mess you’ve gotten yourself into, haven’t ya? Get your men to just fuckin’ wipe them all out, yeah? Set their fucking place of business on fire if you gotta.”

Tommy sighed and shook his head. “Not this time, Alfie. There’s too fucking many of them and I can’t keep track of them half the time. None of my kin can. This has been going on since the beginning of the year. I thought I had it under control, but I fucking don’t. I need help.”

“I’ll say you need fucking help, mate. You’ve climbed into fucking bed with those bastards who you knew would fuck you properly and now you’re achin’ from the pain!”

Tommy’s face turned hard now. “They’re going to kill my fucking family, Alfie! They’re going to kill them! At the time, I needed a buyer to sell the rest of my drugs to and now that I have, they’re threatening to kill them if I don’t give them every fucking pound I’ve made from it!”

Alfie got out of bed now and put his underwear back on before he looked at Tommy, his own fury also unleashing. “Well what the fuck do you want me to do, Tom? Do you want me to get my boys in there to help you get rid of these pricks? Is that what you want? I told you, I’m fucking retired, mate! I’m sorry, I can’t help you.”

Tommy got out of the bed and started to put his clothes on before he turned on Alfie. “No, you can help me but you’re too much of a coward to actually do it. You can help but you just are choosing not to.”

Alfie grabbed Tommy by the shirt and then firmly threw him against the wall, pinning him there. “You’re calling me a coward? Is that it? _I’m_ not the one who put my fucking family in danger! You are!” He growled. “Fucking hell, you knew what you were getting yourself into when you made that deal. You know this business works!”

Tommy didn’t flinch as Alfie held him against the wall, yelling at him. He deserved this; he knew Alfie was right. Of course he knew.

“I-I know! I know, Alfie! I just… I needed to g-get rid of the drugs! I needed to… it was destroying everyone…” He crumbled against Alfie, feeling weak and scared. “I-I’m in too deep this time, Alfie. They’re going to come after me and my kin.”

Alfie’s temper seemed to falter now when he saw Tommy curl against him. He let go of his shirt and sighed. “Well, you didn’t get rid of all of that filth; you obviously have a stash somewhere still. C’mere, Tom,” he moved Tommy over to the bed before sitting him down. “We’ll come up with a plan, right? Yeah, we always do.”

Tommy nodded and he sniffled, feeling his hands tremble.

Alfie was quiet for a minute before he looked at Tommy. “Right, you have your wife and children head into the country, like your people do sometimes, and hide out there, yeah? When they’re safe, have someone come here, someone you trust, to tell you. Then I’ll send my men to find those fucking bastards and burn them to the ground. Problem solved, right?

Tommy thought about this plan and ran a hand over his face before he took a deep breath, nodding. “Y-Yeah, all right. I-I can get Aberama Gold to come here to tell me. I trust him.”

“Good. You stay here, and I’ll go tell my men what to do, then they’ll do it. I’ll tell them to make sure no one is kept alive, right? Don’t worry, Tom. This will be our final deal and then we’ll retire right proper.”

Thomas felt safe with him, better that they had a plan now, and Alfie wasn’t about to abandon him. He was going to help him. He nodded and leaned against Alfie, just needing to feel him, smell him, feel his large arms wrap around him securely.

They stayed like that for several minutes before Alfie helped him back into the bed, taking off Tommy’s clothes before his own and then turned out the light. He wrapped his arms around the smaller man and held him close.

“Now don’t you worry, love. We’ll fix everything up, good as new.”

**……….. … ………**

Tommy had stayed awake until about three in the morning as he thought about his predicament before he finally let himself go to sleep.

He gasped as he woke up, hearing loud noises coming from downstairs, and then swearing immediately afterwards. Running a hand over his face, he stood up and got mostly dressed before making he placed a call from the bedroom to the telephone at Lizzie’s place.

_One ring._

_Two rings_

_Three rings._

“Shelby residence,” her voice sang softly over the phone.

“Lizzie, it’s me. I want you to take the children and head into the country where Aberama and the Lees are, and stay there until I say it’s safe.”

She sighed on the other end. “Fucking hell, Tommy, what did you get us into now?”

“Just do what I fucking say, Lizzie. Take yourself and the children there, eh? Just… trust me, all right? I promise you all will be safe if you just do what I say.”

Another sigh. “Fine. When are we going to see you –ʺ

Tommy hung up and now he dialed a telephone he knew that Aberama frequently visited nowadays. He waited until four rings and then hung up and waited some more. Then, the telephone there rang, and he immediately picked up.

“Hello, Tommy Shelby. To what do I owe this pleasure?”

He coughed a little before he rubbed his eyes tiredly. “Listen to me, Gold. Trouble is coming my way, and Lizzie and the children are heading towards you. When they arrive, I need you to call me to tell me they’re safe, so I can put my plan with Solomons in motion.”

“Tommy, Tommy, Tommy… funny how trouble always comes your way, isn’t it? The gypsy curse is truly real, I fear. Nevertheless, I shall do you this favor,” Aberama declared right before hanging up.

He wasn’t at the top of his favorite people in the world, but he figured since he was also a gypsy and partial kin by marriage, that he could be trusted enough. Aberama had come through before for him, so he imagined this time it would be no different.

He hung up as well and made his way downstairs. It would take at least a couple hours for Lizzie and his children to arrive where Johnny Dogs’ family was, and she was smart enough to ask either Arthur or Polly or anyone else in Birmingham to take them there.

“What was all the swearing about earlier, eh?” Tommy asked as he hobbled down the stairs into the kitchen where Alfie was now enjoying a cup of coffee.

“Oh, it was nothin’, Tommy. I just… fuckin dropped a cast iron pan onto my foot, but I’m all right. I do apologize if I woke you up, though,” he looked up at Tommy with truly apologetic eyes.

Tommy grabbed some coffee for himself and sat down before lighting a cigarette. “It’s fine. Every time I close my eyes, I end up back in France, anyway. I just… hate the noise, Alfie. That’s all.”

“I know, love. I’m sorry,” he looked sheepish. “Remember, it’s just noise. Just… fuckin’ noise. Trumpets and tubas. Right, have you made your calls to your kin, then?”

Tommy took a drag and then exhaled, scratching his forehead. “Yes, Alfie, I’ve made the calls. I suspect I’ll hear from them in a couple hours. Have you made your calls?”

“Of course I made the fuckin’ calls,” he answered easily. “I told you I was going to make the calls, and I kept my fuckin’ word, didn’t I?”

“Calm down, Alfie,” Tommy chastised. “I was just making sure.”

The other man didn’t say anything as he sipped his coffee, looking over at Tommy. “How are you feeling about today?” He asked calmer, changing the subject.

Tommy took another drag and shook his head. “I have a bad feeling.”

“Of course you do. You’re a gypsy. Don’t worry about today, sweetie. It’ll be all right, I promise. I’m going to pop on over there after your boy comes along just to make sure it’s all goin’ peachy, but I’ll be right fuckin’ back as soon as I can.”

Tommy nodded, unfazed. “Sure, Alfie. All right.” He wasn’t sure what his bad feeling was about, but he felt confident that he was going to be okay. Maybe it was the plan itself that he was unsure about.

“Tommy… umm… I just want to say that these visits of yours… you comin’ over here and havin’ tea with me, and… our dancing and such. Well, I mean, they mean quite a bit to me, yeah? I’m quite fond of all of it, really, to be fuckin’ honest, and… I’m glad you’re doing all of it as well –ʺ Alfie rambled, obviously looking very uncomfortable.

Tommy smirked a bit now, feeling his cheeks turning pink. “I love you too, Alfie.”

“Oh,” Alfie seemed surprised at the admission, but he gave an approving nod. “Right, well… good, then.” He looked back down at his book and continued to read again.

Tommy really did mean it, too. It had been an unspoken thing with them ever since he had started to visit him more and more, and he truly felt something deep for the other man. Alfie had been his enemy, business partner, friend, and lover, in that order, and Tommy Shelby felt completed and whole, despite all the nightmares and all the depression he felt.

They were in the living room listening to a record and chatting casually when the phone rang.

“I imagine that would be for you, love,” Alfie commented, not looking up from his book.

Tommy stood up and quickly headed over to the phone before he picked it up and cleared his throat. “Aberama?”

“Aye, it’s me,” he answered. “I believe your entire kin is here, Tommy, safe and sound. Go ahead and do your business if the time is right.”

Tommy hung up and looked over at Alfie. “It’s time.”

“Right, then,” Alfie closed his book before he stood up and set it down on the chair. He put his business face on now and grabbed his coat, swinging it around his back to put it on before looking at Thomas. “I’ll be back soon, Tom.”

The younger man gave a nod and watched him leave. It would take Alfie two hours there, and then two hours back before he’d be home again if all went right. To keep his mind busy, he sat down on the beach by the water and let the waves soothe him for two of those hours. He took a bath, smoked a bit, listened to music, and had a cup of tea when he heard the front door open and close.

He glanced at the clock and saw it was still a bit early for Alfie, but maybe everything had gone just right. Tommy hurried to the door, but didn’t see anyone there. He turned on his heel now to go get his gun but just then, he felt a force push him hard to the floor.

Tommy looked around and then saw one of the men from the O’Malley clan that had threatened him, and he felt his heart sink. What had happened? Had they killed Alfie?

He raced towards the kitchen, which was closer than his gun, to find a weapon but then he felt a rope around his neck tighten, cutting his skin right before he felt himself be dragged upstairs. He kicked and scratched, clawing desperately at the rope as the man pulled him upstairs, feeling it tighten some more around his windpipe.

Then, he saw the man throw the rope around one of the beams in Tommy’s room and he started fighting harder, knowing what his fate would be.

“You really think I’d let ye get away with it, ya fuckin’ Shelby? That’s the problem with ye Shelbys, isn’t it? Too much fuckin’ money and not enough smarts.” He pulled Tommy upwards into the air, which in reality, wasn’t all that difficult.

Tommy was malnourished, to be honest. He lifted into the air like a balloon, gasping as the man tied a tight knot in the rope attached to the beam, making sure Tommy’s feet were well off the floor. “We warned ye, Tommy. You just wanted to keep all that money to yourself, didn’t ye? Well you’re in some real fuckin’ trouble now, ain’t ya?”

Tommy desperately clawed at his throat, trying to get the rope away from his neck so he could breathe but he could feel himself about to fall into unconsciousness. He fought it, though. He fought like he never had fought for his life before.

He thought of his children and how they would grow up fatherless.

He thought of his kid brother Finn, who would grow up alone and ostracized because of what he was, taunted, maybe even murdered.

He thought of Alfie, the man he loved. The man who loved _him._ The man who was willing to fight and die for him. The man who wanted nothing more than for Tommy to be happy.

His legs swung in the air and he gasped like a fish out of water, when he suddenly saw Alfie. Alfie looked up at him with terrified eyes, but he put his fingers to his lips right before he shot the other man in the back of the head, killing him instantly.

“A-Alfie!” He choked out.

He hurried over and got on the bed before he cut the rope down, causing Tommy to land on the floor in a heap, coughing and gasping for air.

“Tommy! You’re all right, Tom, just breathe, yeah? Just breathe, love. You’re all right now,” Alfie scooped the younger man up and helped him sit upright, but still held him close. “I’m sorry I was gone for so fuckin’ long. I’m sorry.”

Tommy wanted to tell him it was fine, but he could barely think straight as the oxygen rushed to his head, making him feel dizzy. He coughed some more, leaning against Alfie and gripping his shirt before he looked over at the O’Malley gang member who now lay face down in his own blood.

“Come on, mate. Say something, please. Lemme know you’re okay.”

Tommy took a gasping breath before he started to calm down. “T-Thank you, Alfie… thank you, f-for saving me.”

“Christ, Tom, you’re fuckin’ welcome… you really don’t need to be thankful for me savin’ you though, right? I mean, of course I’m going to fuckin’ save you after that fucking confession you made to me earlier. Lets get that fuckin rope off of you now, yeah?”

He freed Tommy’s neck now of the rope before throwing it away from them and then stood up, or at least tried to, but was caught by the death grip of Tommy’s fingers on his shirt.

“D-Don’t leave me, Alfie… please.”

“Now now, Tommy, it’s all right. I promise I’m just going into the bathroom to get some salve, yeah? We need to put some on your neck. I’ll be right fuckin’ back, love, promise… two shakes of a lamb’s tail.” He gently pried his fingers off of him and then hurried into the bathroom before he grabbed the antiseptic salve and came back quickly, kneeling in front of him now. “See? That was quick.”

Tommy nodded and tilted his head so Alfie could apply the salve where the rope had been strung around his neck. It burned like hell, but he was still as he let him gently apply it.

“I’m so fuckin’ sorry I wasn’t here for you, Tom. I promised you I’d be back quickly, but shit was fucking biblical. We lit the fires, and everyone burned good and proper, but then I had to deal with some other stuff and I’m just making fuckin’ excuses but I promise I tried to get back,” Alfie sighed.

“It’s fine, Alfie,” Tommy rasped softly, meaning it.

“No, Tom. It’s not fuckin’ fine, but I appreciate you saying so anyway. You won’t be havin’ any more problems with those fuckin’ people anymore, though. They’re done. How did they even know you were here, though? Did you tell anyone else you were stayin’ with me?”

Tommy hadn’t thought about that until now, and only one name crossed his mind: Aberama Gold.

He had told him to ring him at this number, and Gold knew who this house belonged to. He was the only one he had told. He felt sick.

He had another problem to fix, but this time, he knew he would have to deal with it on his own.


	6. home again

**. . .**

Thomas Shelby sat by the window, chain smoking as he thought about the events that had occurred yesterday; his throat was still sore, the skin still angry and raw, and Aberama Gold had fucked him over good and proper.

He had been a black cat hidden in the darkness that Tommy could not see.

The sun was rising in the sky just beyond the ocean, and it was the day when Tommy had to decide what to do with the man he had called kin for these past few years. He felt no love for the man, but it was the fact that Polly did that made him second guess killing him.

_No, he had to do this. He had to, lest Aberama betray him again in the future._

He had just lit another cigarette when he saw Alfie shuffling over to him and fell into the chair across from the other man. He watched him smoke in silence for a solid minute before he spoke.

“You didn’ come to bed,” the older man said matter-of-factly. “Were you out here all bloody night poisoning yourself with those?” He gave a nod to the lit cigarette.

Tommy was quiet, looking from Alfie back out to the ocean as the tides came in and out, seeming to mimic his lungs as he inhaled and exhaled; it was almost calming.

Speaking hurt too much to reply to Alfie’s comment. If he spoke rarely before, he spoke even less now. He knew the cigarettes probably weren’t doing his throat any favors, but they helped him to take the edge off.

He looked back at Alfie as he took another drag.

“Come on, Tom… talk to me, yeah? Tell me what’s going on in that gypsy mind of yours.”

Thomas sighed before he looked down at the floor in thought. Finally, he spoke. “I have to go take care of a problem, Alfie,” he rasped.

Alfie’s brows raised in disbelief. “A problem? I thought we took care of all the problems! What fuckin’ problem now?”

Tommy was growing irritated at the math that Alfie couldn’t seem to do about the situation. Maybe old age and retirement really were getting to him. He set his jaw. “Someone told them, Alfie. Someone… warned the O’Malleys about everything, about what you were going to do. Maybe not in time, but they were warned, and I know you fucking warned them.”

Alfie looked at him carefully, and the younger man saw him finally working things out. “You think Aberama Gold did you in, do you, Tom?”

“Yes,” Tommy gave a nod, taking another drag.

“Fucking hell…” Alfie ran his hand over his face. “So he fucking betrayed you. What’s your plan now?”

Tommy put out his cigarette, quiet for several moments, and then cleared his throat. “I’m going to fucking kill him, Alfie.” His voice was calm, as if he were stating the obvious.

“No… nah. You’re not goin’ to do that, Tommy… I’m sorry, but… you’re fuckin’ done with that business, do you hear me? You’re done! I’m not lettin’ you put yourself in any more danger. We’ve killed at least three-quarters of them in that building alone! They get the fuckin’ message, they’re done! They’re done and so are you!”

Tommy suddenly got up so fast that he knocked over his chair and looked down at Alfie. “He fucking betrayed me! I’m not done, Alfie. I’m not fucking done! I have to do this! Everyone who’s loyal to that bastard will get the message once Gold is gone! It needs to be fucking done, Alfie!"

He felt his throat burn from the pain of yelling, but he wasn’t going to take it easy until he knew that he was safe, and that Alfie was as well.

“Why do you feel the need to do this? When does it fuckin’ stop?!” Alfie stood up now and searched Tommy’s eyes. “When? When everyone is dead and it’s just us? What about your family? Would you stop once they’re dead as well?”

It was all the Shelby man could do to keep from knocking everything in the room over. Alfie was so blind, blind to what Tommy was trying to do for him, for _them._

“I’m doing this for them! I’m doing this for them and for you!” Tommy yelled now. “It’ll stop once Gold is dead! Fucking betrayers and black cats don’t get to fucking live!”

Alfie sighed, and there was something that looked like pity in his eyes now. He walked over to the fire and stared down in it before looking back at Thomas.

“I understand perfectly well about traitors and betrayers, Tom… I just…” He sighed and turned around to look back at him again. “I can’t. I can’t…. fuckin’ lose you. I almost lost you yesterday and I can’t fucking do that again!”

Alfie’s words would have more sentimental value to Tommy if he didn’t have so much shit going on in his head right now. He clenched his jaw and shook his head before he moved over to the older man.

“I have to do this. Once I kill him, that’ll be it.”

Alfie shook his head now. “No, Tom. It won’t be it because… you’ll always have people who need to be killed. You’ll always have black cats and fucking… _people_ that need to be dead. I can’t do it. I fucking love you, but I can’t keep doing this!”

“THEN LEAVE! FUCKING LEAVE ME, THEN, ALFIE! EH?”

Tommy immediately started coughing, and leaned against the wall.

“Come with me,” Alfie demanded suddenly. “Just… come with me and fucking leave all this behind. We’ll go somewhere else, somewhere we don’t need to deal with all this business.”

Tommy caught his breath again and shook his head, feeling oddly calmer now. “I c-can’t, Alfie. I can’t. I still have Lizzie, and the children, and Ada… Pol. I need to look after them all. I can’t go with you.”

Alfie ran his hands through his hair and moved over to Tommy before he placed his hands on the other man’s shoulders, giving them a gentle squeeze. Then he pulled him in close and embraced him, holding him tightly.

Tommy was taken back by the gesture, but he wrapped his arms around him as well. He didn’t want to think about what his family would say to this if they saw him, and he needed to make sure that they never did.

He was technically still with Lizzie legally, and he still cared and loved both his children more than himself. He needed to do this for all of them, even Lizzie.

Especially for Lizzie, so at least her and the kids could be a proper family, safe and sound.

Tommy didn’t love her like he thought he had before, but he did have love for her. He would still do everything in his power to make sure she wasn’t in danger. He was going to do this for all of them.

“I need to go back home,” he said softly against Alfie’s shoulder.

The other man gently caressed his back and nodded in understanding. “I know, Tom,” He reluctantly released him and placed his hands on either side of the Shelby man’s face, searching his eyes. “You be fucking careful, love. I mean it… I don’t want to have to save you again, do I?”

Tommy gave a nod before he suddenly pressed his lips against Alfie’s. He felt the other man kiss him back, his hands finding Tommy’s hips, and started to pull out his shirt from his trousers.

Thomas quickly went for his hands and stopped him before he shook his head, taking a step back. He cleared his throat. “Maybe when I come back.”

Alfie looked more anxious than Tommy had ever seen him. He looked nervous, and Alfie never looked nervous. He only had ever looked angry, or the calm before the storm. Anxious wasn’t in the Jewish man’s vocabulary.

He tucked his shirt back in and then grabbed his gun and checked it to make sure there were bullets in it before he placed it in the holster at his shoulder and ran a hand through his hair. He left hurriedly towards the train station to get a ticket to Birmingham.

Thomas Shelby was never good at long goodbyes, especially goodbyes that involved a man who loved him more than he could ever begin to comprehend in his lifetime.

  
**…………… … ……..**

He arrived in Birmingham around high tea time but he wasn’t in the mood for tea. He knew that Lizzie would insist on coming back with the children as soon as things were done, and his own kin had made sure that it had happened.

He was sure that Aberama wanted them to stay there with him, though. He didn’t know where the man was now, but he knew he needed to fucking find him.

Tommy decided to pop in at Finn’s place first, to make sure he was still all right, intact, and alive. He knocked on the door, but no answer.

He tried again, still nothing.

_Fuck._

_Had Aberama gotten Finn first? Was his plan to kill of each of his family members now one by one?_

“FINN!” he shouted up at the window. “Fuck!" He kicked the door in and ran upstairs, pulling his gun out and cocking it right before he barged into the bedroom, his gun aimed high.

“Fuck! Fucking hell!” a voice yelled.

Tommy saw a man nearly push Finn down to get away from him, his face looking fearful of the weapon raised at him. He took in the scene with wide eyes, breathing hard:

Both men were naked and struggling to pull up their underwear quickly, Finn having been facing the wall, his hair disheveled, and both men’s faces red.

“Tommy! What the hell?” Finn exclaimed, turning to face him in surprise.

He shook his head as he put his weapon back in the holster now, relieved to see Finn. “Didn’t you hear me knocking downstairs?”

“Yeah, of course I heard you,” Finn nodded.

Tommy held his arms open. “So why didn’t you answer it, Finn?”

He saw his youngest brother glance over at the other man uneasily before he looked back at Thomas. “I was sort of preoccupied,” he found his courage and then glanced over at his partner. “Sorry, can you just give us a minute? Please?”

The man gave an uneasy look at Tom before taking his leave to give them privacy. Tommy looked back over at his brother. “Is he the one you were telling me about?”

Finn gave a nod, starting to get dressed again and fixed his hair. He looked back at the other man. “What did you want?”

“I wanted to check in on you, make sure you were all right.”

Finn looked aghast. “Yeah, of course I’m all right! Why wouldn’t I be?”

Of course he would have no idea. Maybe he hadn’t even left with Lizzie and the children. “No one told you, about the O’Malleys?”

“I haven’t been around, Tom. I’ve been staying elsewhere for the past week. I’ve been… busy.” His eyes looking near the door before looking back at Thomas. “What happened?”

“Christ, Finn. I burned their place down because they threatened to kill all of you! I had to have Lizzie move the kids to the country, and then one of them nearly fucking killed me yesterday. Aberama Gold fucking told them where I was, Finn. I need to go find him and take care of him before he tries to kill the rest of you.”

“I haven’t seen him, Tom. I don’t know where he is.”

Tommy sighed and gave a nod before he started towards the door but then stopped and looked at Finn, bringing his voice lower. “Do you love him?”

“Who?”

“Your… friend, out there.”

“Oh,” Finn looked thoughtful for several moments before he shrugged and shook his head. “I don’t know, a little bit, I guess… yeah.”

If this were any other time, Tommy would congratulate him for finding someone who treated him right, but he was in a hurry. Instead, he gave a nod of approval and then hurried out of Finn’s house, now heading towards the one he shared with Lizzie and the kids while they were in Birmingham.

He entered and saw Ruby running excitedly towards him. “Daddy!”

Tommy couldn’t help but immediately scoop her up in his arms and hold her. “Hello there, sweetheart. Where’s mommy and your brother, eh?”

“Mommy’s in the kitchen with Charles,” she put her little arms around Tommy and squeezed. He held her as he made his way into the kitchen, opening the door and seeing Charles sitting in a chair playing with blocks while Lizzie was at the stove making tea.

Hearing the door open made her turn around and their eyes met. They hadn’t properly spoken for months, since Tommy had exiled himself to Margate without a proper explanation, just lies.

“Tommy,” she searched his face worriedly. “What’s going on?”

He set Ruby down in a chair and looked back at Lizzie. “Do you know where Aberama is, Lizzie?” He asked calmly, knowing none of this had been her fault. “I need to see him.”

She shook her head. “No, I don’t know. Why? What’s going on?”

He felt like the two of them were strangers standing in the kitchen together. They had a long history of fucking and fighting and loving each other, but all of that had seemed to vanish. 

“He told one of the O’Malleys that I had business with where I was, and they tried to kill me.” He moved away the collar of his coat that had been hiding the rope burns from his hanging and saw shock and dismay in her eyes.

She reached up to examine it and swallowed hard. “Oh my god, Tommy. So now what?”

“I need to find Aberama Gold, Lizzie. I need to find him and kill him.” He glanced over and saw Ruby playing with the blocks that Charles had been playing with, neither child looking very surprised at Tommy’s declaration.

“Stay with us, Tom. Just stay. He’s not around here… you can look for him tomorrow.”

Tommy sighed heavily and shook his head. “I need to end this. I need to end it today before he does anything else to any of us.”

“It would take him nearly a day to get here anyway, Tommy… if he’s not here right now, he won’t be here until tomorrow. Just figure out a plan and stay here with us for tonight.”

He realized that she had a point. If no one else had seen him by now, they wouldn’t see him until tomorrow, if he were, in fact, on his way here, which was an almost certainty. Now that Tommy knew that Gold was against the Shelbys, he knew judgement was about to come, one way or another.

“All right.”

He made himself comfortable and spent time with his children, even playing their little games. They seemed to enjoy having their father around, although Thomas could tell that Charlie was a bit unhappy about not having seen his father around all this time. It was something that Thomas could understand all too well, so he forgave him for that.

He gave Ruby horsey rides around the kitchen and living room before he tucked them into bed for the night some hours later. He made sure to kiss both of them goodnight and closed their door before he walked down the hall to his own room that had been empty for several months now.

He took off his shirt and got comfortable before he sat on the bed where Lizzie sat up. She put her book down.

“Where have you been, Tommy?” She asked softly.

Spending the day with his family had torn him in half. He had found love that he thought had disappeared completely. He knew Lizzie, knew how different her mind was in comparison to the rest of his family; because of this, he found no reason to lie to her anymore.

“Margate,” he admitted.

“What’s in Margate?”

Thomas Shelby was quiet for several moments before he looked down at his hands. “Alfie.”

“Alfie Solomons?” Lizzie questioned. “I don’t understand, Tom. Why are you in Margate with him?” Her voice was calm, but confused.

“I… I love him, Lizzie. I know it’s crazy, and I’m just surprised as you probably are, but… I can’t help it. I’ve been a mess these past months and… he’s been there for me. He helped me burn down the Irish’s house yesterday. It was his men.”

Lizzie was quiet for a long time and then he felt her snake her arms around him, caressing his bare chest. “Oh. I see.”

“Have you been seeing someone else as well?” He asked her curiously, perhaps wondering why she would be okay with what he had just confessed.

“No,” she said instantly. “I haven’t. I’ve been taking care of our children, and I just… miss you. You love him, though, so… if you want me to, I’ll sign papers for divorce.”

He swallowed hard and then shook his head, thinking about something. “No, Lizzie. I… I still love you too.”

She climbed off the bed now and walked around so she was now standing in front of him and knelt down, grabbing his hands. “How is that possible, Tom? How can you love both of us?”

“I don’t know, but I do. I feel such… strong things for both of you, and I love my children. I have a proposition though if you’re willing to listen.”

She gently caressed his hands. “I’m listening, Tom.”

“I’d like us to still be legally married, on paper. You still let me visit you and the children, I’ll continue to keep you under my protection, and you are free to be with whoever you want. If you… find someone else you’d like to marry, we’ll legally divorce, and you can be with him, but I still want to visit my children,” Tommy explained, matter-of-factly.

She gave him a small, sad smile and nodded as a single tear ran down her face. “All right, Tom. I agree. Can I ask a question?”

“Of course.”

She searched his eyes. “Do you want to be legally married to me still right now in case anyone finds out about you and Solomons?”

Thomas nodded. “Yes, Lizzie. That’s exactly why.”

She gave a nod of her own head in understanding now. He took her face in his hands and gently kissed her lips before releasing her. She stood up and wiped her tears, both of them feeling like this was a bittersweet agreement for them.

He pulled back the covers and got them and watched as she did the same. Tommy shut off the light and turned onto his side before wrapping an arm around Lizzie’s body protectively.

He felt conflicted; he still loved her, but not in the same way as he did Alfie. He would still die to protect both her and the children, but he also didn’t want her to be tied down to him only when he would constantly be in Margate anyway after this ordeal with Aberama was over with.

He wanted her to be happy, even if it meant it wouldn’t be with him.

Tommy felt her melt against him and found that he was able to fall asleep fairly quickly, thinking about the day he had spent with his family, and how wonderful it had felt, but also how much he was missing Alfie and wondered if Alfie was thinking about him too.


	7. ahava

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't speak Jewish, or Romani, but I've done a lot of research for both languages but forgive me if I've butchered either one. I tried my best not to be disrespectful. That said, I really love both these languages and I believe they're both really beautiful. Anyway, I think this is probably my favorite chapter tbh haha.

**. . .**

“You just got here, daddy,” Ruby whined softly. “Why do you have to go?”

Tommy gently caressed her cheeks with his hands and held her face gently. “Daddy has to go so he can keep you and your brother, and your mother safe, just like always. I’ll be back before you know it, Ruby.”

She reluctantly nodded and then leaned in before wrapping her small arms around Tommy’s neck. “I love you, daddy.”

“I love you too, sweetheart,” he hugged her and then helped her stand back up again before he motioned for his son to come closer. He stood there, a cold look in his eyes but moved closer to his father. “Listen to me, Charlie… you look after your mother and sister while I’m gone, you understand? You’re the man while I’m away.”

“But you’re always away,” it was his turn to whine.

Thomas sighed heavily and ran his hand over his hair before glancing up at Lizzie who walked over and knelt down beside him, tugging gently on her son’s sleeve to get his attention.

“Daddy has an important job, a job that you’ll understand one day. You don’t need to understand it right now though, so come on, love. Let’s let him go, yeah?”

Charlie looked back at Tommy and turned away from him as he took Lizzie’s hand instead and let her lead both of the children away.

Thomas Shelby watched them go towards the kitchen and stood back up before he put on his jacket and started to walk towards Charlie’s yard. Maybe Aberama was there harassing his uncle; he hoped it wouldn’t anything worse than harassment.

He wouldn’t put it past him to start killing his family members after he had tried to get Tommy himself killed.

When he arrived there, he didn’t see him, though. He didn’t see anyone. Where the fuck was everyone?

Tommy walked around buildings and finally decided to head into the country. If Aberama wasn’t around, then he’d go looking for him himself and finish their business. He needed to protect his family and kin and protect them he would, by any means necessary.

He hurried to his car and just as he got inside, he heard the hammer cocking back on a pistol.

“Hello, Thomas Shelby,” a familiar voice greeted him. “Was it me you were lookin’ for?”

Thomas exhaled and nodded. “Yeah, I was.”

“Well, unfortunately for you, you’ve found me, haven’t you? Get out of the car slowly now. We’re going to do this in front of your house so your kin can see the moment you die. Now get out.”

Tommy slowly got out of the car and as soon as both men were out, he felt Aberama feel the sides of him for weapons. He found his shoulder pistol, and tossed it away from them before taking off his hat and also throwing it to the side of the road.

He then led Tommy back to the front of the houses where Finn, Lizzie, Aunt Pol, and the rest of his family were.

_So this was how he was going to fucking die. Why was he not surprised?_

Black cats don’t always just make an appearance on All Hallows Eve.

“Tommy?” a voice called out now just as Aberama pointed a gun at the back of his head. “Tommy!”

Tommy glanced over and saw Finn come out with his boyfriend, both of them starting to pull out their guns. His heart leapt in his throat. “Don’t do a thing, Finn! Don’t do a fucking thing!”

“That’s right, Finn,” Aberama agreed, smirking. “If I even see either of you men start to take aim at me, you’ll be seeing his brains splatter over this lovely ground! You’ll be seeing it anyway, but I figured you’d at least wish to say your goodbyes first.”

“I should’ve known not to trust you, Gold,” Thomas spoke softly. He knew he should be praying instead, praying to whatever gods that might exist, but he thought maybe he could prolong his death at the very least.

“Yes, Tommy, you should’ve known better,” Aberama suddenly saw Finn about to run towards Ada’s house. He suddenly fired the pistol near Tommy, causing Finn to stop in his tracks and look at them. “What did I fucking say, Finn Shelby?!”

“Leave him alone. Just let him go,” Tommy pleaded weakly.

“I can’t do that,” Aberama said simply. “After I kill you, I’m going to kill your whole family.”

Tommy felt fucking helpless. He didn’t want Finn to get hurt. He didn’t want any of them to get hurt, but when no one could go for help, Aberama was going to win, and odds were that he had several of his men around hidden nearby.

Then suddenly, there was another shot that rung out in the street, echoing off the flats. Thomas froze, thinking that he had just been shot and this was it.

This would be the last few moments of his life.

He felt the front of his body for any sign of a bullet hole, trying to determine if he felt the sharp pain of being shot. Then he heard a loud _thud_ come from behind him and turned around.

Aberama was on the ground, a bullet having gone through his head, but missing Tommy by some miracle. He looked around with wide eyes, wondering if that shot had actually meant to kill both of them.

Then he saw him.

He let out a breath of relief now, watching as none other than Alfie Solomons come out from between two flats down the road and started to walk towards him.

Finn started to walk towards Tommy as well but stopped as Alfie got to him first. The younger Shelby man looked at him with wide eyes, waiting to see what he was going to do.

Alfie put his pistol away now and looked at Tommy’s younger brother. “What are you fucking gawkin’ at, boy? I just saved your brother, the least you could say is fucking’thank you, Mr. Solomons.’”

Finn still looked in shock at the whole situation, first, giving Thomas a once over to make sure that no bullets hit him, and then looked at Alfie with hesitation. “Fucking t-thank you, Mr. Solomons.”

Alfie sniffed. “That’s better,” he turned to Tommy now and it was now when he saw the worry in the older man’s eyes. “You all right, Tom?”

Tommy nodded now and looked at Finn who still looked like he had been the one who had been shot instead of Gold. He placed a hand on Alfie’s shoulder before he turned to face his younger brother. “Everything’s all right now, Finn. Go tell Ada, yeah?”

Having received orders somehow snapped Finn out of whatever trance he had been in and nodded. “Right, yeah. Okay.” He grabbed his friend, or boyfriend, or whatever he called him, and headed towards their sister’s house.

Tommy turned back to Alfie and clapped a hand on his chest, sighing in relief. “Thank you. Thank you, Alfie. What the hell are you doing here?”

“It seems like it was a good fucking thing I was here in the first place! If not for me, you would be dead on the fuckin’ ground with a hole through your own head, Tommy! What the hell were you thinking?”

“I was thinking I was trying to protect my family from him, Alfie.”

Alfie huffed. “A lot of good that was, right? You better be on fucking retirement right now because I can’t stand the thought of losing you, Tom. You don’t even thing, do you? You just go in, guns blazing, hoping for the fucking best!”

Tommy chuckled weakly and looked up at him. “Are you scolding me right now, Alfie?”

“Of course I’m fuckin’ scolding you! You’re acting like a child playing guns and axes with bigger boys that have bigger toys than you!”

Tommy shook his head now and bent over to pick up his weapon, including his hat and put it back on his head. He looked back at Alfie with calm eyes. “I said thank you already, and I meant it.”

“Fine,” Alfie sighed heavily. “Are you done fucking about now here? Can we please go back home again?”

Tommy wasn’t eager to see Ada’s reaction after Finn told her what happened, so he nodded. “Yes, let’s go back to Margate now, Alfie.” The two of them started back towards the train station to ride home together.

  
**………. .. …………………**

Neither man really spoke until they had stopped back on Alfie’s beach front property, and it was Alfie who spoke.

“I knew it was a bad idea for you to go back home…” he grumbled in irritation.

Tommy was getting tired of hearing him complain about it, and sick of trying to rationalize it, but most of all, he was tired of repeating himself. He couldn’t understand why Alfie was having such a hard time grasping the concept of this.

He hung up his jacket and turned to look at the larger man, really, Alfie had a good few inches on him. “Isn’t there anyone in this world that you want to protect, Alfie?” He asked curiously, feeling too exhausted to get properly angry.

“Of course there is.”

“Okay, well… wouldn’t you go back to wherever to do it, if you had to?”

Alfie scratched his beard and nodded once. “Yeah, sure I would, but… I already just did that, right. You’re the only person in this world that I want to protect, Tom. I don’t have any mother, father, sister, brother, fucking whatever anymore. You’re that fucking person that I’d do anything to protect, and I just fucking did that, didn’t I?”

Tommy sighed and looked at him, narrowing his eyes. “So why are you giving me a difficult time about me doing what had to be done? Why is it okay for _you_ to do it, but not for me? Eh? Why can’t I protect _my_ family, Alfie?”

“Because _you_ are my fucking family, Tommy! You’re my family, but you still don’t see me as yours!”

Tommy looked at Alfie as if he had grown ten extra heads in a matter of seconds. “Why? Because I haven’t protected you like you did me earlier? Is that it? Eh? You haven’t _needed_ me to fucking protect you! When you do, though, then I fully fucking expect to protect you! You’re my family, Alfie. You are… but they are too, and they needed me, a-and I couldn’t even fucking do anything.”

Alfie seemed to lose his fight now. He shook his head, a different kind of confusion settling in behind his eyes. “I don’t know where the hell you were earlier, but I was standing there watching a brother protect his youngest brother from a Gypsy psychopath. You protected your family, Tom, you fuckin’ did, and that’s the end I’ll have of that.”

Tommy shook his head, but he smirked a little. It was nice at least that Alfie saw things differently from himself; sometimes he needed that.

“Come here,” Tom ordered gently as he held his arms open. Alfie swooped in and wrapped his own arms around the slender man, kissing Tommy’s temple as they held each other, grateful for the other one. “Thank you again, Alfie, for being there when I needed you.”

“Well I ain’t going to fuckin’ just let the man I love die, am I?” He asked rhetorically. Alfie slowly moved away but held Tommy’s face in his hands. 

“Say it once more, Alfie,” Tommy pleaded.

Alfie smirked. “Which part?”

“You know which part… the man you…?” Thomas Shelby smirked back playfully.

“Right. The man I love, that’s you by the way, in case you missed it.” Alfie took off his jacket and threw it on a nearby chair by the fireplace. He watched the other man grin now and smiled to himself just as Rachel came in. Alfie asked if she could bring them both some tea as well as some gin.

She nodded and disappeared out before returning about ten minutes later with steaming cups of tea on a tray along with a bottle of gin and two small glasses. Alfie’s housekeeper took her leave then, giving them both some privacy.

He looked at Tommy who looked thoughtful as he still grinned brightly. Alfie had never seen the Shelby man smile so big before; it just about melted his cold heart.

“What the fuck are you smilin’ about, then?”

“Inima ta este a mea,” he said softly, pronouncing the syllables one at a time, Tommy answered now, looking up at Alfie as he sipped the tea.

Alfie’s brows knitted. “What the fuck does that mean?”

“It means… your heart is mine.” he pronounced it regularly now. “It’s a Roma term of affection,” Tommy explained.

Alfie relaxed again and showed a flicker of emotion that Tommy interpreted as flattery. “Oh, is that right? Well… good, then. I’m glad that there are words in your Gyp alphabet for love, at least… with all the killing you’ve done over the years, right.”

Thomas sipped his own tea before he sat down. “There are many words for love and endearment in my… Gyp language, as you so elegantly put it. What’s the Hebrew word for love?”

Alfie smirked and absentmindedly caressed his beard before he sat down across from Tommy. “Ahava,” he answered softly. “It’s a really interesting word, though, Tom. It doesn’t just mean love, like you and I know love.”

Tommy chuckled softly, knowing that Alfie wanted Tom to ask more questions so he could play the intelligent man for him. He sipped more tea. “All right, lubirea mea, tell me what it means then.”

Alfie took his time, sipping his tea at least two more times before he spread his legs out in front of him and gently let his bare feet touch Tommy’s own feet.

“Only if you tell me what you just called me was,” he shrugged. “I honestly have no fucking idea where to begin with that fucking term of endearment.”

Tommy sighed and smiled. “I just… called you, my love. That’s all it was, Alfie. Your turn.”

“Ah-ha-vah,” Alfie began to explain, annunciating each syllable, “Ahava means… to have affection, sexually, or otherwise, love, like to befriend, or to be intimate. The root of the word is ahav, which… in Hebrew, means, to give. To give love. True ahava is more about giving than receiving. Love focuses mostly on receiving, but ahava is all about giving.”

Tommy took this information in and nodded. He felt it was similar to how most people defined love, but then again, a lot of other people also thought that love really was more about receiving something out of it than it was to give something.

“I like it,” Thomas smiled lovingly at him. “Do you think we have… ah-hav-ah?” He asked, attempting to pronounce the word correctly and knowing he just butchered it instead.

“Ah-ha-vah,” Alfie corrected slowly, patiently. He was just pleased that Thomas Shelby was actually making an attempt to learn his language in any way, shape, or form. It almost moved Alfie Solomons. “I think we still have some work to do to get there, right, but I think we’re well on our fucking way.”

Tommy sipped his tea to hide his smile and the two men sat across from each other for about an hour, finishing their tea before they moved onto the harder liquids. Tommy only got up to pour the two of them a quarter of gin each before he sat back down and let his foot rest against Alfie’s before the two of them raised their glasses.

“L’chaim,” Alfie toasted, clinking his glass against Tommy’s, almost testing to see if the other man was going to be sick of his Jewish words, like everyone else Solomons had worked with before had been. If Alfie spoke too much of it, he usually ended up with a gun pointed to his head or chest.

It didn’t seem to upset Tommy anyway. He let his glass clink against the other man’s. “Sláinte,” he toasted back in his own language.

The two men smiled at each other before they both took a drink. Their languages were different, but neither man claimed to be more right than the other when it came to the origins of the meanings. They were matter-of-fact about the words instead of trying to outdo the other.

They were both equally proud of their roots and where they came from, and even though Alfie called his language incorrect slang terms, Tommy knew that it wasn’t personal, or at least he didn’t consider it personal against him.

They drank until they had nearly finished the bottle together, which took most of the rest of the day, into the evening. Tommy smoked several cigarettes and by the time it grew dark, both men had both drowned in drink.

“We shouldn’t have started drinkin’ so fuckin’ early, Tom… it’s almos’ time for bed and we need to get up those fuckin’ stairs, right. How are we goin’ to fucking do that, Tommy?” Alfie slurred after finishing his last glass.

Tommy chuckled drunkenly. “Stop drinking for one,” he reasoned. “We can do it, Alfie,” he slurred back at him. “We’ll get up the stairs together, eh?”

Alfie groaned but cleared his throat and gave a nod. “Right.”

The two men climbed the stairs with great difficulty, both of them hanging onto each other as well as the stair railing simultaneously. The stairs seemed to move under their feet though, causing them to fall down more than a few times before collapsing into uncontrollable, drunken laughter together, holding onto each other.

They finally made it up the stairs twenty minutes later and staggered to Alfie’s room before closing the bedroom door behind them. They took turns helping the other man out of each other’s clothes, but kept their underwear on.

Suddenly, Alfie was met with Tommy’s wet gin soaked tobacco-laced kiss, tasting him in his mouth. He put his hands gently on either side of the Shelby man’s sharp jawed face and kissed him back tenderly. They ran their hands down the other’s body, caressing every piece of skin and scar they could until eventually, they were both out of their underwear and against each other, kissing in a passionate, desperate frenzy.

Alfie gently moved Tommy towards the bed so they could at least lay down somewhere they weren’t going to fall. Once to the bed, both men disappeared under the sheets as Alfie flipped Tom over onto his stomach and kissed from his shaved head and then down his spine.

The rest seemed more like waves crashing than bodies. Even drunk, they seemed to still be able to move with each other, ebb, and flow. They moved together so naturally, and after they lay on their backs together, out of breath, sweat beading on both of them, they were able to close their eyes and have one of the most peaceful slumbers of both their lives.


	8. an anchor in the ocean

**. . .**

Tommy woke up to a cold bed the next morning, but when he woke up, he found himself almost dreading getting up and dressed; the weather was turning, and it was slowly turning into Fall. There was a chill in the bedroom that wasn’t there before, and it made Thomas Shelby a bit nervous.

It was autumn time where things always seemed to go bad for him. His depression got worse, the flashbacks got worse, the nightmares worsened, and the panic attacks also were pretty bad. Alfie hadn’t properly seen any of this, however. During their time together, Tommy usually had made sure that he was at his own house so no one else could see him during this time.

This would be more difficult for him, though. Now that he was basically living at Alfie’s house in Margate, it would be the first time that the Jewish gangster would see him at his most vulnerable, and this put unadulterated fear in him.

He lay in bed for almost an hour before he forced himself out bed and put his underwear on and wrapped a blanket around his bare back. He held it as he started downstairs and headed into the kitchen where he saw Alfie drinking coffee and reading the newspaper.

Tommy sniffed and then sat down, grabbing his cigarettes off the table and lighting one before taking a drag, still hugging the blanket close to his body.

There was a moment of silence before Alfie seemed to notice Tommy was in front of him and gave a grunt of disapproval. “You really shouldn’t smoke before breakfast, love, right. It’s not good for your body. You should have something to eat, or at least have some coffee first before you fill yourself with poisons.”

Tommy took another drag before he put out his cigarette but didn’t move to make himself anything. “I’m not hungry, Alfie.”

“All right, well, you’re going to have some coffee,” Alfie declared before pouring a cup for Tommy and set it down in front of him before he sat down again.

Tommy took a sip of the coffee before he looked across the table at him, noticing a change of demeanor. He sighed, despising conflict with this man. It mentally exhausted him.

“Fucking what?”

Alfie raised his brows in confusion. “Sorry, fucking what, what? I’m not sure what you’re askin’ me right now, Thomas.”

Tommy rubbed his eyes and leaned back in the chair. “I’m asking you, Alfie, what’s your fucking problem. I can always tell when you’re upset with me.”

Alfie gave Tommy a hard look at first, before he sighed heavily and threw his hands in the air. “You tell me, Tom. I thought you were fuckin’ retired, right. You’re just tryin’ to play with the big boys when you’re just an old man now. You’re too old to be startin’ feuds with younger men than yourself, Tommy. You came to retire, so just fuckin’ retire already.”

Tommy stared at him, dead-eyed. Maybe Alfie was right. “It was just unfinished business from before that is finished now, Alfie. I’m done.”

“Fuckin’ right you’re done,” Alfie shook his head in disbelief. “I know the real reason why you got involved with those Irish gentlemen, though. Do you want to know why I know?”

“No, Alfie,” Tommy answered simply, drinking more of the coffee before he lit another cigarette now.

_It was too early for this or any other conversation._

“I know because I know you, Tom. I know what makes you tick, your desires, your weakness… but you got involved with those blokes because you’re fuckin’ suicidal, you are, Thomas. You knew it was bad business, but you got involved anyway because you want to die.”

Tommy blinked slowly, exhaling the cigarette smoke away from him before taking another drag. He scratched at his brow before coughing.

“So what, Alfie? What’s your point, eh?”

“Oh, I don’t know, Tom,” Alfie huffed now. “I just thought that maybe you’d want to fuckin’ stick around for me, now that we’re together, right. I thought maybe… you loved me enough to want to keep going on with it.”

Tommy exhaled again and closed his eyes, suddenly feeling a guilt inside that he hadn’t felt since he was with Grace. He’d have these feelings in the Fall around her as well, but she was much more patient with him, even if she didn’t completely understand it. She let him lay in bed all day, and skip breakfast and lunch as long as he ate dinner.

He swallowed hard, looking at the cigarette that rested between his fingers distractedly. He fell quiet, unsure what to say to Alfie. The other man let him keep his silence for several minutes before he cleared his throat casually.

“Talk to me, Tommy,” his voice was softer now, less demanding. “Tell me that livin’ with me isn’t so fuckin’ bad that you’d rather get yourself killed by a low-level Irish gangster.”

_I want to die, but not by anyone else’s hand but my own._

Words he couldn’t say to Alfie. That would probably break his heart to hear. Not that Tommy cared much in the way of how others felt but didn’t want to scare Alfie away after he had gotten so far to be here with him and enjoy his company.

He looked back up at Alfie, not realizing he had been staring into nothingness, quiet for so long. He needed to say something. When he looked back up at the other man, he saw concern touching his eyes.

“Tommy,” Alfie said a bit more firmly now. “Hey, can you hear me in there?”

He exhaled again and realized ash was falling onto the table. He quickly moved his cigarette over the ashtray before patting away the knocked off ash from the table. “I hear you, Alfie. Do you want me to be honest with you, or do you want me to lie?”

Alfie deflated a little bit, but he ran his hands through his hair before he leaned back in his chair and looked at the younger man. “A bit of honesty might do us good, don’t you think?”

“I was suicidal before, before… all this,” he motioned to the space between them, and then made a motion in reference to the house. “And… I still am sometimes, but… it’s not as bad.” Tommy felt like he was doing confession like he had when he was younger, but he knew Alfie was the last person that could grant him absolution.

Alfie seemed to take this in. “Right, so… what can I do, to help you get through it? What did your family do when you… got this way?”

Tommy shook his head before he took another drag and put out his cigarette. “Nothing, really. There was nothing they could do. They just… let me go about my life.”

“They actually let you near fuckin’ weapons still?”

“Yes,” Tommy nodded and searched the other man’s fearful face. “I’m not going to hang myself, Alfie. You don’t need to worry about me. I can think about it, but not actually do it.”

Alfie caressed his beard in thought and chewed on his bottom lip. He wasn’t sure how to approach this situation now. He looked more worried than Thomas Shelby had ever seen him before in their whole business relationship together.

“You might not want to live, but… do you want to die, Tom?” Alfie asked him now, staring at the other man intently.

Tommy cleared his throat as he thought about how to answer this. He didn’t care if he survived gang wars anymore, but he also still wanted to be around to see his children grow up. He pulled the blanket closer to his thin body.

“I don’t…” he stopped momentarily, wanting to word this correctly. “I don’t want to lose you from my life, Alfie. I want you around, and… I want us to keep doing what we’re doing because… because I fucking love you. So no, I don’t want to die.”

Alfie took in this information now and gave an understanding nod, even a partial smile, and reached out to Tommy, his palm facing upwards in invitation to hold the other man’s hand. Tommy slipped his hand out from the blanket and placed it in Alfie’s. His hand seemed small compared to Alfie’s, but they still fit perfectly together.

Something inside this casual touch made the Shelby man weaken, knock down his defenses. He wondered if this was how he had made Grace feel at one time. He looked at the other man and gently caressed Alfie’s hand lovingly.

He sniffed before he cleared this throat once more, feeling vulnerable. “I get like this, around… around this time of year,” he admitted softly.

Alfie gave a nod of acknowledgement, his face looking sad. “Strange, that is… well, I’ll do the best I can, to keep you alive, won’t I? I can’t have you dyin’ here or else I’ll really be in trouble.”

“That’s not the only thing you care about, is it?” Tommy still caressed his hand.

Alfie have a half smile, shaking his head. “Of course it isn’t. You know fuckin’ well that I care about you so stop pretendin’ otherwise, yeah?” When Tommy smirked but didn’t say anything else, Alfie spoke again. “I don’t suppose going back home will make you feel any better?”

Tommy looked across the table at him and shook his head. “Sometimes I feel like most of them are the reason I’m this way in the first place. Every time I’m there, I want to be here.”

“Right,” Alfie scratched his beard. “I saw your kid brother by the way during our shootout. Finn, is it? A young one isn’t he? I’m surprised he feels the same way about us, right, like our relationship with each other at a young age as he is. What were you like at his age, Tom? Did you feel… things towards men at that age?”

Tommy fought the urge to light another cigarette, opting for another swallow of coffee instead. He could tell that Alfie wasn’t purposely trying to sound like a smart arse or anything; he was genuinely curious.

“I was chasing girls at that age, getting ready for war,” Thomas explained, feeling better as he drank more coffee, starting to wake up more. “I had a steady girlfriend and I thought I was in love with her, but when I came back from the war, I didn’t feel anything for anyone anymore. She was unhappy, so she left.”

“Mm,” Alfie gave a thoughtful grunt of acknowledgement, and then a nod. “That’s interesting, that is. Right, I think that I’ve always been interested in other men, as long as I can remember. I had to hide it though, didn’t I?”

Tommy gave a nod of understanding and finished the rest of his coffee in a comfortable silence before he shrugged off the rest of the blanket, the coffee having warmed his bones up. “I’m scared for him, Alfie.”

Alfie’s brows furrowed. “Who, your kid brother?”

He gave a nod. “He’s been doing well enough keeping it a secret from the rest of the family, but… if Arthur ever found out about him, I get worried, panicked…”

“Well, that man is a wild animal if ever there was one, I suspect,” Alfie hummed. “I don’t blame you for being a bit panicked about him finding out about poor little Finn, love. I wouldn’t worry too much, though. If he’s been able to keep it a secret for this long, it seems to me like Finn is a fighter, much like yourself. He’ll be all right, Tom.”

His words helped to put Tommy’s mind at ease. Maybe he was right about Finn. Finn was young and made mistakes, but his paranoia is what kept him alive and able to keep his secrets from the rest of the family, with the exception of Ada, who was just fine with what her brothers were.

“I’m sick of talking, Alfie,” Tommy replied casually. “Come upstairs with me while I get dressed. We can walk on the beach.”

He searched his boyfriend’s eyes and nodded. “Right. Well, you’re going to have to fuckin’ carry me back down the stairs, mate, because my back and my knees aren’t what they used to be. I’m old now, Tommy.”

Thomas gave a chuckle as he stood up and started to lead him up the stairs. “Aren’t we all?”

They headed upstairs and got changed into proper clothes before they both started downstairs, Alfie leaning against Tommy to take the pressure off his knees and back. They headed outside and both shivered slightly as the wind blew through them.

“Christ, summer’s gone out already, hasn’t it, Tom?” He pulled his coat closer to him and wrapped his arm around Thomas’s arm, mostly to steady himself, but also for affectional purposes.

Tommy didn’t seem to mind and the two of them walked along the beach in a long, but mutually comfortable silence, holding each other’s arm. They let the wind run through their hair, and they stayed on the beach for a good few hours, idly chatting until something broke inside of the Shelby man.

He looked out at the ocean, and felt the darkness taking over his body again, just as it had this morning. The waves crashed over and over again, and equally dark thoughts started to spider in his mind. He swallowed hard and then started to walk out into the water.

“Tom? What are you doin’, Tommy?” Alfie’s voice sounded worried now.

He didn’t turn around though, and he let himself wade in the ocean until it past his hips, and it was only now when he heard the sound of someone following him. He felt Alfie’s arms grab and pull him back towards shore while being careful that he didn’t also fall.

When they got back to the safety of the beach, Alfie still held onto him from behind but they were now sitting in the sand.

“Fuckin’ hell, Tom! What are you tryin’ to do, drown yourself in the ocean?”

He honestly wasn’t sure what his end goal had been, but the water had looked so inviting in that moment that he wasn’t able to stop himself. It almost scared him, how he had acted on pure impulse without a second thought.

He leaned against Alfie’s chest, holding onto his arms tightly, his breathing ragged. “I-I don’t know, Alfie,” he said under his breath.

He curled into the other man now, wrapping his arms around his body. He didn’t care who saw them right now because he was fucking scared.

Alfie held onto him tightly, embracing him in his large arms for what seemed like ages. Finally, both men knew they had to eventually go home and get out of their wet clothes.

“Come on, love. Let’s go back home, right.”

Tommy nodded and let him lead them back towards Alfie’s house. They helped each other back upstairs out of their sandy, ocean soaked clothes, and decided just to stay in their underwear for the rest of the day since there was a fire going in the fireplaces.

They were quiet as they finished getting undressed and placed their wet clothes outside the room for the housekeeper to take and a heaviness hung in the air.

“Are we not going to talk about the fuck off huge elephant in the room, then?” Alfie asked, indignant as he finally turned to look at the other man.

Tommy sighed to himself, not wanting to talk about this. “Hm?” He asked, distantly before he lit up another cigarette.

Alfie had a conflicted look on his face now; he looked as if he wanted to be angry at Tommy, but he also looked as if worry and concern won out instead. It was still a strange look, nonetheless.

“You told me how you was suicidal, but you weren’t about to try anythin’ and yet you just fuckin’ waded off in the ocean like you were an anchor about to drop. So did you fuckin’ lie to me earlier about not trying to off yourself or what?”

Tommy ran a hand over his face before he looked over at the other man, a fear in his own eyes. “I-I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “I didn’t think, at all. I just… sort of just did it. I didn’t give it a second thought or… realize what I was doing until I had done it.”

Alfie scrunched up his face again and hobbled over to Tommy before he placed his hands on his shoulders.

“It’s just noise,” he whispered. “Noise in your head, right. It’s just fuckin… noise, Tom. You need to try and block it out, mate. Keep yourself distracted so you can’t hear it.”

“How do I do that, Alfie?” Tommy whispered back.

Alfie caressed the skin under his fingertips. “I’ll help you with that, sweetie. Don’t worry,” he replied soothingly. He began to run his fingers over the shaved patch of Tommy’s head.

Typical Peaky Blinder… even in retirement, he still had to shave his fucking hair, as if nothing were different. As if Thomas Shelby hadn’t relocated from Birmingham to fucking Margate.

“We’ll get through this, won’t we… just you and me, Tom,” he promised. “I’m not goin’ anywhere.”

Tommy let himself melt at Alfie’s gentle touch and before he knew it, his lips were on his, and they were helping each other out of the rest of their clothes as quickly as they could.


	9. attacked

**. . .**

  
They spent the next few weeks together and their days mostly consisted of drinking hot tea, making love, reading interesting passages to each other, and debating religion, or in Tommy’s case, lack thereof.

One would think that Thomas Shelby and Alfie Solomons were like oil and water, neither man meshing well with the other when it came to the topic of religion, but Alfie was just as stubborn as the other man. Perhaps that was the saving grace between them. The Jewish man couldn’t change Tommy’s mind, and at some point, even stopped trying to.

The air grew cooler until it no longer felt nice to go outside on the beach, or leave the doors open to let in the salty air. Nowadays, the doors stayed closed and the fireplaced stayed lit nearly all day and night now.

Tommy’s depression seemed to get a bit worse the more they stayed in, as did his nightmares. That had been another thing; he noticed that Alfie would have occasional nightmares as well, but he’d wake himself up and automatically recognize where he was. Tommy’s nightmares lasted longer, and this morning proved to be one of those days.

He was gasping and yelling at the same time, as if he were trying to fight off being choked by someone.

“Thomas, hey! Love, wake up, yeah? You’re having a nightmare…” The attempted arousal didn’t seem to have any effect on him. He shook him harder now, gently slapping his cheeks.

Tommy’s hands came up and tightened hard around Alfie’s wrists, but his eyes were still closed. The other man that tears were flowing down his cheeks freely even though they were closed, and he was crying. Alfie broke free from his boyfriend’s grip and held his arms firmly in place with his own hands.

“Tommy! Wake up!” He shook him gently, his own eyes widening at the younger man’s behavior. “You’re back in England, Thomas… you’re back! Come on, mate, come back to me, yeah?”

Tommy gasped again and he was fighting to be released of his arms as he looked around, his breathing erratic. Alfie was hesitant but he slowly released him before he placed his hands on either side of the man’s face, gently caressing his cheeks.

“You’re okay, breathe, mate. Yeah? Just breathe. I’m right here, sweetie. You’re safe, Tom. The war’s over. You’re back here with me,” Alfie whispered to him.

His words seemed to get through to Thomas, and they seemed to calm him down some. The Shelby man’s eyes were still wide and frightened, but he had stopped fighting now and tried to breathe. Alfie didn’t say anything for a while as he just held him and let him get his bearings again.

Finally, it was Tommy who broke the quiet.

“I was s-suffocating,” he spoke, nearly inaudibly. “I was tunneling, and… something went wrong, and it caved in on me. I couldn’t… I couldn’t breathe.”

Alfie was still holding him against his chest. He gently kissed Tommy’s shoulder and gently ran his fingers through the middle tuff of dark hair. “That’s right, love. I almost forgot you was a tunneler during the War, weren’t you?” He didn’t wait for him to answer. “Yeah, that had to be tough… I didn’t have the pleasure, right, but from what I understand, there were lots of unfortunate accidents, wasn’t there?”

Tommy gave a solemn nod. “Yes, Alfie… there were. Tunneling was dangerous.”

“Right so naturally, they had you do it,” Alfie chuckled gruffly, internally cursing the higher ups in charge. He wiped the tears left on his lover’s cheeks and still held him, breathing him in.

“Well… you’re safe here with me, Tommy,” Alfie promised, as if the past couple months’ events hadn’t happened… as if Thomas Shelby hadn’t been almost killed by an Irish gangster or stabbed in the back by Aberama Gold.

He felt Tommy turn around in his arms now, so he was facing him on the bed, and he took a deep breath before placing his hands on Alfie’s legs and gently caressed them lovingly. It seemed to help ground him more.

Alfie smirked softly. “As truly wonderful as this, sweetie, we should probably get out of bed and have some coffee.”

“Go ahead, Alfie. I’ll be down soon.”

Alfie placed his hands on Tommy’s own legs now. “Would you like me to get Rebekah to draw you up a bath? I know she wouldn’t mind.”

Tommy shook her head. “I’ll take one later. I just need a few minutes. Please.”

The other man looked hesitant at first, but then gave a gruff nod and groaned as he pulled his legs out from Thomas and slowly got out of bed. “Never make it easy for me, do you, Tom?” He teased before he got dressed from the waist down, spare for his shoes. “All right, all right. I’ll go downstairs and pour some coffee for us. Don’t be too long though, right. It won’t stay hot for long. We should get something decent in you as well before you start your horrible string of cigarettes you seem to need for the morning in order to function.”

Tommy didn’t say anything, knowing that Alfie was just trying to stall, maybe hoping Tommy would change his mind and come down right away with him. When he didn’t, Alfie walked out of the room and he could hear the old gangster groan and complain as he hobbled down the stairs.

Thomas waited until he was sure he had left and forced himself to get out of bed as well, but he walked over to the suitcase that he always carried around with him. He opened it up and saw the blue bottles of cocaine that he had taken from his flat the first time he went back to Birmingham since moving to Margate.

He knew he shouldn’t, but looking down at his shaky hands, he felt like he needed something to steady himself. Tommy was a mess right now, he knew it, and he knew that it would at least help him to focus and stay in the moment.

His thoughts wouldn’t drift to the ocean, or the tunnels in France, or dead friends. He could just focus on Alfie.

He grabbed one and started divvying up lines on the nearby table before taking a razor from his hand and cutting it up. Tommy cut enough for three lines and then took a pound note from his pocket and rolled it up tightly before he snorted up each line, sniffing.

He felt it not too much longer after he had finished and sniffed again before he brushed the excess powder off the table and then from his nose. Tommy stood up and finally headed downstairs with a little kick in his step.

He cleared his throat as he sat down in front of the coffee on the table across from Alfie. He took a sip and grimaced. “It’s cold.”

Alfie raised a brow and turned a page of his paper. “Well yes, that’s what happens when you’re upstairs doing God knows what for nearly fifteen minutes. Were you havin’ some fun without me, then?”

Tommy didn’t catch Alfie’s drift at first but then when he realized, he rolled his eyes and shook his head before he grabbed a cigarette from his case and was about to light it when Alfie took the cigarette out of his mouth.

“What did I tell you before, Thomas? No poisons before breakfast, yeah? Come on, get some hot coffee in you first, yeah? Then you can put that shit in your body. Promise.” Alfie put the cigarette out Tommy’s reach.

He sighed heavily, recognizing now that he would have to tell Alfie about doing the cocaine. He couldn’t have coffee right now or else he’d really be shaking.

“I think I’ll have tea actually, instead,” he spoke softly. “And I need a smoke to even me out a bit, Alfie. So can I please have my cigarette back now?”

Alfie put his paper down now and looked across the table at the other man. He studied him and leaned forward a bit to actively search his eyes. “You fuckin’ bastard,” he said without any real fire in his voice. “You were playin’ in the snow upstairs, weren’t you? You silly Gypo arsehole. Fucking hell, Tom,” Alfie groaned as he gave the cigarette back to him now.

Tommy placed it between his lips and lit it, taking a long drag. He let it rest between his fingers as he absentmindedly, or perhaps it was the coke, scratched his face. “I couldn’t think about France anymore, Alfie… or fucking business, or black cats, or anything else. I didn’t want to think about anything else except for you.”

“That’s sweet and all, Tom, but I would’ve preferred you think of me before you snorted that shit up your fuckin’ nose. You know how much I disapprove of it, right, and you still did it!” Alfie threw his hands up, genuinely looking frustrated.

Tommy was too high at the moment to think about Alfie’s disappointment with him right now. He took another drag. “What exactly about cocaine do you have a problem with, eh?”

Alfie rubbed his eyes tiredly before he stared at Tom, trying to keep his patience. “It… alters you, doesn’t it? I mean, that’s the fuckin’ point of it, right, but cocaine changes people’s personalities and makes them someone they’re not. I’ve seen it in you already, obviously, and I’ve seen when you’ve down that brown sugar, yeah? The opium, and frankly, I don’t like when you’re on either one, but cocaine makes you too unpredictable, Tom. You aren’t the same person.”

Thomas sighed and took another drag, starting to feel his body start to even out a little bit now. “That’s the point, though, isn’t it, Alfie? I hate being that person, any person… but the person that I am without it, in particular. I’m tired of thinking and thinking and… fucking seeing things, eh? I’m just tired of it, Alfie.”

He wasn’t trying to get his sympathy, but he just wanted to explain himself.

Alfie took another drink of his own coffee now before he looked uneasy. “How many of them blue bottles do you have here with you, Tom?”

“Two now,” he answered directly.

The Jewish man looked conflicted. “How many lines have you been doin’?”

“It was four, I’m down to three now. Why?”

“All right, this is how this is going to work out, then, right. You can snort up one of the bottles, but we’re going to use the last one to ween you off. I hate to give you a fucking ultimatum here, and I love you, God help me, I do… but I don’t want you to be constantly high while you’re with me. I need to know your feelings are real and true, and I know that drugs are meant to do the opposite of that, so… now, Thomas, my question to you is… do you love me enough to stop rollin’ around in the snow?”

Tommy didn’t want to say how he hadn’t been constantly high since he was here, but he couldn’t deny how much he had _wanted_ to be, just to get rid of all his feelings. He thought it would help stop him from spacing out, keep a grip on reality. He had even wished he had brought more with him here, just so he could snort all of it.

He sighed and took a long drag, thinking.

“It’s a simple question, Tommy. So do you or fuckin’ don’t you? If you don’t, then I would appreciate it, yeah, if you could fuck right off on out of here and not come back.”

Tommy tensed now, his heart dropping into his stomach. His hands started to tremble a little, but it wasn’t from the drugs this time. This was emotional, not physiological.

“No,” he practically begged, _and god did he hate himself for begging to Alfie Solomons._ “I do… love you, Alfie. I’ll stop, after the second bottle is empty, I’ll stop.”

Alfie searched his face and smiled at him weakly, nodding. “Good. I’m real glad to hear you say that, love. Thank you.”

Tommy didn’t say anything else and once his first cigarette was done, he put it out and then lit up another. He didn’t think he depended on cocaine like Arthur or Esme, but maybe he did. Knowing he’d have to stop the thing that was helping him was a huge blow, but he wouldn’t show Alfie _that_ weakness, at the very least.

Alfie made both of them some tea and they sat by the fireplace, casually chatting as Alfie watched Tommy fidget occasionally.

“Christ, Tom, I can hear your fuckin’ teeth grinding from over here,” he spoke teasingly. “Have some chamomile tea, yeah? It’ll help you more than those cigarettes, won’t it.”

Tommy shook his head. “It’s early. I know what chamomile tea does, Alfie, and I don’t want to sleep yet.”

“A child, you are, Tom. Not ready for a nap yet, right, well I know how fucking cranky you can be when you don’t get your extra hours in, because I’m the exact same way,” the other man shrugged as he turned a page of his book.

Tommy smiled to himself and stood up, his love for this man filling him up wholly. He grabbed Alfie’s empty tea cup. “Would you like another one as well, Alfie?”

The offer made the Jewish man look up at him in surprise before he nodded, giving a small smirk. “Yes, Tom, that would be lovely, cheers.”

He walked into the kitchen and lit the fire under the kettle again to heat the water back up again. It hadn’t been all that long since he had made his own tea; at his own place here in Margate, a bit down the road, he had made his own tea since he arrived there. He was tired of maids and housekeeper making his tea, and the one housekeeper that he actually did have was paid quite handsomely to keep Tommy’s secret about even owning a place in Margate.

At least someone would be occupying the house there since Thomas sure as hell wasn’t anymore. At least he had a place nearby to run to in case things with Alfie fell through.

_Always have an escape plan._

The whistling of the kettle brought him back now and he poured both of them tea, taking Alfie’s advice and deciding to use chamomile this time, and went back to the living room near the fireplace. He sat down on the floor in front of Alfie’s chair so he could be close to the fire, feeling chilled.

Alfie had the book on his lap and his tea in his right hand. His other hand came down and gently caressed the tuft of Tommy’s hair softly. He relaxed some on the floor as he felt this and sipped his tea peacefully, thinking maybe being here might do him some good after all to get off the cocaine.

If this were how his bad days were going to be, maybe Thomas Shelby would be all right after all.

An hour passed like this, and the telephone startled Tommy from his nap. He had indeed fallen asleep against Alfie and he jolted upright upon hearing the ringing.

Alfie placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder and gently moved him off to the side so he could stand up. “It’s all right, Thomas. Just the phone. I’ll get it, yeah,” he hobbled over to where the phone was and picked up the receiver. A few seconds passed and he looked over at the younger man. “It’s for you, mate.”

Tommy rubbed his eyes sleepily and forced himself to stand up. He shuffled over and took it from Alfie, clearing his throat. “Yes, hello?”

He was tense at first. He hadn’t given anyone this number besides his sister and Finn. Sure enough, he heard Finn’s voice on the other end, and he relaxed slightly.

“Tom?” his voice sounded foreign. He sounded scared, and angry at the same time.

“Finn,” Tommy tensed again now. “Finn, what’s happened? Are you all right?”

There was sniffling; he was crying, or had been crying before. In his life, he hadn’t seen the young man cry very often, and when he did, he had a good reason for it.

“Calm down, Finn, eh? Tell me what’s going on, brother.” Tommy ordered kindly.

Tommy didn’t hear anything else in the background, which told him that he was at his own place. Something was wrong.

“Tommy… I-I was jumped,” Finn’s voice came shakily. “I-I was fuckin’ jumped.”

Tommy tensed and it was now when he saw Alfie watching him worriedly. “Jumped, jumped by who, Finn? What exactly happened?”

“I was walkin’ in Charlie’s yard with… with him, you know? A-And… they grabbed us before we had any chance to hurt them a-and… they beat us up, with clubs and b-bats,” Finn was sobbing now. He hadn’t ever seen his youngest brother sob in his life; Finn had been strong for someone his age his whole life, but it also didn’t make Tommy think any less of him.

It just made him realize that this attack had thoroughly affected him.

“All right, Finn. Listen to me… don’t go to Charlie’s yard again until I get there, all right? Keep yourself and your mate either at the Garrison, or in your house, stay closer to home. I’ll be there tomorrow afternoon.”

Finn took a moment to calm himself down now before he spoke again. “R-Right, okay, Tom.”

Tommy felt his heart tighten against his ribcage. “Stay safe, Finn, both of you.”

“We will, Tom.” He hung up and so did Thomas before he turned around and looked at Alfie with uncertainty and fear in his eyes.

“What’s the matter, Tom? He sounded quite upset.”

Tommy sighed heavily. “My brother Finn and his… friend got jumped by someone, a group of them, by the sound of it. He said they beat them up.”

“Christ,” Alfie gave a cringe of sympathy. “Did they say why they attacked them, then? Or was it just youngers bein’ youngsters?”

Tommy shook his head and moved over to the couch, feeling too tired to go anywhere. Finn had sounded upset, but if he wasn’t cut or anything, then he could wait until tomorrow. “No, it didn’t sound like that was the case.”

There was a heavy silence lingering in the room and the unspoken question between them until Alfie was the one who asked first.

“Do you think this was a… targeted attack, Tom? Right, because of what they are?”

Tommy didn’t want to let himself think it, but he also couldn’t get the possibility out of his head. Why would whoever did this want to hurt Finn and his friend? They were the youngest in the family, save for Tommy’s children. All they really were was extra muscle, maybe extra hands in the shop when it was needed, or for errands.

Then another question entered his mind: Had it been one of their own who attacked Finn and his friend, or had been a rival gang?

“Do you think it’s possible that that bloke Mosley could’ve done something like this, or… his people, yeah? They’re a pretty prominent hate group around here at the moment and to be honest, mate, homosexuality seems like something that wouldn’t go under their radar, right. You haven’t exactly squared things off with him yet.”

Tommy looked over at him on his place on the couch, dread in his eyes. “I honestly don’t know, Alfie. There’s too many ‘what-ifs.’ Maybe I can get the whole story from him tomorrow.”

Alfie nodded in understanding and let his fingers trail over his moustache a couple times in thought. “How do your people feel about such a thing, homosexuality, I mean? Would they accept poor Finn?”

Tommy exhaled and shook his head before shrugging. “I know my sister does, because of her roommate who is also one of us. I’m not so sure about the rest of my family. Do you think it was one of my own who hurt Finn?”

Alfie looked a bit nervous now and he shrugged but it was clear from his eyes he was more afraid of more conflict with Tommy. “I honestly don’t know, love. I think anything is possible, nowadays, right. I also know that people fuckin’ hate what they don’t understand, and don’t want to understand. I know that your brother Arthur seems to be one of those people, yeah? Not saying it was him, of course, but… just saying, perhaps you would wish to look inward instead of outward for the culprit.”

Tommy took this in and exhaled through his nose, hoping, _fucking praying_ , it wasn’t one of his own kin who did this. If it had been one of them, would Finn had even told Tommy? If he had been afraid of what would happen to them, perhaps he wouldn’t.

There were too many questions that were unanswered, but right now, Thomas Shelby was too tired to answer them. He still felt sleepy from the tea he had drank earlier, and before he knew it, he had fallen asleep again.


	10. visitation

**. . .**

As soon as Tommy set foot back in Birmingham, he could just _feel_ like something wasn’t right. He hurried, damn near ran, to Finn’s house and was about to let himself inside the house when he felt resistance. He sighed heavily and then pounded on the door before he looked up towards the window he knew Finn’s room was in.

“Finn! It’s me, open up!”

 _No doubt his kid brother had felt the need to lock the door after yesterday’s incident._ Tommy couldn’t say he blamed him; it only piled on to his fearfulness about the situation.

He waited a minute, hearing footsteps coming from inside, voices, and then saw the door open. Tommy walked inside and saw the Finn lock the door behind him unnecessarily before he ushered his brother into the kitchen so he could see him and his friend in the light.

First thing was first though. He turned to look at Finn’s boyfriend and felt sick when he saw his face bruised, his nose was broken, and his lip was split. “Sorry, we haven’t formally met. You know who I am but I'm afraid Finn’s failed to tell me your name.”

The young man looked at Tommy almost apologetically. “Harry Fowles.”

“Right, all right, well nice to finally meet you properly, eh?” He turned now to look at his brother who appeared to be in similar condition but then he noticed Finn grimace in pain as he grabbed a chair to bring over for Harry.

Tommy swallowed hard and he looked at Finn expectantly. “Where else? Show me, Finn.”  
  
Finn glanced over at Harry, who gave an encouraging nod, and then unbuttoned his shirt to reveal bruises on his ribs.

Tommy exhaled sharply through his nose before running a hand over his face. He was feeling blind rage start to bubble in his stomach, but he tried to keep it in check as he looked back at them. “Neither of you recognized anyone who hurt you?”

“No, Tom,” Finn shook his head. “It happened so fast.”

Tommy’s heart sunk into his stomach and he felt nauseous again. “You’re lying, brother,” he said almost solemnly. “Just tell me who it fucking was.”

Finn was starting to look nervous. “W-What are you going to do to him, Tom?”

_Good question; what was he going to do?_

He shrugged. “I don’t know. It depends who it is. Listen to me, Finn. It doesn’t matter who did this to you, yeah? Kin or not, what they did was wrong, and you didn’t deserve to get hurt, neither of you did. Protectin’ them is only going to make things worse, and it won’t stop either of you from getting hurt again. So, who did this?”

Thomas looked between the two of them, as if he would be to read the answer in one of their eyes. “Eh?” He asked sharply.

“A-Arthur,” Finn confessed softly. “It was Arthur. He… caught us, holdin’ hands in Charlie’s yard. We didn’t think anyone else was around! It looked empty.”

Tommy hated that he wasn’t completely surprised by the accusation; Arthur was never one for acceptance of anything new and different. He was stuck in his old-fashioned ways and routine.

“Just Arthur, then? No one else?”

Both boys shook their heads, and Tommy gave a nod. “All right. I’m going to go try to talk sense into him. You two stay here, stay locked up.”

“Okay, Tom.”

He unlocked the door so he could leave and then heard the lock again from behind him before he started too head towards the Garrison, deciding that perhaps Arthur would be there by now. It was nearly noon.

He took a deep breath, fueled only by his rage and sympathy for his little brother. He had no doubt that Arthur could take on the two of them, easily, especially if Finn hadn’t seen it coming. He couldn’t very well cut his own brother; that wasn’t their way. He needed to somehow convince Arthur to leave them alone, or else here would be no way Finn would be safe here on Watery Lane.

He entered the bar to find it empty. That wasn’t unusual; it was still a bit early for their usual customers. He saw Arthur stand up to greet him though, his arms open.

_As if he hadn’t just attacked his own brother and one of their own._

“Tommy!” He chuckled lightheartedly as he clapped him on the back.

Thomas Shelby didn’t hug him back and he let his anger begin to show. “Sit down, Arthur. We need to have a talk.”

“Right,” Arthur nodded, looking apprehensive as he sat down at a table. “What about, Tom?”

He sat down across from him and was about to light up a cigarette, but he remembered that he had left them back in fucking Margate. Of course he did.

He opted for a drink instead and poured himself one out of the open bottle Arthur had been drinking from before he had walked in. He swallowed it down quickly before he looked at him.

“Arthur. I’ve just been to Finn’s, and he tells me that you jumped him and Harry Fowles yesterday in Charlie’s yard,” he explained.

Arthur’s face contorted now. “Right, yeah… I did do that,” he admitted in a grumble, “to teach them a lesson!”

“And what lesson would that be, brother?”

“That it’s not natural to hold hands with another man! I’ve see them kissin’ as well, Tommy… when they think no one was lookin’. It isn’t right… our Finn needs to learn, one way or another, yeah? I was just doin’ what I thought you’d do, is all.”

Tommy took a deep breath before he pinched the bridge of his nose. It was all he could do not to throw Arthur into the tables and smash pint glasses over his head. “No, you did wrong, brother. You did wrong. I would not have done that to Finn, our own brother. Who he holds hands with and kisses or… fucks, is none of our fucking business, Arthur. Unless they’re a rival gang, then we stay out of it.”

Arthur gave a disgusted face and shook his head. “But they –ʺ

Tommy wasn’t going to let him finish that sentence. “They’re happy, and they love each other. Do you remember when we went to London a few years back and we saw those other two men snogging?” He watched Arthur nod. “Right, it’s something different, it’s new and it doesn’t matter if some of us don’t like it. It just doesn’t. They can still do what makes them happy.”

“It’s wrong, Tom,” Arthur’s anger had taken a back seat upon listening to Tommy, and now he seemed less sure about his own ignorant thoughts. _Good._

“It’s not wrong, Arthur… it’s different. They’re not hurtin’ anyone, yeah? Let them be. That’s an order from me.”

Arthur looked confused but his fight was gone. Perhaps seeing Tommy being so okay with it changed his own mind in the process. “Right. Okay.”

Tommy stood up and poured himself another half glass of whiskey before downing it quickly. He looked at Arthur with hard eyes. “Let them fucking be, brother,” he repeated one more time, because sometimes that’s what it took with Arthur. “If I hear you hurt them, or let anyone else hurt them, then we’re going to have trouble, and I won’t fucking hesitate to kill you if you keep hurtin’ Finn for loving someone he can’t help loving. Is that understood?”

Arthur gave a curt nod now.

“Good. Finn might be a homosexual, but that doesn’t mean we stop protectin’ him. He’s still our kin. So, protect him, Arthur, or _you’ll_ be the one who needs protectin’.” Tommy didn’t wait for his response and walked out of the Garrison before he stopped by Finn’s house again and knocked on the door.

The door opened slowly, and Finn slowly moved over to talk to Tommy. “Hey, Tom.”

Tommy wasn’t craving his cigarettes so much now that he had a few drinks. “Hey, Finn,” he said softly, gently, searching his younger brother’s bruised face. “I talked to Arthur. He won’t be bothering you two anymore. I’m sorry he attacked you but there isn’t much I can do about that now. Just make sure to put cream on your cuts and ice on your ribs.”

Finn nodded in understanding. “Thanks, Tom. What did you tell him?”

“I told him to basically keep you safe or I’m going to kill him,” Tommy shrugged, not afraid to tell him the truth. He cleared his throat and looked at Finn with softer eyes now. “Listen, Finn. I don’t have a problem with you two, you know I don’t, right? I just want you both safe. This isn’t London. It isn’t safe to show your true affections for someone around here, not in this day and age. Things are changing, but not very fast. I don’t care what you two do if you go to London, but when you’re here, try and keep it low-key.”

Finn nodded again and looked a bit sheepishly at him. “All right. We will,” he nodded.

Tommy wasn’t sure what to make of his brother’s short answers. Maybe he was still shaken up from the attack, which would be perfectly understandable given Arthur’s history with hurting and cutting and killing other people with the flip of a switch.

He searched Finn’s eyes. “Everything else all right, Finn?”

The younger Shelby man nodded and gave a reassuring smile. “Yeah, it’s fine. Thanks again,” then, a few moments later, “S-Sorry, to bring you back home from Margate. I know how you probably wanted to stay there. I hesitated to call you in the first place.”

Tommy felt his heart crumble a bit now. He shook his head and he placed his hands on Finn’s shoulders before he leaned in. “Never hesitate to call me, Finn. I’m here for you, brother. It doesn’t fucking matter what time it is. If you can’t get a hold of me in Margate at Alfie’s, then go to Ada and James’ house, yeah?”

Finn seemed to relax. “Right, okay, Tom.”

“All right. I’m going to stop over at Ada’s and then I’m heading back to Margate. Let me know if anything else happens here, eh?”

Finn gave another nod and smiled warmly.

Tommy felt his job here was done, and he got out of the way so Finn could lock the door again. He let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding and he started to the smallish house he shared with his children and Lizzie. He walked inside but didn’t see anyone around.

He walked around until he found a note in the kitchen:

_Tommy – decided to go back to the country after what happened the other day. Figured we’d be safer there for now. Hope you’re well._

_With love always,_

_Lizzie & the children_

  
Tommy smirked to himself. At least Lizzie knew to keep his secret as well in case anyone else were to see the note. He laid down €700 on the table on top of the note before he headed towards Ada’s place. If he weren’t going to be around for Lizzie or the children, the least he could do was at least help pay for them.

He knocked on Ada’s door, and wasn’t surprised when James answered, but he looked as if he were on his way out at the same time. He had his hat in his hand, and he nearly jumped when he opened the door before letting out a soft chuckle.

“Sorry, all right, Thomas?”

He nodded and slipped inside so James could slip out. He thought of warning James, but then stopped himself; James was a bit younger than himself, but he had more experience with this lifestyle, from what Ada had told him. He was an adult.

He waved James out before he closed the door and walked into the living room to see Ada curled up with a book.

“Every time I come in here, I see you with your nose in a book, Ada,” he stated as he sat down across from her.

She smiled. “I like to read,” she shrugged. “You should try it, Tommy. You might learn a thing or two that you didn’t know before.”

“All Alfie and I do is read.” He sighed tiredly, rubbing his eyes, wishing he had brought his cocaine with him to help wake him up.

“Oh, is that all you two do? You can’t come up with something more exciting to do?” She grinned mischievously, knowing full well what else they did in Margate. She turned a page and looked at her brother from over her book and saw him roll his eyes.

He was quiet for a while, torn between letting her read, and telling her about Arthur and Finn. He looked around and found her package of cigarettes before he took one and lit it without her permission. After taking a drag, he felt better.

“I suppose you’ve already heard what happened to Finn and his friend,” she replied before she set her book down and looked at her brother.

He sighed and nodded. “Yes, and I believe I’ve solved the problem. I told Finn to be more careful, and I told Arthur not to touch either of them. I warned him that if he hurt them again that I’ll have to force my hand.”

Ada tensed a little. “What does that mean exactly?”

“You know what it means, Ada. You’re an intelligent woman.” He took another drag of his cigarette.

She clenched her jaw in disapproval. “So what, you’re going to cut your own brother? I thought we didn’t kill our own kin?” There was disbelief in her voice.

Tommy shook his head. “What if he had killed Finn in his attack? What if he lost control, like he does sometimes, and killed our brother in cold blood, Ada? Eh? What then? Would you still be against my ending his life?”

This question seemed to change her tune, or at least her way of thinking. “I just wish you didn’t have to kill anyone at all. I love Finn, and I love you, but Arthur’s still our brother, and killing him wouldn’t bring Finn back.”

Tommy gave a nod. “That’s right, Ada. It wouldn’t… but it would set a precedent. It would show that killing our own isn’t acceptable.”

“You realize how contradictory that is?” She asked questioningly, searching Tommy’s face now.

He took another drag of his cigarette and sighed. “It would prevent future violence from within our family. Let’s not think of such things right now, sister. I came here on a happy note. I wanted to see you. Where is James off to in such a hurry, by the way?”

“He heard about yesterday, and he decided to take Finn and his friend into London on an impromptu trip,” she explained with a smile.

Tommy gave a nod, happy that James would at least be there to help watch over them to a certain point. He would feel better if one of them went with them as well for extra protection, but he didn’t trust Arthur, and he knew that Finn didn’t either right now.

“I fully support you, Tommy, but I still can’t believe you’re with Alfie fucking Solomons.”

Tommy smirked and finished off his cigarette before he put it out in the ashtray. “Me either. I didn’t see that coming, to be honest. When are you going to get with someone, eh?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know,” she said shyly. “I kind of like not being attached to anyone right now. Men are bastards who only care about guns and money.”

He let out a dry laugh. “You realize that isn’t every man, right, Ada? That only applies for the Shelby family, and perhaps the Lees as well. Maybe you should try going to London with James once in a while. You might find someone you like. It’s a different world compared to here.”

She smiled softly and nodded. “Perhaps next time I will,” she was quiet for a few minutes before she looked at her brother again, biting her lip. “Do you think some time I can come visit you in Margate? I can bring Finn? Do you think that’d be all right?”

Tommy grinned genuinely. “I think that would be nice, Ada.”

She smiled back now before she took a sip of her tea that had been growing cold beside her. “Great. Maybe around Christmas?”

Tommy nodded. “Christmas would be good.”

She seemed satisfied now but then her mood appeared too change. However, she still seemed a bit sheepish. “You haven’t seen Lizzie and the children for a while now…”

“Don’t worry about Lizzie or the children,” he attempted to reassure her. “We’ve talked everything out and she’s accepting of Alfie and I. We’re still legally married, and I’ve already left her some more money, so it’s all sorted.”

“You should still spend time with your children, Tommy…”

He sighed and looked at her. “I saw them recently, Ada, and Charles doesn’t want a lot to do with me right now. Maybe I’ll take Ruby with me to Margate. I’m sure Alfie would love to see her.”

“Does he like children?” She looked skeptical.

Tommy nodded. “He does, and I think he’d love to see her. Charles is at that age where he wants to grow up too fast. He’s better off staying with his mother in the country. When they get back, can you talk to her about letting me borrow Ruby for a couple days?”

“Sure,” she nodded. “Do you want me to give her your Margate number as well so you can plan everything out?”

He thought about it for a moment. She’d never stop calling if she had the number. “No, just tell her that I’ll be back in another week or so, and for her to be here then.”

“Okay, just keep me updated on your plans, Tommy. Do you have any plans for Guy Fawkes in a couple days?”

_Fuck._

He had forgotten about Guy Fawkes. The 5th. Ada was right; it was only a couple days away. How could he had forgotten about it? It was the day he had despised since he came back from France.

_All that fucking noise._

Even in Margate, there was still a decent amount of people who would celebrate it, and it would only be worse here.

Tommy supported the cause, he didn’t support the noise that came from it, though. It was just a loud reminder of all the shooting in France. This would be his first Guy Fawkes Day with Alfie.

“No, we’re just going to stay in,” he replied coolly. Ada never saw him on Guy Fawkes day. She usually spent it with the children and Lizzie and Aunt Polly, while most of the guys spent it together having bonfires and burning things.

Tommy had always stayed inside though. He had told everyone else how he was just tired and preferred o be alone, and everyone left him alone, not thinking much of it.

Except for Lizzie. She knew that he had difficulty every year around this time. She had felt bad for him, and let him curl up in bed, and let him hold her for comfort.

Ada gave him a warm smile. “That sounds nice,” she spoke hopefully.

They sat in a comfortable silence for about ten minutes as she went back to her book, and Tommy stood up, not wanting to overstay his welcome. He wanted to get back to Alfie. “It’s been nice talking with you, Ada, but I should be heading back now. Is there anything you need before I go?”

She shook her head, still smiling. “I’m good. Keep your money.”

“Very well,” he straightened his clothes out and cleared his throat. “I love you, Ada.” And he meant it with every syllable and all the blood that he possessed.

The statement surprised her. He wasn’t one to say those things to everyone every day. She smiled brightly and set her book down before she looked up at him. “I love you too, Tommy. Take care of yourself.”

“You too, Ada,” he nodded before he let himself out and headed for the train station to go back to Margate.


	11. the day before

**. . .**

Over the next couple weeks, things seemed to settle down some. Finn called once a week to check in with Tommy, and vice versa, nothing overly excited happened back home.

The leaves had started changing a bit, and the air had started to grow colder, but what Tommy noticed the most was the tension in the house between himself and Alfie. Neither man was upset at each other. The tension was that they were all too aware of what was coming up.

Guy Fawkes Day.

This would be their first one together, and both men seemed on edge. Tommy wasn’t sure how Alfie handled this day every year (he had never talked about it), but the Birmingham gangster found himself chain smoking more often than not as the day drew nearer.

Today, it was nearing lunchtime and he was already on his second glass of whiskey.

“Christ, Tom, if you’re goin’ to drink like that, why don’t you just go live in that there ocean outside, yeah? It’s a bit early, to be quite honest. I’m genuinely concerned.”

He downed the drink before lighting up another cigarette and taking a drag from it.

_It was tomorrow. Guy Fawkes day was tomorrow, less than twenty-four hours, and Tommy didn’t know how else to deal with it except by drowning in drink and smoke._

“Sorry, Alfe,” he apologized weakly. “I just have trouble every year around this time. I don’t…. I don’t handle it well.”

“Yeah, well that’s fuckin’ obvious, mate,” Alfie walked over to Tommy and searched his face, his own eyes filled with concern and worry. He placed his arm around the shorter man’s shoulders. “Come on, Tommy… let’s sit down by he fire here and trade that whiskey for some tea and biscuits, shall we?”

Alfie called in his housekeeper and asked her if she would bring them tea and cookies. She obliged and brought both items in on a tray about ten minutes later before taking her leave again.

He handed Tommy his cup of tea and sniffed. “Right, Tom, put that poison stick out, yeah, and try some tea, love. I swear she’s the only one I’ve had who had make proper tea around here.”

“I don’t want any tea, Alfie,” Thomas Shelby replied, coughing a little bit before he took another drag.

The other man watched him from where he sat, drinking his own tea. He saw Tommy looking tense, more so than usual, and his nails were dug so deep into his palm that his hand was turning white.

“I’m not thick, Tom,” the other man said now, watching him. “I know why you’re behavin’ like a scared rabbit right now. I know what tomorrow is.”

Tommy was quiet for a long time before he finally spoke. “You don’t know how I act around this time of year, Alfie… this time of year is the time I dread the most.”

Alfie gave a nod and a hum of understanding. “Right, because of the fuckin’ fireworks and the lot being shot off… I get that. It probably reminds you of France, right, being shot at, watchin’ your family and your mates lyin’ in the muck and mud.”

“You’re not helping, Alfie,” he spoke softly, finishing up his cigarette before he put it out and then automatically lit up another.

Alfie looked like he might be getting impatient. He reached over and grabbed the cigarette out of his mouth. “You’re not helpin’ your own fuckin’ self by smoking these things, Tommy. Between that and the drink, it’s just makin’ you feel worse by the minute, yeah?”

Without blinking, he took out another cigarette and lit it, taking along drag from it. Alfie didn’t take this one out of his mouth, but he shook his head.

“This is what gets me through the week, Alfie,” Tommy said matter-of-factly. “How do you act on Guy Fawkes, eh? What do you do?”

Alfie sighed and shrugged. “I act like… a fuckin’ person, I don’t know, mate. I get… a little jumpy, I suppose, but… it doesn’t affect me as much as you, apparently. I don’t need those fags or alcohol to get through it.”

“All that bangin’ and noise outside… the screamin’… it doesn’t bother you?”

Alfie shrugged again before he shook his head. “No, because that’s all it is, isn’t it? It’s just fucking noise outside. To be honest, it’s more annoying than scary, right. I’d be happier if they didn’t do anything at all, but I suppose it is a good cause to be celebrated, ain’t it?”

Tommy thought back to how his family celebrated this day after year back in Birmingham. Arthur would be nearly hiding under his bed with a loaded pistol, John was usually at the Garrison drinking all day, and Tommy could be found curled up in the bed with his hands over his ears, and an opium pipe next to his bed.

He blinked slowly, taking another drag before then taking a drink from his whiskey. “Not much scares me anymore these days. It’s hard to kill a man who’s already dead, isn’t it?”

“So what does scare you, Alfie?”

The Jewish man looked across his tea at his lover. “Losin’ you, I suppose. Yeah, I think that’s what I’m most scared of. We’ve both been through a lot over these years, right, and even though I’ve double crossed you, a part of me never wanted to see you dead, even when you made me fuckin’ mad from all your bullshit, right. I knew you’d get through anything anyone threw at you. I was scared that one day, though, someone was going to put a fuckin’ bullet through that cold heart of yours, Tom, and… I think that’s when I knew how much you meant to me. That… fucking…unadulterated fear I felt at that thought.”

Tommy finished his drink and looked back at him, rubbing his temples. He was letting his guard drop but Alfie could tell there was more going on in his head right now than he was letting on.

“I’m going to go lie in the bath for a while,” he announced solemnly.

Alfie watched Tommy grab his cigarettes and pour himself a new glass of gin before he started upstairs.

The Shelby man got undressed and grabbed both his vices before he poured water in the bath and got inside. He lit up yet another cigarette and took a drink, rubbing his head. He felt so tired.

_Just tired of everything._

Alfie was trying to be patient, giving Tommy ten minutes of privacy before he finally got too worried. He finished his tea and biscuit and then hobbled up the stairs before he knocked on the bathroom door.

“Tom, can I come in, just to chat?”

Silence.

He knocked again. “Tommy? Come on, mate. Say somethin’, will you?”

Alfie could feel panic swell in his stomach but then he heard movement from within the bathroom. He heard the door unlock and then heard Tommy get back in the bath. Alfie waited half a moment before he let himself inside and looked at him.

He wasn’t looking great. Alfie could tell he might have been crying, but he couldn’t be sure.

Alfie sat down on the closed toilet seat and looked at his boyfriend, companion, whatever he was considered. “I thought maybe you might have slit your own veins open in here.”

“The thought crossed my mind,” Tommy nearly whispered. The glass of gin was on the floor, but the cigarette was still in his fingers.

Alfie tensed now and he gave a heavy sigh. “With our luck, hell would most likely just be Guy Fawkes day every second of every day for all eternity.”

Tommy gave a dry chuckle as he coughed. “Probably.”

“This… is new territory for me, Tom,” Alfie admitted now. “I don’t know how to help you, so… tell me what I can do to, right, you know… to help you get through this. I have no fuckin’ clue, mate. Do you need me to take away all the sharp objects and your razors to stop you from hurtin’ yourself? If that’s what you need me to do, if that’s what it’ll take, then I’ll do it for you, Tom. I don’t want you to just be fuckin’ gone. I need you. I fuckin’ need you here with me.”

Tommy looked over at Alfie and he could see the sadness in the Brummies’ eyes now. He finished his cigarette and put it out, quiet for a long time. “I want to go to bed, and I don’t want to come out until this fucking holiday is over, Alfie,” he answered softly.

Alfie gave a nod of understanding. “All right, then… we can do that, love. We can hide out in bed as long as it takes, and I’m not going to fuckin’ leave your side, mate. I’ll keep you safe.”

The smart side of Thomas Shelby told him that he should have Alfie hide his razors, hide any razors, hide his cigarettes and alcohol, hide his cocaine. The self-destructive side of him, however, had decided not to tell Alfie that, just in case Tommy needed a plan B, a way out.

The truth was, he was terrified of himself, of what he might do to himself. He was usually on his own on this day, and he didn’t want Alfie Solomons to see him at his weakest and lowest.

“Why the hell are we like this, Alfie…?” Tommy asked him quietly.

Alfie knew the ‘we’ wasn’t directed at the two of them, but at Tommy and his kin who had gone to war together. He had been in the war too, though, and he had an answer.

“You’re not the only ones to be this way, Tommy,” the other man attempted to comfort as he looked down at his hands. “You’re… shell-shocked, right. You’ve been through a fuckin’ war and mate, no one goes through one of those and comes out all right on the other side when it’s over. Some of my men are strongly adverse to Guy Fawkes Day, not because of the fuckin’ cause and reasoning behind of it but they’re like you, Tom. It’s the noise of it all, innit?”

“It makes us weak,” he sighed. “If any other man were to see it happen before their eyes, see us cowering in fear, they’d take advantage of it.”

Alfie finally met Tommy’s eyes now. “Is that what you’re afraid of, love, that I’m going to see you tomorrow and take advantage of that?”

Tommy was quiet for a long time, deciding not to answer, but his answer seemed obvious to both of them now.

Alfie straightened up, leaning on his cane for support and he shook his head. “I love you, Tom. Why the fuck would I want to hurt you like that? We’re not against each other anymore, right? There’s no reason for me wanting to destroy you or your business. Remember, I’m a dead man who’s fuckin’ retired, mate. The last thing I care about right now is trying to make others feel small.”

“I love you too, Alfie,” Tommy whispered.

“I know,” the other man smirked from across the room. “You’ve been in here for quite some time, Tom. Why don’t you get out and we can curl up in front of the fire together?”

Tommy thought about this and nodded; the water had already grown cold, and his head was starting to swim a little bit from the gin. He let the drain out and stood up, starting to dry himself off with the towel. He got out and led them into the bedroom to put his underwear and just a shirt on.

Alfie hobbled out and watched him before he looked at Tommy. “I still can’t believe how fuckin’ gorgeous you are, mate.”

“Gorgeous?” Tom let out a small laugh. “I’m covered in scars and bullet holes, Alfie. I look more like a target than a person anymore.

He waited for Alfie to make his way towards the stairs before he slowly led him down them, helping the other man when he needed it.

“You only look like a target, Tom, because you were a silly boy who got himself into all sorts of dirty business deals with dirty fuckin’ people. You put that target on your own back, love,” there was a softness in his voice. “Anyway, you came out through it well enough. You were strong enough to fight back, at least, you had the brains to plan everything out, plan out worse case scenarios, plan out how other people were going to think… you’re smarter than anyone else gives you credit for.”

Tommy looked over at him and smiled now, feeling a warm come from inside of him, heating his cold veins back up, pumping life back into him. “You’re still alive too, Alfie, despite what you say about you being dead. You were smart as well.”

“Well, of course I was,” Alfie scoffed teasingly. “If I wasn’t, then I would certainly be actually dead today, buried six feet under and all that. You have to be smart in our line of business, don’t you? If you’re not, then you end up in the ground.”

Tommy gave a slow nod, remembering his kin who did end up not making it through certain situations and business deals. He sat down on the floor in front of the fire and leaned against Alfie’s chair as the other man sat down in it.

Alfie’s condition made it difficult for him to sit on the hard floor, but Tommy didn’t mind where he sat as long as he was close to him. They sat in a soft silence for a while, just enjoying each other’s company, when Alfie spoke.

“Did you ever find out who hurt your brother Finn and his friend?”

Tommy knew who he meant, his boyfriend, but somehow, that word didn’t make sense to either of them. Finn and Harry weren’t boys anymore. They were men.

“Yes, Alfie, I did find out.”

Alfie looked down at him. “Well don’t keep me in fuckin’ suspense, mate. Who was it?”

Tommy almost thought about not telling him. He really did. He knew how Alfie was going to react, and he was almost afraid he’d react on instinct once he knew.

“It was our brother, Arthur, who did it. He hurt Finn and his friend.”

There was tense silence and Tommy looked up at him. He could see Alfie clenching his jaw tightly.

“Maybe you need to finally put that rabid dog down, once and for all, Tommy.” It had been such an Alfie answer that Tommy didn’t even feel fazed by it. It wasn’t accompanied by the other man threatening to do it for him, so his concern dissipated.

“Not this time. I warned him though, Alfie… and I think it scared him enough that he’s going to back off Finn now.”

Alfie gave a small grunt of acknowledgement. “Good.”

“Yes, Alfie,” Tommy nodded. “It is good.”

Alfie reached over and ran his fingers over Tommy’s partially shaven head and caressed it lovingly. They sat together like that for a good couple hours. The Birmingham man had to admit that this felt nice; it felt nice not to have to meet people, or deal with drugs or money. It felt nice to not get into a fight with anyone, to just have peace.

It felt nice to just… be.

They drank fresh tea Rachel brought them, listened to the radio, and neither of them really properly moved until Alfie heard the grandfather clock in the house chime almost midnight.

“Come on, Tom. It’s gettin’ late… let’s head up to bed.”

Tommy stayed where he was and sighed heavily. “I don’t want tomorrow to come, Alfie. I don’t want to face it.”

Alfie groaned as he stood up and then walked in front of the other man. “Well, I hate to be the one to tell you this, mate, but tomorrow’s going to come whether you want it to or not. You’ll be all right, Tom. We’ll be together in bed tomorrow, right? Don’t think of it like Guy Fawkes’ day, right. Think of it as… our day in tomorrow. We can do whatever you feel like.”

Tommy thought about this and then nodded before he stood up. “Can we dance?”

Alfie smirked now and gave a nod. “Always, Tom.”

The two men headed upstairs to Alfie’s room and both men nearly collapsed together in bed together. Tommy massaged Alfie’s back and shoulders as long as his own hands would allow, and he could feel the other man’s muscles gradually loosen up.

It wasn’t long before he heard Alfie softly snoring, and he cuddled in close to him before finally allowing himself to fall asleep as well.


	12. dancing on guy fawkes day

**. . .**

They had made the mistake of going to bed with the window opened in the bedroom. It was nearly seven in the morning when Tommy woke with a start to loud bangs, and sounds like firecrackers, followed by screams.

He felt the panic hitting his chest first, and then he felt like he couldn’t breathe.

_Gunshots, all around him._

_There were sounds of people screaming. Oh god, they were screaming, screaming so loud._

He put his hands over his ears and curled in the fetal position, but as if he were taking cover from bombs and mortar fire. He felt a hand on his body and carefully took one hand off an ear.

“Fuckin’ hell! All this fuckin’ noise, Tom!” Alfie complained, slamming the window closed, dimming the noise a bit now. He moved over to where Tommy lay on the bed, curled into himself. “It’s all right, love. It’s all right now, right. Come on, remember, today is our day together, Tom. Let’s go downstairs and get some breakfast, at least some coffee.”

Tommy shook his head, staying where he was. “Y-You go w-without me, Alfie,” Tommy pleaded. “I just want to stay here.”

His eyes were closed but he could tell Alfie was looking at him with disapproving eyes.

“I’ll bring some coffee up here to you. Just stay right there, all right, love? I promise I’ll be right back, as quick as I fuckin’ can.”

Tommy opened his eyes and saw Alfie hobbling down the stairs. He grabbed the blankets tightly, wrapping them around his body, and then moved onto the floor quietly before he started to stomach crawl under the bed and tucked himself in the covers like a cocoon.

_He could still hear it. Fuck, he could hear the screaming and the firing of bombs and shells and bullets outside._

“Tommy? What are you doin’ under there, mate?” He opened his eyes and saw Alfie kneeling on the floor, looking under the bed at him. “Come on out, love. I have coffee and tea, and some toast with jam. I thought we could have some breakfast in bed, yeah… come on out, and we can have all of this.”

Tommy shoot his head quickly and hugged the covers to his body. “P-Please just leave me… I’ll be a-all right. I just… I-I can’t handle all t-the noise… I can’t.”

Alfie sighed softly and looked conflicted. He couldn’t crawl under the bed with him, as much as he wanted to, his body just couldn’t handle that type of movement anymore. He chewed on his lip before he reached under and gently grabbed Tommy’s nearest arm with his ankle that was sticking out from the blankets, pulling him towards him under he was out from under the bed.

Before the younger man could try and crawl back under, Alfie quickly wrapped his arms around him, holding him close. Tommy seemed to find comfort in this, and melted into his embrace. He buried his face in Alfie’s shoulder and gripped his white shirt tightly with his fingers.

“That’s it, love. You’re safe… they can’t hurt you. They’re outside and we’re inside, we’re safe,” Alfie soothed, caressing Tommy’s arms before he kissed his temple.

“M-Make the sound go away, p-please, Alfie… make it go away,” Tommy pleaded.

Alfie helped him to his feet and set him the bed before he sat down beside him. “I’m goin’ to go downstairs and put some music on for us, Tom, right, but I want you to promise that you’ll come down once I turn it on, all right, mate?”

Tommy nodded, feeling like a ridiculous child. Alfie nodded, and then hobbled downstairs. Tommy waited, and when we heard the sound of music, he wrapped the lesser sheets around his body tightly and carefully walked down the stairs. The music was loud, but to Tommy, it was beautiful.

“Is that better, Tommy?” Alfie yelled to him.

Tommy nodded and smiled. The music wasn’t ragtime, but it also wasn’t overwhelming; it sounded almost classical. Tommy didn’t recognize it, but it was much better than the explosions coming from outside. He saw Alfie disappear but then reappear a few minutes later with their breakfast tray, and motioned for Tommy to come over to the kitchen.

He shuffled inside and sat down in a chair before he lit a cigarette. He saw Alfie give a disapproving nod at the sight of the cigarette, but he didn’t say anything about it.

He took a sip of his coffee before taking a drag off his cigarette, focusing on the music. The music was at the highest volume, but the two men could still feel the vibrations from outside. Tommy didn’t see fit to mention it, though. They’d just have to deal with it.

Alfie reached over and grabbed Tommy’s free hand once he set his coffee back down again. He gave him a loving smile. Tommy didn’t like that the two of them couldn’t talk, like they usually did, so despite himself, he made a lowering motion with his index and thumb fingers.

“Turn it down, Alfie, eh!” He shouted to him.

Alfie raised his eyebrows in surprise. “You sure, mate?”

When Tommy nodded, Alfie shrugged and then got up, hobbling over to where the gramophone was and turned the music down, but not off. He came back over and sat down across from him again. “Better, mate?”

He took another drag from his cigarette. “Yes, Alfie. Thank you. I just… would like to talk with you,” he explained, feeling guilty that he was making his lover do everything when he wasn’t in the best physical condition.

“Sure, Tom, of course,” Alfie nodded, shrugging it off as he took a sip of his coffee, taking Tommy’s hand again in his own. “Maybe we’ll move to the Americas where they don’t celebrate this damned holiday, right. No noise, no explosions or screamin’…maybe we can go live somewhere else.”

That was a pipe dream and both of them knew it. Tommy was doing his best to be retired but it was as if no one else was letting him, including himself. Alfie had no real ties to England, but Tommy did. He had his whole family, and there was no way they’d let him leave the country.

“Maybe,” Tommy lied. Even though it was an impossibility, the words felt hopeful to say.

Alfie gave him a sad, almost knowing smile. He caressed his hand. The two men sipped their tea, Thomas Shelby smoked his cigarette, jumping or wincing once in awhile when he head the firecrackers outside shooting off.

When they were finished eating breakfast, Alfie watched the other man inhale sharply through his nose at the noise outside before exhaling, his eyes shut tightly in unease, squeezing Alfie’s hand in the process.

“How about that dance, Tom?”

Tommy looked up at him, tears in his eyes, a tightness in his chest, fore he shook his head. “I don’t think so, Alfie.”

“Come on, mate,” he gently urged, standing up and helping Tommy up with him. “You wanted to dance, right, well, let us have that dance, shall we?”

Tommy sighed but let Alfie lead him into the living area. Alfie leaned back to turn the music a bit more to drown out the noise outside, and switched the record to something livelier. He placed his one hand on Tommy’s waist, the other in his hand, and then began to lead them.

“And one, two, three and four!” Alfie instructed loudly, causing Tommy to chuckle. “Come on, Tom, you’re falling behind here!”

Tommy couldn’t help but laugh and moved with the other man until Alfie stopped and sighed. “All right, love, you’re going to have to lead now. My broken body doesn’t care much for dancin’ like I used to, right.”

The Shelby man nodded and switched hand positions with Alfie, feeling silly for leading someone who was taller and bulkier in general. Alfie let Tommy move him around with too much delay. They danced until the songs ended and their feet and backs were aching.

Alfie fell down into his armchair by the fire and grunted and groaned. Tommy sat down in the chair beside him and smiled dreamily at him.

“Thank you, Alfie.”

“For what? I did promise you a dance today, love. What else did you have in mind? I’m hopin’ lyin’ in bed is included at some point, Tom. These old bones don’t have much kick to ‘em like they used to, I’m afraid, yeah,” Alfie massaged his sore knees.

“Lyin’ down sounds good to me,” Tommy agreed.

It was just after lunch now but neither man was particularly hungry so the two of them helped each other up the stairs and took off their shoes and socks.

Alfie grabbed the sheets back from his boyfriend before the two of them fixed the bed together before they got under everything again.

Alfie wrapped a protective arm around Tommy from behind and held the younger man close to him.

“I can’t wait until this fucking day is over with,” Tom complained, holding tightly onto him as he heard more fireworks going on outside. “I like the cause, but not the noise.”

“I know, love,” Alfie whispered, kissing his temple. “It’s just fuckin’ noise, Thomas. It’ll be over with by tomorrow, right, and then maybe you and I can go down to the beach and sit by the water.”

Tommy nodded. “That sounds good, Alfie.”

Alfie held him closer and started to hum close to his ear, what sounded like some kind of Hebrew folk song to him. Tommy relaxed, just trying to focus on it instead of the commotion outside. Once in a while, he heard Alfie actually sing certain words aloud in Hebrew, but he didn’t know what they meant, but that didn’t even seem important.

He didn’t _need_ to know what it meant, because Alfie knew what it meant, and that was enough. He continued to listen him hum and sing either one long song or a couple different ones for more than fifteen minutes before he finally stopped, Tommy feeling half asleep.

“That was nice, Alfie,” he whispered to him.

Alfie nodded against him, still not releasing him. “Yeah, it was, wasn’ it? Do your people have folk songs at all?”

Tommy smirked to himself. “My people are made of folk songs, that’s all we have.”

“Sing me one.”

Tommy chortled before he cleared his throat and moved his body to face Alfie now, shaking his head. “I don’t sing. That’d be my Aunt Pol, and Johnny Dogs. They’re the only ones I know who sing Gypsy folk songs.”

Alfie didn’t push it and instead, he leaned in and kissed Tommy’s lips. The other man kissed him back deeply and then they casually moved away from the kiss before just relaxing against the other. “I love you, Thomas,” the Camden man replied softly.

“I love you too, Alfie.”

**………….. … ………**

Tommy was awake from the impromptu nap they decided to take, but when he glanced over to Alfie, he saw he was still asleep. He carefully got out of bed and walked downstairs, needing to stretch out his stiff limbs.

It was quiet now.

He glanced at a clock and saw it was nearly 2 a.m. Everyone was asleep, the celebrations were finally over with. Tommy poured himself a drink and went outside, sitting in a chair Alfie kept behind his house by the ocean.

He sipped it, watching the waves rolling in and out, sometimes they even reached his toes.

Tommy drank the whole glass and he thought about Grace. He thought about John. Thomas thought about how much he missed both of them, and how many times he had wished and prayed that it had been himself that had been shot instead of them.

They had their whole lives ahead of them, but Tommy had felt dead ever since he came back from the War. He felt like a part of him had always wanted to die.

He roughly wiped away a stray tear that fell down his cheek now and sniffed. He thought about how Aberama Gold had fucked him, and he hated himself for trusting him in the first place. He should have known better.

Tommy set the glass down and waded into the ocean. This time, he kept walking further and further into the ocean until he let the water go over his head. He held his breath and let the water swallow him up, wondering to himself, what if he stopped holding his breath.

He debated it for a while until at the last minute, he came back up for air, gasping. He ran his hands over his wet mound of hair.

_What the fuck was he doing?_

He couldn’t kill himself this way, his body wouldn’t let him. He didn’t have the courage to not hold his breath in the water. His body wanted to live, it was his mind that didn’t.

He forced himself to wade back to shore, drenched from head to toe now. He knew it wouldn’t do much good, but he squeezed the excess water from his clothes and took them off outside before he hung them on a line and then walked inside Alfie’s house, grabbing a towel from the bathroom before he wiped his feet off and then walked up the stairs back into the bedroom.

He saw Alfie quickly look over at him, as if he had felt someone watching him and thought them an enemy.

“Tommy…?” He asked groggily, rubbing his eyes.

“Yes, Alfie,” he nodded. “It’s just me.” He towel dried himself and put dry clothes on.

Alfie sat halfway up now and watched him curiously. “Where did you go? Why are you so wet, Tom?”

Tommy finished getting dressed and then towel dried his hair before he climbed back into bed again. “I woke up, and I decided to go for a quick swim.” He was facing Alfie, but he could barely see him in the darkness.

Alfie leaned in and kissed Tommy’s lips softly before he reached up to cup his face. “A bit late for a swim, innit? Are you all right?”

“I’m fine, Alfie. Go back to sleep, eh?”

Alfie continued to caress Tom’s cheek for awhile and then slid his hand down to his waist before he finally did go to sleep. IT was when he was snoring peacefully when Tommy finally felt able to go to sleep as well.

  
**………… … …….**

**  
**The next morning, Tommy woke up alone in bed; Alfie must already be downstairs. He looked out the window, and saw it was raining again. Somehow, he didn’t mind that it was raining today. It matched how he was feeling inside.

He forced himself out of bed, despite his internal objections, and he started downstairs to the kitchen where he heard Alfie shuffling around. 

Tommy poured himself some coffee and sat down at the table, watching Alfie fiddling with something on the counter. “What are you doin’, Alfie?”

The Camden man glanced over at him. “I’m bakin’ some bread, love. I thought we could have a bit with jam this morning, or maybe at lunch.”

Tommy chuckled now, lighting a cigarette. “You’re bakin’ bread. Well, fuck, Alfie. I didn’t think I’d see a time when bread didn’t mean rum. Are you makin’ brown bread or white bread?” He asked him, remembering how he offered Tommy the option when he visited the bakery.

Alfie smirked at him. “I’m bakin’ fuckin’ brown bread. Is that all right with you?”

“Yeah, that’s fine, Alfie. I’ll have some,” Tommy took a drag from the cigarette and sleepily scratched the top of his eyebrow.

“Oh wow, really?” Alfie asked in an equally as sarcastic tone of voice as Tommy had. “Fuckin’ thank you, mate. I never thought I’d see the day when you actually eat food. I can’t believe you’re even still alive, to be fuckin’ honest, mate. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you eat at all.”

Tommy glanced over at him, shaking his head. “You’ve seen me eat. I’ve eaten plenty of times here.”

Alfie put the bread into the oven now and glanced at the clock to time it before he sat down now, drinking his own coffee. His face went serious, all of a sudden. “We should talk about your nighttime swim, right. Maybe it was more than that?”

Tommy exhaled heavily before he looked across the table. “It was just a swim, Alfie. It wasn’t anything more.”

“Really? You felt the urge to go for a fuckin’ swim at two in the fuckin’ mornin’, then? Come on, Tom. Just tell me the truth, yeah…”

He should’ve expected this; he shouldn’t have assumed that Alfie would just let it go and brush it off like nothing. Tommy could be unpredictable, but swimming after dark wasn’t something that Thomas Shelby would do on any other occasion. He took another drag of his cigarette and then flicked the ash into a nearby ashtray before he swallowed hard.

“You want the truth? I don’t know what the hell I was doin’, Alfie. I woke up this morning, and couldn’t get back to sleep, so… I went outside for a while,” Tommy explained, skirting around the obvious question. Alfie didn’t say anything, wanting him to go on, to continue explaining. “I went in the water, and… I held my breath before going under. What do you want me to say, Alfie?”

Alfie visibly tensed, looking across the table at Tommy, trying to read his mind to no avail. He took a long sip of coffee. “Is this part of your… blues, then, Tom? You tryin’ to drown yourself in the ocean?” His voice was curious, quiet, fearful.

Tommy started to nod, but then gave a half shrug, unsure himself. “I’ve never been close to the ocean to drown myself in, but the thoughts are the same,” he admitted. “I’ll get over this, Alfie. It’s… just myself, talking to myself, about myself, eh?”

Alfie didn’t look convinced. He massaged his beard thoughtfully, ending up simply nodding.

Tommy knew the look on his face. He’d seen it plenty of times on Ada’s face, and Finn’s, Arthur’s, the list just went on and on. Alfie was feeling as helpless as the lot of them felt before whenever Tommy got this way. He didn’t know what to tell him because he didn’t know what made him feel better.

He was okay as long as he ignored his suicidal urges.

He felt the need to say something, though. Anything, to kill the silence and the tension in the room. He cleared his throat. “I don’t know why this happens, Alfie. It’s like… everything over the years just starts… piling up on top of each other and I see my brother’s death, and Grace’s death both just… on a never ending loop inside me head. A certain part of me tells myself I can see them again if I just… fucking end it, yeah? Then… another voice tells me I should do it for other reasons.”

Alfie was listening intently, apparently grateful to have some background information. “What other reasons, Thomas?”

Tommy sighed, taking another drag before he glanced outside at the rain. “Because it’s my fault for Grace having been shot instead of me, because of Barney being shot when he was going to assassinate Mosley… I should’ve known there were other people out there planning to betray me, and I didn’t. I was so focused on fucking… Michael, that I wasn’t thinking of the other people who hated me. It’s just… all m-my fault, Alfie,” he clenched his jaw, feeling tears filling his eyes again.

He looked down at the table.

Alfie shook his head now and he reached across the table to grab Tommy’s hand. “Listen to me, mate, none of that was your fault. You told me some time ago that you got Grace a necklace, but then that Russian woman told you it was cursed. That necklace was fuckin’ cursed, and that’s why she was shot, Tom. That wasn’t your fault, was it? You didn’t curse it. You didn’t know it was cursed… and your friend Barney… that was tricky, mate. I believe more people should’ve been lookin’ out for him in that case, but that doesn’t necessarily make it your fault.”

Tommy felt like Alfie was grasping at straws just to help him, to make him feel better about his losses. “You don’t believe in curses, Alfie… you can’t say that wasn’t my fault.”

“Maybe not,” Alfie admitted. “But _you_ believe in it. None of this matters, Thomas. Nothing I say matters because… we have different beliefs, you and I, right, so everythin’ is fuckin’ subjective, innit? What happens to me doesn’t happen to you unless it directly affects you. Sometimes, believin’ in curses seems like a way to make it so things aren’t your fault, but I know that your people _really_ fuckin’ believe in it, and that doesn’t make it right or wrong. It just… is what it is.”

Tommy wasn’t exactly sure what Alfie was trying to say, but he felt like it was helping somewhat. He took a deep breath before he put his face in his hand, leaning on the table. He wiped the tears that had fallen and sniffed before he took another drag of his cigarette.

“It’ll pass. All this nonsense in my head… it’ll pass, eventually,” Tommy attempted to reassure him.

Alfie looked skeptical but he reached across the table anyway and took his hand in his own. “I’m here for you, love, right. You know that… I’m fuckin’ here if you need to talk about whatever. If you wake up at two in the mornin’ again, Tom, fuckin… wake me up and tell me all the nonsense in your head. Just… please no more late night swims.”

Tommy nodded, giving Alfie’s hand a gentle squeeze. “All right, Alfie. I promise no more swims.”

“Good,” Alfie nodded. “Now we have an hour to murder until the bread is done, right. What would you like to do?”

Tommy smirked now. “How about another dance? I’ll lead.”


	13. together

**. . .**

  
Tommy was relieved the next morning to wake up and not hear any loud bangs, or screams, but just Alfie’s soft, even snoring from beside him on the bed.

Bonfire night was over, but he knew his suicidal urges were not. It was still a dark thought, an option, in the back of his head. He had gotten a little sleep during the night, but it didn’t feel like enough. He didn’t want to disturb Alfie, so he got dressed and headed downstairs before he put tea on for the two of them.

Tommy took a cigarette out and placed it between his lips before lighting it. He walked over to the window and let out a heavy sigh as he exhaled the smoke.

This was nice, just being here with Alfie. He didn’t know what he’d do without him. Alfie had saved him from a horrible death, in his own home, but he had also saved the Birmingham man in other ways as well. He had saved him like Lizzie had saved him, in ways not many people could understand.

The sound of the phone broke him from his thoughts, and he knew it wasn’t his place, but he walked over to phone and cleared his throat before he answered it.

“Hello, Alfie Solomons’ residence,” he announced.

“Tommy,” Ada’s voice came now. He could sense a mixture of fear and sadness in her tone, simply because he knew her that well. She rarely ever called… something wasn’t right.

“Ada? What is it? Has something happened?”

She sighed softly but didn’t say anything for several moments. Tommy despised people who did this with him: called, but didn’t answer his questions until they were forced to, but he knew that Ada had a good reason for not speaking.

She wanted to do this in person.

“Ada,” he tried again gently. “What’s happened? Do you want me to come home?”

“Yes,” she spoke weakly. “Come home, Tommy. Finn’s in hospital right now… but he’s asking for you.” She hung up before Tommy could ask any more questions.

He hung up hesitantly now and he hurried upstairs. “Alfie,” he gently shook the older man awake. “Alfie, wake up.”

He stirred now, groaning tiredly, and looked over at Tommy. He seemed to wake up quickly upon seeing the panic on Thomas Shelby’s face. “Tom? What’s wrong?”

“I need to go home. Something’s happened to Finn,” Tommy sat on the edge of the bed, reaching over, and grabbing his pocket watch from off the bedside table.

Alfie straightened up and sat up in bed, looking up at his boyfriend. “Do you need me to come with you?”

Tommy knew what he was actually asking. _Do you need me to help cut down the bastards who put your brother in the hospital?_

“No, thank you, Alfie,” he smiled at him weakly. “I appreciate your offer, though. I don’t know how long I’ll be away.”

Alfie gave a dismissive wave. “That’s fine, sweetie. Take as long as you need to, yeah. I’m not going anywhere, am I? I’ll still be here when you get back. Do what you need to do.”

Tommy leaned over to him and kissed his lips before he stood up. “I’ll be back when I can.” He hurried out of Alfie’s place and then headed towards the train station to take back home.

  
**…………. … …….**  
  
He wasn’t sure what to expect when he walked into the hospital after getting off the train, but it wasn’t seeing Finn’s ribs wrapped up, bruises and cuts all over his face, and his head freshly shaved on one side.

It made him feel ill, wishing in that moment, whatever had happened to his kid brother had happened to himself instead. He remembered when he had gone after the priest, when his head had gotten smashed in, and he had been in the hospital in this way too.

“Tom?” His weak voice sounded in the empty room. Obviously, Ada and the others had made sure he got his own room, with a window and all.

He walked over to where he was and took his hat off before he sat down in the nearby chair. “Hey, Finn. Where’s Ada?”

“She was here earlier, I think. I’m not too sure, actually… things are a bit fuzzy.”

_He was on morphine._

Tommy glanced around until he saw a bottle of it lying nearby and saw it was half empty. He looked back at Finn. “Can you remember what happened, Finn? Was this Arthur again? Eh?”

The younger Shelby man held his taped up ribs in pain as he tried to reposition himself. “Just bits and pieces. I remember going to London with James… we were having a great time, and then we got into a row with some men. I can’t remember much else after that; I woke up here.”

Tommy rubbed the bridge of his nose in frustration and took a deep breath before he looked back at his brother. “Where’s James, then? Is he at Ada’s?”

Finn shook his head. “No, I mean, Ada was here yesterday, visiting him after me.”

Tommy’s eyes grew. “James is here as well? What room?”

“Ada insisted we were next to each other,” Finn answered, glancing out the window at the dying leaves. He looked back at Tommy. “I-I can’t remember a lot of what happened, Tom, and Ada won’t fucking tell me.”

“All right, all right,” Tommy stood up. “Get some rest, brother. I’ll go find out what happened, and I’ll come back here tomorrow. I promise.”

Finn gave a nod. “Thanks, Tommy.” He closed his eyes and quickly fell asleep. He must have taken some morphine not too long ago.

Tommy walked out of the room quietly before he walked into the room beside Finn’s and slipped inside, looking around. It was apparent that Ada insisted that James get his own room as well, even though he wasn’t necessarily blood relative. 

He looked more awake than Finn, so he didn’t feel like he was intruding. Tommy sat down beside the bed and eyed James worriedly; he was also cut up and bruised, but his morphine bottle was still mostly full. Maybe he wasn’t in as much pain as his brother.

“James,” he greeted quietly. “What the fuck happened?”

Guilt filled the other man’s eyes now. “We were at this pub in London… we were having a great time. Everything seemed to be going fine and we were on our way out when this group of guys jumped us. They were very drunk, and they knew who Finn was, and they assumed I was one of you as well… Finn started threatening them, and they got angry. They started to accuse him of being… a homosexual, and Finn lost it. He cut one of them up pretty badly, which, only angered the others. They hurt him, and hurt me, and that’s how we ended up here.”

Tommy took all of this in, imagining the scene. He lit another cigarette and took a drag before he exhaled sharply. “They shaved his head,” he spoke quietly.

“Oh, right. Yes,” James spoke solemnly now, “Ada told me that Finn had hit his head on the ground at one point during the attack, and the doctors had to go in and repair his skull that had been fractured. He’s been having difficulty remembering since he came in.”

_That was the last thing that Tommy needed right now, for Finn to have short-term memory loss._

“Fuck!” Tommy swore, kicking angrily at the bed.

James didn’t seem very startled at this, most likely because he knew how Tommy usually acted when he was upset, but the guilt never left his eyes. “Thomas, I’m… I’m so sorry. I never should have taken Finn to that place. I really thought we’d be safe together.”

Tommy honestly had thought so too. He seemed to calm down a little and looked at James. “I don’t blame you for what happened, James. I’m sorry you ended up hurt as well, however. Can you tell me anything about what the men that attacked you looked like? Did you recognize them, or their accents at all?”

James thought hard for a minute and shrugged. “They were London accents, Thomas… I know that’s unhelpful, but that’s all I remember of them.”

A part of Tommy wondered if maybe they could be Alfie’s men, but he put it out of his mind. Alfie’s men were loyal to him, and they knew the relationship he’d always had with Thomas Shelby. This couldn’t be retaliation for Alfie retiring.

He also knew that Alfie wouldn’t send anyone to hurt Finn or any of Tommy’s men.

“All right, James,” Tommy placed a gentle hand on James’. “Get some rest, eh? I’ll visit again tomorrow.”

James nodded and watched as the other man got up to leave, and then suddenly reached out and grabbed his arm. “Be careful, Thomas,” he warned. “I don’t want you to end up here with us.”

Tommy was alarmed at James’ sudden grip, but relaxed again when he let go of him. He nodded. “It’ll be all right, mate. Just get better.”

He left the room and then started to head back to Small Heath. He made a beeline for Ada’s house and found himself unsurprised when he saw everyone else there as well, all of them looking angry and frazzled.

“It’s about fucking time you’ve come home again, and it only took your brother ending up in the hospital to do it,” Aunt Pol started in on him. “Have you even been there to see him yet?”

He sighed, closing the door behind him. “Yes, Pol… I’ve been there already.”

“And?” She pressed, her arms crossed in front of her chest.

He glanced around the room at his family members, most of them looking rightfully worried. He looked back at her. “And they’re both doing just fine. It seems that our Finn is suffering from partial amnesia from the attack, but he seemed to be in good spirits.”

“Everyone’s in good spirits when they’re high out of their minds with morphine, Thomas,” she rolled her eyes.

He was starting to become impatient. “What is it you want from me then, eh? Eh?” He yelled at her. “Do you want me to say it’s my fault that Finn and James were attacked?”

“Why, though? Why were they attacked at all?” She asked him, throwing her arms up. “Where the hell were they in London? Was it our enemies? For fuck’s sake, Thomas, give me some answers!”

He took out a cigarette now and lit it; he felt if he didn’t, then he might go crazy on all of them. He thought for a moment… he didn’t see any way out of lying to her about what Finn was any longer. He wasn’t about to out himself.

Tommy took a drag of his cigarette and glanced over at Arthur who was looking away now, knowingly. He searched for confidence to continue this conversation and found it on Ada’s face, who smiled softly at him and nodded.

“Thomas!” Pol pressed.

Tommy cleared his throat and looked at her. “James and Finn went to a pub in London that was known for its association with homosexual men. They went there because they’re different from the rest of us,” he started, glancing over at Lizzie apprehensively, hoping, _fucking praying,_ she wasn’t about to out him in front of everyone else.

“Different? Different how, Thomas?” She asked, and then suddenly realization touched her eyes and she looked around at their kin before looking back at him. “Wait a minute, you’re saying that Finn is… a homosexual?” She let out a laugh of disbelief. “Finn, who has been with women and prostitutes and basically fucks anything that moves?”

“He’s only fucked women and prostitutes because… he was afraid of being less of a man. He fucked them because he couldn’t tell you what he was, could he?”

“Oh, but he felt just fine telling you about what he was, then?” Her brows knitted in agitation.

He took another drag and moved further into the house, sighing heavily. He coughed a little, wishing that Alfie were here with him to encourage this speech. “He wasn’t fine with telling me, Pol, not at first. Anyway, I’m surprised Arthur here didn’t bring it up to you at all. I suppose he wouldn’t though, being that he attacked Finn first for being what he is, eh?”

Throwing Arthur under the carriage was a weak move for Thomas Shelby, but it was the only one he had right now. He needed to temporarily take the heat off of himself.

Aunt Pol turned on Arthur now who looked ashamed because _fucking right he should._ “You attacked Finn before? Fucking why? Are we in the fucking business of attacking our own now?”

Tommy didn’t want to tell her how he attacked him all the time, verbally and physically, so he stayed out of it. He watched Arthur squirm in his seat uncomfortably.

“I-I…” He stammered nervously. “I saw him and his… friend snogging and I just…”

She moved closer to him, fury in her eyes. “You just fucking what? Thought it’d be a good idea to attack him because of what he was? What he… is?”

Arthur shrugged and then shook his head, looking down. “Your right, Pol… what I did, it wasn’t right, and I’m trying not to be that way anymore, you know… trying not to think that way anymore.”

It was Aunt Pol’s turn to light a cigarette, and she grew quiet, apparently unsure what to think about any of them at the moment. Tommy cleared his dry throat again, deciding it was time for him to talk again.

“It doesn’t fucking matter what Finn is. What matters is that he’s still our kin, our brother,” he looked between Arthur and Ada. “We’re going to let him be what he wants to be, and that is that. When he comes back home, we’re not going to judge him, or barrage him with questions about it. We’re going to listen if he wants to talk about the attack, and no one is going to say fucking anything against who he loves. It’s none of our business. As long as he’s being safe, and he trusts the person he’s with, there isn’t a problem.”

He saw Lizzie nod in agreement, but then saw Pol scoff in disbelief.

“I can’t fucking believe this. What about James? Wasn’t he with him in London during the attack? How are we supposed to trust him if he can’t protect him from getting hurt?”

It was Ada’s turn to speak up now. “James and Finn aren’t together, Polly. Finn is with another man around his own age. James just wanted to take him out to explore. That was it.”

She looked unhappy, but she didn’t say anything else about it.

Lizzie waited a few beats for anyone else to ask a question but when no one else did, she was the one to speak next. “So what happens now, Tom?”

He took another drag of his cigarette before leaning down to knock the ash off the end in a nearby tray and looked over at her. “Finn is going to be spending a few more days in hospital, I’ll be visiting him again tomorrow. You all are free to do so as well, just don’t upset him. We’ll see how he’s improving, and go from there.”

Lizzie and Ada both nodded. Arthur gave a low grunt of acknowledgement as well, and Aunt Polly looked at Tommy before nodding as well. He could see the question in her eyes though: _Could Thomas Shelby also be a homosexual as well?_

He forced himself to stare back at her, making sure to hide the answer behind his eyes.

“So who was it that did this, Thomas?” She asked now. “Should we be expecting any more attacks on us?”

It was the first good thing that she had asked all night. He looked at her first before he glanced at everyone else around the room. “For the time being, I’m forbidding anyone to go into London for anything unnecessary. However, if you absolutely need to, go in groups of three, just to be safe. Take my men with you, and take a gun. Otherwise, stay around here where you can be better protected.”

Arthur looked up at Tommy now. “If Finn was just attacked for being… you know,” he said awkwardly, “shouldn’t the rest of us be fine in London, Tom?”

“I don’t know,” Tommy admitted. “I really don’t. It could have just been a targeted attack, but… they also might want to hurt more of us. Use your best judgement, Arthur.”

His brother nodded in satisfaction now and grew quiet again.

“If that is all, then fuck off out of Ada’s house so I can talk to me sister in private,” Tommy requested, taking another drag of his cigarette.

Aunt Polly headed out, followed by Arthur. It was now that he noticed Johnny Dogs in the corner, who walked over to him.

“Tommy, when it comes high time for Finn to be released from the hospital, would you like me to escort him back here with a few of my men, for protection sake?”

Tommy felt a warmth grow in his chest and he nodded once. “Yes, Johnny… I would like for you to do that for him, and the same for James, if you can.”

Johnny Dogs nodded enthusiastically and gave a gentle smile. “Right-o, then. No problem at all, Tom.” He hurried out of the house now as well.

Lizzie was about to leave as well when Tommy gently reached out and grabbed her arm. “Not you, Lizzie, not yet. If you have a minute, I’d like you to stay with us for a few more minutes.” He released her arm when he saw her nod.

“Sure, I dropped the children off at Charlie’s yard for a bit before coming here.”

Tom nodded in approval, even though he felt like she didn’t need his approval anymore for anything. He waited until the others were out of the house before he sat down on the couch, and watched as Lizzie sat down beside him, lighting a cigarette up.

Ada watched them from across the coffee able, sipping he tea. When Tommy glanced up, he saw questions in her eyes.

“What is it you wish to ask me, Ada?”

Her eyes darted from her brother over to Lizzie. “Does she know, Tommy?”

He cleared his throat and nodded, knowing exactly what his sister meant by that. “Yes, Ada. She knows about Alfie.” He took another drag.

Lizzie was looking tense and a little uncomfortable having a conversation like this in front of Ada, but she didn’t get up to leave yet, so Tommy took that as a good sign.

“How is it working between… the three of you?” Ada asked curiously. From the tone of her voice, Thomas could tell she was being serious and not trying to antagonize either of them.

He glanced over at Lizzie who shrugged and looked back at Ada. “It’s going fine, Ada,” he gave an agreeable nod. “I’m not completely like Finn, so… I also enjoy spending some nights with Lizzie as well. She lets me see the children, so for all intents and purposes, we’re still legally married. This way, she’s still entitled to a share of the company, and its profits, and it makes everything else a lot easier for everyone as well.”

Ada smiled now. “That’s a good idea, Tommy. You’re okay with him… being this way?” She asked Lizzie now.

“Why wouldn’t I?” Lizzie shrugged, smiling softly. “He still sees our children and he still fucks me once in a while, but also gave me permission to sleep with whomever I like when he’s not around. It seems like the perfect life to me.”

Ada chuckled now and smiled in amusement. “Right, well… then I’m very happy for you both.”

Tommy also chuckled before shaking his head. If he could count on Lizzie to be anything, it was blunt and honest. He couldn’t deny that he appreciate that in a woman and a man, though. Alfie was those two things as well.

“What was it that you wanted to talk to me about, Tom?” Lizzie asked now, glancing over at him.

Tommy had almost forgotten. He put his cigarette out in the ashtray before he looked over at her. “I want to say thank you, Lizzie, for not outing me to Pol and Arthur when you could have, and I wanted to ask you if there was anything that you needed from me before I head back to Margate tomorrow after seeing James and Finn.”

Ada could see this wasn’t exactly a conversation for her ears, so she stood up and took her tea into the kitchen to rinse out the cup and tidy up a bit.

Lizzie leaned in a little bit to him and gently took his hand, lacing her fingers in his. He let her do this and gently squeezed it. “Can you come back to the house when you’ve finished up here with your sister? I mean… can you come back to me for tonight?”

He nodded, feeling the love in his heart for her overflowing with gratitude and appreciation. “Yes, of course, Lizzie.”

She smiled lovingly up at him now and kissed his lips. He closed his eyes and gently caressed her cheek with his hand before she pulled away and then stood up. “If there isn’t anything else, then I’ll see you shortly.”

Tommy nodded, releasing her hand from his and let her take her leave of the house. When she left, Ada came back over to him.

“Is there something else I can do for you, Tom?” She asked innocently, sipping a fresh cup of tea but not sitting down.

He stood up now and walked over to her before he carefully placed an arm around to embrace her without making her spill her tea. She seemed surprised by this action, but did her best to hug him back as well.

“Thank you, Ada, for calling about Finn, for… helping out with everything else I’m not here to deal with,” Tommy searched her face, still smiling warmly at her.

She gave him a look of awe before she smiled brightly. “It’s fine, Tommy, really. I’m here for you, all of you. Umm… I know I haven’t told you outright but… I support you, and Alfie and Finn and… just all of you. I know that you can’t help who you love, and I think you’re very brave to love him like you do, even through with what’s happened to Finn. I’m here for Alfie too, if he ever needs me as well.”

Tommy nodded appreciatively. “I’m glad to hear that, and… I’m sure Alfie will be grateful of it. Thank you, Ada. Well, I suppose I should take leave now, but I’ll be back again soon.”

“Oh, of course. Regardless of the circumstances, it was nice to see you again, brother.”

He looked over at her from the doorway. “Stay safe, Ada.” He left her place and then started quickly back to the house he still somewhat shared with Lizzie part time.

As soon as he entered their house, he heard Ruby running over to him. He laughed joyfully and quickly picked her up into his arms, holding her. “Hello there, my princess! How are you doing today, eh?”

“Good,” Ruby put her tiny arms around his neck. “I missed you, daddy.”

“Oh yeah?” He carried her into her bedroom that she had run out of in her pajamas. “Well, I’ve missed you too. Come on, back to bed.”

She let him lay her back in her bed and covered her up with the blankets. Tommy glanced across the room at Charles where he was already asleep, or pretending to be so he didn’t have to converse with him. He turned his attention back on his daughter who was trying to get her hair out of her eyes.

He smiled lovingly and helped her before he gently lay her down and tucked her in. “I need you, Ruby,” he found himself whispering, pleading, to her.

She looked up at him with big doe eyes. “What do you need me to do, daddy?”

“I need you to help me help your brother when he needs it,” he whispered to her again, kissing her forehead softly. “Can you do that for me?” She nodded confidently. “That’s a good girl. All right, it’s bedtime now, so give your father a goodnight kiss now, all right?”

She kissed his cheek and then looked up at him expectantly. “Can you tell me a story?”

“A story?” he rubbed his tired eyes before clearing his throat. He’d been gone for a couple weeks now but he felt like he was missing out on his children. Maybe he owed her this. “Sure, I can tell a story, but we have to be quiet, so your brother doesn’t wake up.”

She silently clapped her hands together and grinned in excitement.

_Boy, Alfie would just fucking love this. The head of a razor gang telling bedtime stories._

“There was a man who was married to a beautiful queen. They had two beautiful children together, and although he loved her deeply, he was still lonely.”

She smiled. “Is the queen mummy?”

Tommy smiled and nodded. “Yes, Ruby, she is the queen. So, the man searched the kingdom and finally found someone who made him as happy as his wife made him… but the person he found was another man.”

“Another man?” Ruby giggled innocently. “That’s silly, daddy.”

Tommy nodded, swallowing hard. “Yes, it is very silly, but… he loved this man, very much… and the man loved him back as well. The man started feeling guilty about loving him, and he decided to talk to his wife. The wife listened to him, but still wanted an explanation for his feelings, about the other man, and for her. The man told his wife that he still loved her and their children very, very much, but he also had so much love in his heart that he couldn’t help but love this other gentlemen. She was confused at first, but then she understood and became very accepting of it.”

Ruby was listening intently, no longer giggling, but her eyes wide with wonder. “How does it end, daddy?”

Tommy smiled softly. “Maybe this is a story that doesn’t end, Ruby. It’s a story that’s still happening, but that doesn’t make it any less true. Daddy loves you, Ruby… you, and Charles, and Mum, and… his friend. He has so much love in his heart for all of you. Are you all right with that?”

She smiled brightly and nodded. “I love you too, daddy.”

“Good, are you ready to go to sleep now?” She nodded and yawned softly. “Goodnight, princess. Sweet dreams.”

“Goodnight, daddy.”

He kissed her forehead again and stood up before he walked over and kissed Charles’ forehead as well, but all the boy did was turn and face the other way. Tommy walked out, leaving the bedroom door cracked open slightly to let light in for Ruby before he made his way to Lizzie’s bedroom. He closed the door behind him and saw her stir.

She sat up on her elbows and looked up at him. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” he spoke softly, and meaning every word. He started to get undressed and then crawled into bed beside Lizzie.

He helped her out of her clothes, which she couldn’t get out of eagerly enough, and the two of them let their limbs intertwine, and their bodies clash together like waves on rocks. He felt like he couldn’t stop kissing her, tasting her. Her body was slender, not like Alfie, but he felt like he couldn’t stop holding her close, kissing every piece of skin that was visible.

They moaned as they came together, gripping each other tightly until it passed, and then they fell asleep like that, still holding each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kind of a longer chapter but I needed to make up for not writing for weeks haha.


	14. too old for war

**. . .**

Tommy headed to the hospital the next morning and sat down beside Finn, who was still sleeping soundly. He glanced to his right and saw that there were two bottles of morphine now, but one of them was empty.

Something inside him told Tommy that wasn’t good, but he pushed it away, not wanting to think the worst. Finn was just in a lot of pain right now, understandably so. He lit a cigarette and looked out the window as he smoked, waiting for his younger brother to wake up.

He still wondered who did this, and he was still silently vowing vengeance on those people. They could’ve killed Finn. Hell, it seemed like they almost had. He knew it was ridiculous, but he still wondered if it was Alfie’s people who might have done it.

None of them knew what Alfie Solomons was, save for maybe Ollie, so who was to say that it couldn’t have been one of them? Tommy wasn’t sure what they thought of homosexuals, but the odds were that they held the same opinion about them as the majority of Britain did nowadays.

“Tom?” A sleepy voice asked, breaking Tommy away from his thoughts.

He looked down at Finn and gave him a small smile. “Morning, Finn. How are you feelin’?”

His brother shrugged and cringed as he tried to sit up a bit. “All right, I guess. How long have you been sitting there for?”

“Not long,” he said honestly, taking another drag of his cigarette. “How’s the pain? Has it gotten worse?”

Finn looked confused at first but then shook his head. “No, not really. It’s about the same as it was before, I suppose. Is James all right?”

“Yes, James is just fine. Bruised and battered, but he’ll survive.”

Finn nodded in relief and was quiet for a while before he spoke again. “H-Has… has Harry come to visit me at all?” His voice was hesitant as he looked up at Tommy.

He felt his heart sink heavily. He had almost forgotten about the other man. He leaned back in his chair and shook his head. “No, I don’t think so, Finn. I think maybe it’s for the best he doesn’t come to visit you, though.”

Finn’s brows furrowed and he saw his brother’s jaw muscle twitch in agitation. “What do you mean? Why?”

Tommy hadn’t meant it negatively, but it was clear he had offended him. “I only mean, it’s not safe. No one wants him to get hurt as well. Seeing what happened to you, maybe he’s afraid for himself.”

“Or maybe he just doesn’t want to see me anymore,” Finn scoffed, mostly in disbelief at himself. “I think Arthur scared him away after what he did to us that one day. I’m such an idiot.”

“No, Finn,” Tommy leaned in now, speaking firmly. “You’re not an idiot. If he doesn’t want to be with you, then he’s the idiot. He knows this life, and the thing he’s scared of the most is Arthur? You don’t need that man in your life if that’s the case. There are others out there, like you, like _us._ You just need to be careful.”

“How am I supposed to be careful?”

Tommy took another drag and straightened his back again. “I don’t go to pubs that are known for having our kind of people in them. I don’t announce what I am, Finn. Things aren’t easy for us right now, eh? If you go out, take Isaiah with you, at least for protection if nothing else. We don’t need you ending up back in here because you were outnumbered. If you’re with James again, pay a woman just to walk out of a place with you, down the street, until you’re home again.”

Finn sighed and shook his head. “It’s ridiculous, Tom. I should be able to be what I am without having to hide it from people. I’m not ashamed of what I am. I’m not going to fucking apologize because I’m not attracted to women.”

“I’m not saying you should, Finn. Never apologize to anyone who makes you feel that way, not even me,” Tommy ordered kindly. “I agree, you shouldn’t have to hide what you are, but to stay alive, you need to do just that.”

Finn looked like he had other things to say on that subject, but he rubbed head and sighed slowly. “It’s easier for you. You have Alfie. You knew where to find him. I don’t know where to even find anyone else. I was lucky with Harry, finding him! If things have fallen through with him –ʺ

“Then you’ll find someone else, eventually. You can be careful and still sniff people out, Finn. People can tell you things without even saying a word. Watch what they do, how they act, listen what they say when they do say things.”

Finn nodded in understanding, relaxing again. “All right, Tom.” He leaned over, groaning in pain, as he reached out and grabbed the fuller bottle of morphine before he sat back again and unscrewed the lid.

Tommy watched as his kid brother swallowed a decent amount of it before closing it again and setting it on the table. He remembered when he had his skull cracked against the wall by the pries, how painful that had been.

It had been the worst pain he’d ever felt in his entire life.

He had drank morphine like it was whiskey, swimming in a world of numbness for too long. He had been too dependent on it, grown attached to it like it was another limb that he needed to survive. Tommy remembered how he had poured it down the drain, for his own good.

“I thought you said the pain wasn’t that bad?”

Finn shrugged. “I said it wasn’t worse, Tom. I’m still in pain!”

“All right, Finn,” he put his hand out to try and calm him down. “Just don’t rely on it too much, yeah? You’re stronger than that.”

Finn looked at Tommy questioningly, not entirely understandingly why he shouldn’t rely on it. He hadn’t ever come to his bedside when he had been in hospital for months recovering. He hadn’t seen what Tommy was like on the morphine.

He was too dependent on it.

He was high all the time, made excuses for drinking it.

Michael had seen how he was on it.

Ada had noticed as well. Both of them had the good sense not to tell Polly, at least. Tommy felt ashamed of himself.

“Are you going back to Margate?” Finn asked now, changing the subject.

Tommy could tell he was getting tired; Finn was having difficulty keeping his eyes open. “Yes, I’ll be heading there once I see James as well,” Finn nodded. “Try and remember what I’ve told you, brother, eh? I’ll visit again soon. Call me if you need to.”

Finn nodded again tiredly, and Tommy took this as his time to leave. He walked out and headed to the next room over where James was getting dressed.

Tommy stood against the wall, watching him, neither man seeming to mind the other. Perhaps James just felt comfortable around Tommy, knowing what he was now.

“They said you could leave then?”

James tucked his shirt in and nodded, giving Tommy a polite smile. “Yeah, they did. Have you seen Finn today yet?”

“Just been,” Tommy nodded. “He seems to be do recovering well. James, I’d like you to continue to keep an eye on him, and if you both go out, I want you to take a couple men with you that you trust as well, in case there’s a next time.”

James looked uneasy now. “You can’t possibly still trust me to take Finn out after what’s just happened to him?”

Tommy felt sympathy for James; he knew it wasn’t his fault what had happened. He hadn’t personally hurt Finn. It was an unfortunate incident with bad, intolerant men. He knew James couldn’t promise it wouldn’t happen again, but at least if it did, they would stand a chance to hurt their attackers and get away all right next time.

“I trust you with Finn more than anyone else with him. Like I told him, just make sure you two take people you trust with you next time.”

James nodded in understanding, but still looked reluctant to be ready to take Finn out anywhere again. He fixed his collar and threw his jacket on. “Walk me out?”

“Sure,” Tommy nodded.. After James checked himself out, him and Tommy both walked out of the hospital together, standing side by side.

“Ada came by earlier this morning and told me that your entire family knows about Finn now,” he stated matter-of-factly.

Tommy felt guilt fill him now and he gave a shy nod. “Yes, they do. I had to explain to my aunt why Finn was jumped in the first place. She didn’t take it well.”

James glanced over at him as they walked towards Tommy’s car. “I don’t imagine she did. Does she know about you at all? You and Alfie, I mean.”

“No,” Tommy shook his head, sighing as he threw his finished cigarette on the ground. “And I don’t plan on telling her yet, not until I have to. My wife knows, and is fairly accepting of it. She doesn’t treat me any differently, anyway. Arthur doesn’t know about me. I’ve only told a select few.”

James smiled warmly and nodded. “I understand. I don’t plan on telling them about you, Thomas. No worries.”

Tommy clapped a hand on James’ shoulder appreciatively before he climbed into the driver seat. “Can I give you a ride somewhere, James?”

James looked like he was contemplating it but then shook his head. “No, thank you. I’m actually going to go back inside and check on Finn before I head back home.”

“All right,” Tommy nodded. “Be careful, James.”

“You as well, Thomas.”

  
 **…………… .. ……….  
  
  
** It was almost noon by the time Thomas Shelby arrived back in Margate. He stepped out of his car and breathed in the salty sea air, letting it fill his lungs.

He didn’t feel the same heaviness here as he felt back home in Birmingham. There was a lighter atmosphere here. The air was different. Perhaps it was just because it wasn’t thick with coal and dirt and mud.

He bathed at his own house, and then made his way over to Alfie’s place. He turned the knob and opened the door before walking inside, closing the door behind him again. Heavy footsteps bounded almost threateningly towards him and he put his hand on his pistol, holding his breath to see who else was in the house.

He let out his breath when he saw Alfie, taking his finger off the pistol. “Alfie,” he greeted in relief.

Alfie looked at him with disgruntled eyes. “Christ, Tom, what the fuck are you doing? You were about to shoot me, weren’t you?”

Tommy rolled his eyes, relaxing again and walked further into the living area. “I thought there was someone else in here, Alfie. My brother was just attacked, forgive me for thinking that I might be next.” He shrugged his jacket off.

Alfie’s on edge demeanor faded quickly now and he looked at Tommy sympathetically now. “How is your kid brother, by the way? What the hell happened?”

Tommy didn’t really feel like rehashing things all over again. He loathed imagining the scene play out in his mind, second by second. The thought of either man being attacked for something they had no control over made him feel sick, not to mention that he knew it could’ve been him.

“Finn and James were attacked by some men in London,” he searched Alfie’s face carefully. “They were coming out of a pub, and some men jumped them, beat them up pretty badly. When Finn fell, he hit his head on the sidewalk. He had a fractured skull, and now he has short-term memory loss.”

“Fucking hell,” Alfie blinked, worry touching his eyes. “I am very sorry to hear that happened, Tom. I am, truly. Will Finn be all right?”

Tommy gave a nod. “Yes, he’ll survive.”

“That’s good, Tommy. That’s great news,” Alfie nodded. There was a heavy tension that filled between the two men now and both of them could feel it. He looked at Tommy now expectantly, stiffening. “Say what you have to say then, mate. Come on, yeah? No use beatin’ around the bush, is there?”

Tommy sighed, wishing that he didn’t feel the way he did right now. _Suspicious._

“Did your men have anything to do with that, Alfie?” He avoided the other man’s eyes, feeling partially ashamed when he saw the disbelief in Alfie’s eyes.

“You’re fucking joking, Tom, right. _My men_? I’m fucking retired in case you haven’t noticed. I don’t have men anymore to do my dirty work for me! I can’t fucking believe this…”

Tommy closed his eyes for a few moment, regretting even asking anymore. “It was just a question, Alfie.”

Alfie stormed towards him, a fury in his eyes that Tommy hadn’t seen for years. “A fucking question, right, sure… a question that insinuates that _I_ had something to do with hurtin’ your kid brother, whom I have nothing against and no quarrel with in the first place! He’s gay, right, like myself, so why the fuck would I want to hurt him? Hm?”

Tommy shook his head and finally forced himself to look up at him. “I don’t know, but Finn told me that it was Londoners who attacked him. I know your men are still hiding out there, in Camden town, right? Would it really be such a stretch to think they could’ve possibly been the bastards who hurt Finn?”

Alfie wet his lips but is jaw was set hard, his eyes filled with hurt. “I wouldn’t fucking do that to you, Tommy. I thought you knew me better than that.”

He swallowed hard, wishing he could turn back time now. He put his jacket back on again before he excused himself and walked outside to the beach. He took his shoes off and sat down by the edge of the water, hating himself.

It wasn’t that he thought that _Alfie_ could or would do anything like that. It was the fact that he thought his _men_ could do something like that. He heard Alfie follow him out now and then stand beside him, looking down.

“My men aren’t like that, sweetie. They knew the type of person I was, right. They knew… and none of them judged or said a fucking word against me,”

Tommy didn’t want to say what he was thinking: _Because they were scared of you._

“That’s how I know it wasn’t them, though, Tom. They wouldn’t attack a kid for being homosexual. We attacked others because –ʺ

“Because of what they were,” Tommy finished for him. “We attacked them because they were Jewish, or Italian, or Gypsies, Irish… not because of who they preferred to fuck.”

Alfie thought about this carefully and gave a cautious nod. “It was about dominance and territory, Tom. It was always about business, right. The wops were that way, attacking others because of who they preferred to lie with, but not us. You and I… we didn’t care about that, did we?”

Tommy shook his head, knowing that Alfie was right. “I’m sorry, Alfie. I shouldn’t have said it was your men who attacked him. I just… wasn’t thinking straight, is all. I’m scared for him, for Finn. I don’t want to lose any more family than I already have.”

“I know, Tom,” Alfie nodded, his anger seemingly having disappeared now that he was able to get through to his lover. He took his own shoes off now and groaned as he planted himself down beside Tommy, laying his cane down beside him.

They both looked out at the ocean, quiet for several minutes as they watched the waves rise and fall. The clouds were growing darker overhead, threatening to bring down rain.

Thomas Shelby slipped his fingers in Alfie’s, lacing them tightly. “I want them all dead, Alfie,” Tommy nearly whispered. “I want them to pay.”

“I know you do, love,” he caressed Tommy’s hand softly on the sand. “We’re older now, though, Tom. We don’t have that kind of energy anymore. We need to just… let things be what they are sometimes, and move on, I think.”

Tommy looked over at him and shook his head. “We’re not that old, Alfie, and I can’t just sit here and let those bastards get away with what they did to Finn. We have to show force, that it isn’t fucking all right that they beat down others because of their personal decisions that don’t even affect them in the first place. They’ll just think it’s fine to do it again, and again.”

Alfie sighed heavily, but never stopped holding Tommy’s hand. “If we went to war with every man who has wronged us, Tom, there wouldn’t be anyone alive in the whole country. We’ve already been in war once before. What’s so great about it that you want to go back to France again, mentally? Eh, Tom? I know you’re incapable of doing it, but this is just one of the wars that you can’t get into.”

“You can’t stop me, Alfie.”

Alfie looked down at his lap before he looked back out at the sea. “Maybe not, but I can at least wish that you’ll put yourself first this time and think about your brother. If you do go to war with these mysterious Londoners, then it’s fucking guaranteed that they’re going to kill Finn. They’ll know you’re doing it because of him, and they’ll know your weakness, right off the bat, right. It’s not worth it. I’m fucking tellin’ you right now.”

Tommy closed his eyes tightly now. Alfie was fucking right about all of it. It really wasn’t worth going into war again. He couldn’t put his family at risk like that. It didn’t make it any less frustrating, though.

“FUCK!” Tommy yelled down, kicking the sand with his feet angrily. “Fuuuck!” He screamed at the ocean.

Alfie let him have his temper tantrum before he looked back over at Tommy once he calmed down again. “There will always be intolerant creatures on this earth, Tom. Always, it’s a fucking guarantee. There will always be others who hate us because of what we are, not gangsters, but because we love other men, right. I mean, in your case, women as well, but it’s the men part they have the particular problem with, innit? You need to ignore those people because they’re cursed with never being truly happy with their own lives, right. They feel like they gotta put us down so they can feel enjoyment. That’s their curse though, eternal unhappiness.”

Somehow, this brought Tommy peace he didn’t think would. He felt himself calm down a little bit more and held Alfie’s hand in his own, gently caressing his skin. He took a deep breath and looked back out at the ocean.

“What if it happens again?”

“If it happens again, do what you do best, Tom. Just send your men over and cut them, right. Teach them no to mess with the Peaky Blinders, or whatever it is your kind say to your enemies. They’ll learn the lesson the first time your men do that, and you won’t have to go to war with them. Just send a message. Your people are good at that, right?”

Tommy chuckled weakly before he nodded once. “All right, Alfie.”

“Good. Now come along. We should head back inside before it starts to rain. I’ll get Rebekah to make us a nice cup of tea.”

Tea sounded nice right now. Tommy stood up and then helped Alfie up to his feet as well. The two men started inside, just as raindrops began to hit them and the windows of Alfie’s Margate beach house.


End file.
